


the things you once said to me

by ijzermans



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Childhood Friends, Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Film Students, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Lost Love, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Plot, Senior Robbe and Sander, Slow Burn, Social Media, Texts between characters, lots and lots of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 85,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28750188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijzermans/pseuds/ijzermans
Summary: Robbe and Sander had always been the bestest of friends, each other's second half to a point where they couldn't imagine their lives without the other. They promised each other that nothing or nobody could ever get in between them and their bond, not even the inevitable change of growing up and eventually choosing different paths in life.That promise was, until the both of them entered high school. That's when everything changed.They hadn't spoken to each other in four years, until the two of them are forced to work on a film project together that collides their worlds in a way neither of them had expected them to. The bond they once used to share takes a turn, as the two boys who now despise each other suddenly get wrapped up in a new one neither of them had foreseen.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 118
Kudos: 156





	1. Chapter 1

**Monday, 08:44**

The start of the school year never was an easy one for Robbe. He'd often find himself to be anxious, scared of the unexpected and nervous for the unknown. It would usually not be as bad as it was this year around, though, but a few weeks ago, Robbe received an e-mail notification that all of his school's classes got mixed up, exchanging the senior students between them and creating new ones to ''broaden the student's connections'' just before they made their next step to university. It was quite ridiculous really, as the seniors in Robbe's school devided themselves into groups that didn't communicate with others at all except for their own hard core. Nobody cared about getting to know others, and Robbe had always liked it that way. It was safe, familiar, reliable. He never had to worry about finding people to hang out with, because he had always had the same few ones waiting for him, going to classes with him, and spending time with him after attending them.

That confidential feeling was, until today.

As he walked into his media class, his eyes scanned the room, trying to find at least one person he recognized, not being sure what he'd do if he didn't. Would he leave the classroom and never return? Would he go hide inside the bathroom stalls and pray for the classes to be returned to their original form? Would he go home and cry underneath his sheets, wishing the universe would be in his favor for once? He didn't know. But just when he wanted to choose one of the three, the most likely choice being... all of the above, his eyes fell on the tall brunet in the back of the classroom, revealing itself to be his best friend Jens, sitting in the corner with his hood up, probably trying to hide himself from all of the other people he didn't know. It was exactly what Robbe really felt like doing.

He let out a breath of relief, sending a little prayer for somehow having gotten this lucky, as he walked up to the boy, quickly taking the spot right next to him.

''You have no idea how _fucking_ relieved I am to see you here.'' His friend breathed out, smiling bright as he looked up at him. ''How are you?''

Robbe exhaled a loaded _''pfff'',_ being just as thankful as he was as soon as he had laid his eyes on him. ''Fuck, I seriously thought I'd be on my own for this entire year. I'm good, you?''

''Yeah, the same. Just not very excited to start this semester again, for obvious reasons.''

''Robbe Ijzermans?'' As his teacher called out his name, Robbe raised his hand.

''Yeah, present.'' He sighed, looking back down at Jens. ''I feel that. I can't believe they switched all of our classes.''

''I'm just glad they kept us in the same one. As far as I've checked, I've got zero connection to any of these people.'' And he was right. Robbe didn't have any connection to any of these people here, either. He didn't even know most of them, as everyone used to have their own hang out spots at their school and no one really crossed paths except for in the hallways when they had to attend their next class. Not that he didn't know anyone- there were always those people that everyone knew, for good or bad reasons, or people that personally stood out to you just because of... who they were. That's how Robbe met his friend Jens one day. He was one of those people that stood out to him. He never really knew why, whether it was just his character or the way he looked incredibly gorgeous. Or maybe he just had that gut feeling that if they met, it would click. And it did. Because as soon as they were set in the same biology class in freshman year, they had pretty much never left each other's side ever again. They were best mates, and they did everything together- skating, smoking, meeting up after classes to stress about their homework, gaming until late in the evenings- they even judged girls' Instagram pictures together. Little did Jens know, that Robbe didn't give a shit about any of them. Maybe there had been a time where Robbe cared more about the guy sitting next to him than the girls they were judging at the same time. But that was back then. Robbe had told himself that Jens clearly didn't see him like that, that they were best friends and would never be something more. He moved on, continuously telling himself he'd meet someone else who he'd click with the same way. And maybe even a little more.

''Jens Stoffels?''

''Here.'' His best friend raised his hand, letting the teacher know he was there and taking Robbe out of his thoughts as he nudged him by his shoulder. ''So, have you had time to check out those new skating videos I sent you? They might be a bit tough for amateurs like us, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.''

Robbe snorted. ''That depends. If you fall down just like last time, you might br-''

And in that moment, his mouth turned dry, unable to produce any more words as his eyes fell on the entrance of the classroom, scanning the person who had just walked himself inside. His pupils widened, feeling himself part his lips and dropping open his mouth a little further, at a complete loss to maintain himself or get back his grip on his own movements. _That's_ how shocked he was to see _him_ walking in.

Jens quickly seemed to notice his strange reaction, not quite understanding what it was for. He frowned, trying to follow Robbe's gaze and figure out what it was that made him look like an absolute basket case. The funny thing was, Robbe knew he looked like one, but he just wasn't able to restore himself. The sight of the guy made him go weak in the knees- _not_ necessarily in a positive way. ''What? Why are you looking like that?''

The answer to Jens' question was quite simple. The guy who was currently standing inside the doorframe, scanning the classroom with his eyes and _so_ obviously ignoring Robbe's gaze was one of the best examples of the ''people who stood out to him just because of who they were'' that he had just mentioned. On the contrary to his friend Jens, he knew exactly why this guy had always been so intriguing to him, and why he noticed him walking down the hallways every single goddamn day, even though he didn't want himself to. It wasn't because he didn't know who he was- _yes,_ he was incredibly gorgeous and made everyone notice him just by walking by, and _yes,_ he had a character and such charisma that made other people want to get to know him so badly. But the point was- Robbe already _did._ He knew who he was, maybe even better than most people in this school.

The guy had always been his bestest friend, the one he met up with every day and watched movies with until night fell, falling asleep on the same bed and waking up with intertwined legs the next morning, acting as if it was the most normal thing in the world. The one he played video games with as their arms brushed past each other from sitting a little too close. The one he'd celebrate all of his birthdays with because he didn't want anyone else to be there with him other than the guy who knew him best. The one who had given him a golden angel necklace for his 14th birthday, right before they entered high school to protect him on days where he couldn't, his presents always being thoughtful, yet this one being even more so special. The one who picked him up for school every day and whispered a quiet ''see you later'' to him as he dropped him off at his class, not wanting him to walk through the halls of school on his own. The one who texted him good morning and good night every single day, reminding him of how he always thought about him, and that someone always cared for him even when Robbe thought no one did. The one who always listened to him, about his fighting parents, about his anxiety, about everything that bothered him, even when he called him at 5 in the morning when he couldn't fall asleep. The one who supported him through heavy nights when his parents divorced, sleeping next to him even when Robbe wasn't able to doze off, calming him down and comforting him with endingless conversations about anything and everything. The one who had always been there for him, who had pretty much been his second half, as he didn't live one day without him by his side. They were brothers to a point where at some moments, their bond felt like more than just that. And even though their intertwined legs, brushing arms and cuddles in the early mornings after hard nights when Robbe needed them most, were things the two of them just did without ever thinking of other guys their age who didn't have these close friendships with their friends at all- there were some moments where Robbe thought that maybe, just maybe... it wasn't just a friendship. Maybe he had always been the one who made him realize that he didn't like to discuss girls with friends or judge their pictures they posted on Instagram. The one who made him realize that he didn't feel like hooking up with any girl who looked at him at parties and taking them home to get into their pants. The one who made him realize that all he needed was right there with him, the one who had always been by his side, the one who had always been all he wanted.

But when they entered high school, everything suddenly changed.

Slowly but surely, he didn't come by anymore. He didn't walk him to his classes to make sure he wouldn't walk the hallways on his own. He didn't sit on his bed next to him, brushing his arm past his and falling asleep next to him as their legs intertwined with each other in their dreams. He didn't pick up the phone anymore at 5 in the morning when Robbe needed him the most, or cuddled up to him like their bond always made them do, whenever Robbe wasn't able to get caught up in his own dreamland by himself. He didn't talk to him anymore, not on the phone, not on his bed, not in the school hallways. He broke their bond, forgetting about their friendship more and more as weeks passed, making Robbe realize as to why he had once given him that golden angel necklace for his 14th birthday to protect him from high school at moments where he couldn't. It was simply because he had never wanted to in the first place.

And now, on this day, they were nothing more than just old acquaintances passing each other in the high school hallways, finding each other's gaze and feeling a painful sting in their chests as they did so, wishing they wouldn't see each other as often as they still did. At the end of the day, they were both just very thankful they didn't have to spend any classes together. They weren't friends. They didn't have a bond. In fact, Robbe didn't despise someone as much as he despised the bleached blonde guy wearing his black leather jacket who currently stood in the doorframe of his classroom.

''Sander Driesen?''

Pain bubbled up inside Robbe's chest as he stared down the oh so familiar guy, not quite believing this was happening. ''You've got to be _fucking_ kidding me.''

''Yeah, that's me.'' The blonde answered, walking inside the room with his green shoulderbag close to him, taking a seat on the front row right next to one of his friends. The worst thing was, that Robbe couldn't take his eyes off of him.

''What's wrong with him?'' Jens asked, following his gaze as he now finally knew where it was headed.

Robbe scoffed. ''What _isn't_ wrong with him? He's the biggest asshole I've ever met.''

''I thought that was me,'' Jens chuckled jokingly, watching Robbe's face to scan his reaction, returning to a poker face once the brunet stared back at him with an annoyed expression. He really wasn't in the mood for jokes about his relationship with Sander. Not that there even was one to begin with. ''Sorry, didn't know the subject was that sensitive.''

''Well, you know exactly how he's always treated me.''

He hadn't told Jens about his past with Sander. He didn't want to discuss it any more, let alone spend any more time on the guy who one day decided to leave him behind. What he did know, was how the blonde had always ignored him and acted as if he didn't exist. His friend shrugged. ''But maybe that's not because of you. Maybe that's just how he's treating everyone.''

''Right. Except for his own clique and posh girlfriend, of course.'' He rolled his eyes, watching Sander as he grabbed his equipment and spread it out over his table, putting one leg up, crossing the other over its knee, tucking his pencil behind his ear and moving his fingers through the strands of his blonde hair that once used to be his own dark brown. It was never how he treated everyone. He didn't treat anyone the way he treated Robbe. He didn't have a past with anyone like the one he had with him. So all the ignorant gazes, the way he tried to avoid any contact when they passed each other in the hallways, and the unbelievably annoying showing off attitude that dripped off of him whenever Robbe was near, were all examples of the behaviour he only showed whenever he was around. And he was fucking exhausted of it. 

''You're not telling me you're jealous, are you?''

Robbe's eyes widened from Jens' question. He couldn't possibly have meant that seriously. ''Jealous? What, of _them?''_

''Yes.''

''Fuck, no. I'd rather break both legs with skating than be friends with him.''

Jens snorted, raising both eyebrows. ''Be careful what you wish for.''

''Right, class. For our assignment this semester we're gonna work on a film project in pairs of two. I've noticed that the classes have been mixed together, so I've decided it'd be better if I devided you into groups myself, to make sure you all get to know each other a little better. You probably hate my guts now, but I really don't care.'' His teacher let out a snort, probably being so proud of himself for not caring about the opinions of all the hormonal 18-year-olds watching him. Robbe wished he was able to do the same. And his teacher was right. Depending on who he'd pair him up to, he might hate his guts for the rest of the year. ''I've put the groups together on the base of your results and list of preferences I asked you to fill in last week, so you basically have nothing to worry about.''

Robbe groaned, already feeling his gut telling him this wouldn't work out well for him. The chances were low he'd be put in the same group with Jens, anyway. Not only did they have completely different results and preferences, there were also about twenty other students in this class that they could be paired up with. ''I swear to God, if this means we're not in the same group, I'll sue him.''

''You might want to start writing a complaint by now, then.'' Jens laughed, probably having no idea just how right he was.

His teacher then cleared his throat, holding a piece of paper in his hands, ready to name the pairs he'd come up with.

''Jens and Noor,'' 

Well, of _fucking_ course. 

''Noor?'' His friend moved his head back, a questionable expression covering his face. ''Isn't that one of Sander's friends?''

Robbe nodded. ''She is.''

''Well, at least she's hot, though.'' Jens licked his lips as he watched the black haired girl who stared right back at him, winking at her as he took his bottom lip between his teeth. He really was the biggest flirt Robbe had ever met, and somehow, right now, it kind of bothered him more than it usually did. Not because he was jealous, but just because... of it being Noor he was being flirty with.

''You know film projects aren't supposed to be used as a way to get into a girl's pants, right?'' Robbe asked, raising his eyebrows at him.

Just before Jens could reply to his clever remark, opening his mouth to do so, they were interrupted by the teacher calling out Robbe's name, revealing who he'd be paired up with right after.

''Robbe and Sander,''

Well, _shit._ What a _fucking_ cliché this was. It was like reading the end of a book before buying it to know if you'd enjoy what would happen. Knowing the way Robbe's life had never worked out for him, he could've expected this to happen the second the guy had walked himself in. He clenched his jaw, seeing Sander turn around on his chair, finding his gaze for the first time in what felt like years. They looked into each other's eyes, the tension rising up and making Robbe feel more uncomfortable by each second that passed. His heart started beating faster, feeling sweat break out on his forehead as he watched Sander leaning his arm on the back of his chair, turning himself around a little more. He still observed him, scanning his face almost as if he wanted to know what he thought about this, as if he _cared_ about how it all made him feel. And Robbe would quite gladly tell him. He felt fucking terrible about it.

''Neither are they supposed to be used as a way to get into a guy's.'' Jens whispered, waking him up from the staring contest him and Sander had just been having.

''I fucking hate you.'' Robbe groaned, nudging the boy's shoulder and almost pushing him off of his chair. He hid his face in his hands, resting both elbows on his table. ''Why does the universe _always_ have to be against me?''

Jens shrugged, leaning back in his chair as he twisted his pencil and took a breath to recover himself from laughing. ''Apparently you and him share the same preferences.''

''There's no way that we do.''

''Maybe you two are more alike than you think, Robbe.''

They were. They always had been. It was like they had always been the same person, each other's other half, complementing each other in ways nobody else ever could. They knew each other better than anyone else, supporting each other through thick and thin as they always were on each other's side. But that was _years_ ago. Robbe had no clue who Sander was right now.

''I doubt that.''

**Monday, 13:29**

The thought of the film project hadn't left Robbe's mind. More specifically, the person he had to work on it with hadn't been able to leave his thoughts. He didn't want to collaborate with Sander at all- in fact, he didn't even feel like talking to him. These were times where Robbe wished he was in university already, starting over and meeting new people, instead of being bothered by the same ones over and over again, having other people decide for you who it was you should be working with. Working with Sander meant he had to meet up with him at least once every week for the coming six months. It was quite ironic how, if this would've happened four years ago, Robbe would've jumped into the air of happiness, thankful for being able to spend even more time together with the blonde than he already did. Whereas now, there really was no other person he despised working with as much as he did with Sander. It wasn't gonna work, Robbe knew that. He just didn't know how to handle this shitty situation at all.

''Boo.'' The curly haired brunet was instantly taken out of his thoughts as Jens put a hand on his shoulder, making him jump from surprise. He put a hand on his heart, taking in a deep breath as it had almost sunken into his feet.

''Fuck, Jens. You're seriously gonna give me a heart attack one day.''

''What are you staring at?'' Jens questioned, completely ignoring his remark. ''Or should I be asking _who?''_

Robbe sighed, knowing exactly what his friend meant. He had been not-that-smoothly watching Sander this entire time, as the boy leaned against his locker, standing just too far away to be able to see the title of the book he was reading. Not that Robbe had any intentions with it, he just thought about their project and the blonde happened to stand there while he did so. That was all. ''I was _looking_ at Sander, and no, it's not what you think.''

His friend frowned expectantly. ''Is there something I should be thinking?''

''No.''

''Right, so why don't you tell me why you're watching him across the hallway even though you hate his guts?''

''You make it sound so dramatic,'' Robbe rolled his eyes, silently loathing how his friend was trying to interfere in his business, not feeling like discussing this entire problem any further. But it had been his own fault to watch Sander this obvious, so he couldn't really tell him off about it either. ''It's just... the project, us having to work on it together. I really don't feel like it's a good idea.''

''Why not? Is he really _that_ bad?''

The brunet shrugged. ''I'm just not feeling it.''

''You could also just... see it as a way to get to know him better? For all you know, the guy is way nicer than you think he is.''

He raised his eyebrows. Yeah, Sander was nice. The emphasis on _was_. He was nice when he still noticed him, when he came by every day and acted like the bestest friend Robbe had ever had. That was, until he started going to high school and completely blew him off without ever telling him the reason why. That's when Sander suddenly wasn't that ''nice'' anymore. ''I doubt that.''

Jens let out an annoyed groan, the sound telling him how done he was with Robbe's vague bullshit. ''Come on, Robbe, what's the actual problem here?''

Frankly, Robbe understood. He had never told his friend about his past with Sander. But he just didn't feel like spending any more time on the guy that had completely ruined the best friendship he'd ever had. Nobody had to know about how close they once used to be. Nobody had to know about Robbe's abandonment issues that had once started with his parents' divorce, and only gotten worse once Sander, the one he thought would never leave him, dropped him without any warning, whatsoever. For years, Robbe had wondered about the reason why, ending up blaming himself without even really knowing if he had to. He hated himself for losing the most important part of his life- but he mostly hated Sander for letting him go that easily.

Maybe it was about time for Robbe to open up to someone about it all, even though he didn't really want to. 

''I-''

But before he could say anything, he got interrupted by an arm clinging itself around his neck, the other ending up around Jens'. He felt a boy pulling him in closely, hugging his body as he yelled: ''What's up, dudes. You good?''

As Robbe turned around, he found the familiar face of one of his friends, Aaron, seeing the last member of their friend group, Moyo, arrive as well. His friend kept his arm wrapped around his neck, as Moyo leaned himself against the wall right next to them. Jens wiped Aaron's arm off of his shoulder, giving Robbe a playful smile as he handed the clingy boy all over to him.

''Yeah, we're just talking,'' Robbe answered, granting his friend the exact same playful smile back and grabbing Aaron's arm to easily push him off of him.

His curly haired friend giggled, placing himself next to Moyo against the wall. ''About what?''

''About Sander.''

Robbe's mouth dropped opened. He did _not_ just say that. _''Jens-!''_

A big smile appeared on Aaron's lips, his eyes widening from suspense. It didn't surprise him at all, considering how boring their lives usually were. ''Consider me intrigued. What about him?''

''Robbe has to do his film project together with him, and he's being all mopey about it.''

The brunet nudged his shoulder, almost making him fall over. This was exactly why he never told any of his friends about his problems, they always acted as if it was a fucking joke to them.

Moyo frowned. ''Why? He seems like a cool guy.''

''I just don't want to, okay? The guy hates my guts. You have no idea what he's like.''

''Do _you?''_ Aaron asked, eyebrows raised as if he dared him to come with a good come-back. And he had one, oh- a _great_ one, actually, but he figured it would be quite strange to reveal his entire past to them right now in the midst of the school hallways, especially if they weren't gonna take him seriously anyway. Next to that, their break only lasted for about ten more minutes, and if Robbe had to tell them about his past with Sander, they'd probably need an entire weekend.

''I- it doesn't matter. I just don't think we should work on this thing together. It won't end well.''

His friend shrugged, clearly not understanding the whole fuzz about it. ''Then why don't you just ask if you can work with Jens?''

''Because the point of the assignment is to get to know someone better. There's no way he's gonna let me work with Jens.''

''If you have a good reason, then I wouldn't know why not.''

He had a fair point. There was no way his teacher would still obligate him to work together with Sander when he had a good reason not to want so. Not that he was gonna share his entire past with him, but there had to be a way to let him know just how badly he wanted to work with someone else other than him. Literally, anyone else. At this point, he didn't even mind if he had to work together with one of Sander's friends, as long as it just wasn't him.

''So... what should I do?''

''Just walk up to him and ask. If he really hates your guts the way you think he does, I suppose he won't have a problem trading places.''

Robbe nodded, knowing he was right, knowing he had to act up on it sometime. And that sometime was now. He licked his lips, taking in a deep breath and letting it out again, preparing himself for whatever was to come.

''Hey,'' Jens grabbed him by his arm, preventing him from walking away right when he wanted to. He found his eyes with a concerned yet curious look, staring down at his features as if he tried to read what Robbe wasn't telling him. Which, was a lot. ''What are you acting so nervous for?''

He wanted to tell him, even though it had always been the opposite. If he really had to work together with this guy for longer than he wanted, then maybe it would be a good step for him to finally tell someone about it, more specifically, his best friend, just to prevent himself from having to go through all of this completely on his own. And out of all of his friends, he figured Jens would be the one that would understand the most. But that was the entire point. The other two were standing right next to them, too, and he really didn't feel like letting them in on his rocky past together with a guy they probably didn't even care about. ''It's- it's nothing. Just leave it, okay? I'll ask.''

His best friend's scepticism dripped off of his face, watching him with squinted eyes before slowly letting go of his arm, clearly not _''leaving it''_ as much as Robbe wanted him to. ''Alright.''

And then, as his friend finally let go of him, Robbe turned around to face the boy who smoothly leaned against his locker, one hand in his pocket, the other holding his book that made Robbe more curious and nostalgic than he wanted to admit. It reminded him of all of those times, years ago, where Sander would lie down next to him as he made his homework, just reading every single book he could find in silence, as if reading it without Robbe on his side would've been different than reading it on his own. He swallowed hard, nerves rushing through his chest as he realized that this would be the first time he had started a conversation with him in _four years_. It was quite ridiculous how anxious he was to even just greet him, but he just didn't know how to. He wasn't used to it anymore. He didn't know how to act around him anymore. He didn't even know how Sander felt about him after all this time. Did he despise him just as much as the other way around? Did he miss him, but just not know how to handle that because he thought Robbe didn't feel the same way? Or did he not even think about him anymore at all, having zero feelings towards him in the first place? Robbe didn't know. All he knew was that his heart was beating out of his chest simply from having to start a conversation with the guy that once just to be his everything.

Not that he knew about that, though.

''Hi.'' Robbe stammered, his voice low and hoarse, making him sound like a total idiot. Which, maybe he was for wanting to start this conversation in the first place. But he knew he had to if he ever wanted to solve this mess. 

He waited for a while, staring at the blonde who didn't take his eyes off of the words in his book, starting to wonder if he had spoken loud and clear enough, or if his voice had been _that_ quiet that the boy hadn't even heard him. He frowned, feeling the urge to nudge his arm or click his fingers to make the boy pay attention to him, not understanding why he wasn't feeling his presence near him to begin with. He really wasn't standing _that_ far away, even though he might've wanted to. 

''Hello? Earth to Sander?''

The blonde finally looked up, scanning his face quickly and immediately looking back down at the book he was reading. His monotonous voice then said: ''Oh, hi. Didn't see you there.''

''Right.'' Robbe popped his lips, pressing them together as he realized it was quite obvious Sander had in fact noticed him, but just didn't feel like talking to him. Robbe felt the exact same, yet, it still hurt him in some way to see Sander treating him like this after everything they went through. He knew it had been four years, so he probably had to be over it by now, but in some moments, he just wasn't. Not when he knew what could've been. He cleared his throat, ready to settle things even more than he already was after Sander's dick-ish response, as he said: ''So, eh, I've been thinking, and I suppose we both rather work with someone else on this project, so I thought of asking the tea-''

''Don't bother. I already asked him if Noor could switch places with you, and he said no.'' Sander interrupted, standing completely still, his eyes never leaving the sight of his book.

Robbe moved his head back, confusion showing up on his face as he hadn't expected him to have been thinking this through already the same way he had done. ''You already asked if we could trade partners?''

''Yes, I did,'' The blonde looked back up at him, finding his gaze. Robbe had almost forgotten what his eyes looked like; a kind of green like the hue of the new spring growth, shining and soft all at once. The green that reminded you of sunshine and floral blooms, the fresh sticks of grass and the golden rays of summer- bright, bold and _absolutely_ beautiful. ''Is that such a surprise to you?''

The answer to his question was quite simple. It _was_ a surprise to him. Because even though Robbe didn't want to work with him knowing it wouldn't end well, and even though he was very aware that Sander most likely felt the same way about him- there was a part of him that had hoped that maybe, just _maybe,_ Sander _did_ want this, and that he'd tell him off once he'd propose the idea to switch partners because he wanted to spend time with him again. And Robbe hated himself for it, because even though he despised him in so many ways, he wasn't ever able to let go of him completely.

''No... I mean... I guess I didn't expect you to.''

Sander frowned. ''Weren't you just gonna suggest the same thing?''

''I- I was.''

''Then what's the problem?''

The problem was that he ignored him for four years straight. The problem was that he was still acting like a complete asshole as if it had never even happened, as if their friendship had never even happened. The problem was that Robbe wanted to forget about him, get over him and move on, but he _couldn't,_ simply because he had always been way too important to him. The problem was that Sander apparently had no hard time letting go of things Robbe did have a hard time letting go of. The problem in the end, had always been Robbe himself, for continuously wanting to give this guy another chance and wishing he would finally take it someday. But he never did.

He felt himself starting to breathe faster, not knowing what to say or do. He completely lost track of the conversation and what he wanted to achieve with it, feeling anxiety rushing through his chest as the blonde stared down at him and expected an answer that made sense- one that Robbe really wasn't capable of producing right now. ''There... there is no problem.''

''Good. Things are settled, then.'' The blonde said, as he turned himself around and placed his book back in his locker, closing it down and zipping his shoulder bag closed. He found his gaze one more time, not adding anything to it before turning around and preparing himself to walk away.

''But, _wait-''_ Robbe said, not being able to resist the urge to grab Sander's arm and hold him back, as he wrapped his fingers around his jacket, practically pulling him back to him. The blonde immediately looked down at where his hand touched him, making him realize what it was he was doing and instantly taking his hand back to prevent himself from making this situation even more uncomfortable. ''We're just gonna work on this together, then?''

Sander's lips parted, his shrugging almost invisible. ''I suppose we have no choice other than failing the class, do we?''

The brunet shook his head, staring into his eyes. How he wished he was able to read minds right now. ''No, we don't.''

He licked his lips, readjusting his jacket at the place where Robbe had just held him, almost as if he wanted to wipe the touch away. ''Alright. Then I'll see you next class, _Robin.''_

**Tuesday, 07:22**

**Tuesday, 12:45**

As the next media period had started, Robbe knew exactly what was gonna be waiting for him as soon as he'd enter the classroom. Or more specifically, _who_ would be waiting for him. Him and Sander hadn't spoken since that one embarrassing moment at the boy's locker, so he just assumed that he'd be waiting for him at his table, ready to start working on the project he really didn't feel like working on. But what else was he supposed to do? Sander had a fair point: they didn't have another choice other than failing the class and having to redo it next semester. But even if they made that choice, they'd probably be the only two seniors having to re-take the class, so they'd still be paired up together after all. It was really like the universe _wanted_ them to work together, making Robbe wonder if he'd ever done something so terribly awful that caused him to have _this_ amount of karma. But he figured he didn't have another choice. Neither did Sander.

When he walked himself into the classroom, his eyes immediately fell on the blonde boy who had sat himself down behind a table, leaning both legs onto it, resting both hands intertwined on his lap. He raised his eyebrows as Robbe walked in, scanning the boy from up all the way down as he swallowed and sat himself up straight. 

''Hi.'' Robbe whispered, coming to a halt next to the table, grisping onto his bag to hopefully find some more stability. He truly had never been this nervous before, and the fact that it was caused by Sander made it all even worse than it already was.

''Hey.'' The blonde answered, avoiding his gaze, scanning the rest of his body instead.

Robbe didn't know what to do. Was he supposed to just sit down next to him and discuss the project? Was he supposed to start a conversation about how they would even manage to do this in the first place, considering the vibe between them that definitely wouldn't be very useful for a six month time frame of working together? Was he supposed to finally discuss the elephant in the room after somewhat four years, and ask him why he ever decided to completely write him off and never talk to him again? There were so many scenarios rushing through his mind, that he barely even noticed himself choosing one, as he stammered: ''So... the project.''

Well, at least he said something.

Sander pressed his lips together, sitting himself back in his chair. ''Right, _our_ project.''

Wait, why did he just say it like _that?_ Why did he put such an emphasis on ''our''? Did he mean to tell him he didn't mind it being theirs? Did he mean to tell him that he _did_ mind, and he just wanted to make that clear some more? Why did he suddenly change into this vague guy that Robbe had no idea how to read, when he used to be such an open book to him four years ago? In fact, what reason had made him change this much in the first place? 

He figured he wouldn't achieve much by wasting his time on trying to read and understand a guy that didn't want to be read and understood, so instead of trying to get answers to his long-going thoughts, he decided to focus himself on what they were here for, and just try to get this over with as soon as he possibly could. The project couldn't possibly be _that_ much work. Robbe had always been a film-maker, he had been making them for years ever since he met his friends. He knew all the ins and outs, he knew how to shoot and edit, so considering the skill they needed for it, they were one step ahead of the rest of the class. Maybe that meant this project wouldn't take that long after all, meaning he'd be done working with Sander and being surrounded by him earlier than he expected. Now _that_ was an intention he planned on reaching. 

''Did you already think of some ideas?'' He asked, jumping right into it and making sure no time would be wasted.

Sander shrugged, his expression completely numb. ''I honestly don't have any clue of what we're supposed to do.''

Wait, what? What did he mean with: _''I have no clue of what we're supposed to do''?_ The assignment had been accessible on the school's website for _two weeks-_ reading it through even was the work they needed to prepare for last week's period. Everyone knew what this project was supposed to be about. But of course, Sander was different. He had always been too fucking bigheaded to care about things that didn't interest him during the past four years. Shit, Robbe wasn't allowed to make this a personal matter again. _Focus._

''So... you didn't prepare for this, then?''

The blonde shook his head, barely visible, while he played with the hem of his leather jacket. ''I didn't know I had to.''

Robbe rolled his eyes, irritation rushing through his chest, sitting himself down behind a table on the side of the classroom, far away enough from Sander who he really didn't feel like sitting next to right now. Or ever, for that matter.

''Of course you didn't.'' He mumbled softly, so quiet that even the brunet himself almost couldn't hear.

''What?''

But of course, Sander had heard him anyway.

Robbe shook his head, biting his lower lip to prevent himself from making a big deal out of it. He really wanted to, but he knew it wasn't gonna change this situation for the better. ''Nothing.''

He could hear Sander's chair cracking as he sat himself up a little further, bowing himself over the table with his intertwined hands resting in front of him, staring down at Robbe with the most seductive look the boy had ever seen on him. He looked up through his eyelashes to find the blonde's gaze, as they just stared at each other for a minute, waiting for the other to say something. Sander licked his lips, the bright light of the fluorescent tubes of the classroom reflecting in the wetness, as his eyebrows moved up and down quickly, silently daring him. 

''So, enlighten me, then.'' He said.

''Of what?''

Of how annoying you are? Of how much of an asshole you are for not having prepared this period or any work, for that matter? Of how bigheaded you are to have never given as much as a single damn about me, having acted as if I never even existed during the past four years? Of how fucking crazy you make me, for never leaving my thoughts and never being able to get over you even though it's all I've ever wanted? Fuck, Robbe really needed to get his head straight. In some ways, that was.

Sander frowned, clearly not understanding Robbe's question. ''Of what it is we're supposed to do, obviously.''

_Don't make a big deal out of it. Do not go into this. Act as if you don't give a damn about his asshole behaviour. Don't let him get to you. Just tell him the fucking assignment and let's get this period over with as soon as possible._

Robbe took in a deep breath, grabbing his laptop from his backpack and starting it up, never looking back at Sander as he replied: ''We're supposed to recreate a part of a classic movie that stood out to us. We have to transform it into a story that fits the world as we know it today and justify the reason why we chose this specific film.''

_Great answer, Robbe. Good job, Robbe. You just did that, Robbe. He probably expected you to yell at him for not having his work done and you didn't give him what he wanted. Way to fucking go, Robbe, you just nailed that._

''Hm, okay,'' Sander sat back again, leaning one leg over the other's knee, tapping his fingers on his shoe, clearly being disappointed by not getting the reaction he hoped for. ''Do you know a movie you'd like to recreate?''

He didn't. This actually was a question he wanted to avoid, because he figured that if anyone was able to choose a good movie, it was him. Sander had always been the one who was into movies and theatre, coming by at his house to tell him about his newest favorites, going on about what he loved about them for hours, asking Robbe if he wanted to watch them together so he could show him just how good they really were. And Robbe had always gladly insisted, knowing it made him the happiest guy on the planet to share his favorite things with his bestest friend and the person he knew supported him the most with everything. 

That was back then, though. Now, Robbe didn't really want to make Sander feel as if he still cared for him in that way. He simply wanted him to make that choice because he knew he was better at it. That was all. Zero strings attached. 

''No, I... I figured you might know that better than me.'' He stammered, looking up to immediately find Sander's eyes, knowing exactly what the blonde boy was thinking right now. Of course he remembered those moments, too. And of course he now knew Robbe still thought about them at times, even though they had always ignored each other. He cursed at himself for being so obvious, and for not just choosing the fucking movie himself. This is what he meant when he said it wasn't gonna work.

''Why me?''

The answer to the question was simple. And Robbe realized that... maybe it would be a good thing if Sander found out he hadn't forgotten about their friendship. Maybe he would for once realize how much of an asshole he'd been for ever letting it go.

''Because you always knew so much about them, back when we...'' All of a sudden, completely out of nowhere, he felt tears pricking in the back of his eyes, swallowing them away as he cleared his throat. ''Never mind.''

He looked back at his laptop, quickly opening a new tab to search for some movies and distract himself from the thoughts he really wanted to push away right now. He didn't care about Sander anymore. He _didn't._ He _couldn't._ He wasn't going to be emotional over this anymore, especially not in front of him. It had been years, and it was about time that he moved on. Sander had. So he really had zero reason not to.

''I'll choose one.''

Robbe glanced up at the blonde, his sudden proposal taking him off guard.

''You will?''

Sander nodded slowly, his eyes looking defeated, almost as if Robbe hadn't been the only one who had turned a bit emotional. ''Yeah.''

He probably just imagined it, though.

''Okay,'' Robbe quickly said, changing the subject of the conversation to avoid discussing things the both of them really didn't want to discuss right now. ''Then... I'll just search for more information about the equipment to work with and everything.''

''Don't you already know a lot about that?'' Sander asked, making the brunet stare at him with confusion.

''What do you mean?''

The blonde shrugged, fiddling with his fingernails. '"Well, with all those videos you and your friends make all the time. Aren't you supposed to be the camera guy?''

Wait- Sander _knew_ about the vlogs him and his friends made? He knew that most students had watched them once, but the fact that Sander had too, somehow made it all hit a lot different.

His eyes turned wide, as he stared at Sander with utter surprise. ''You _watch_ those?''

''I never said I did,'' The blonde mumbled, swallowing his words away as if he tried to save himself from embarrassment. He sat up straight, broadening his shoulders to make himself look more determined, as he said: ''I just figured. Since you were into filming and editing so much, when we...''

Silence fell. There it was again. One of those moments where one of them remembered their past, almost forgetting as if the past four years hadn't happened. Sander knew Robbe thought of it. But now Robbe knew that Sander did, too.

The blonde moved his tongue past the inside of his cheek, staring down at his hands that were still fiddling around with each other on his lap. He clearly realized he had said a bit too much, things he hadn't wanted to say, as he never finished his sentence, and never tried to restore or correct himself, either. Somehow, Robbe kind of felt bad for him. He didn't want to, knowing how much of an asshole he could be, but he knew their past had meant something to him as well at some point. 

''You're right, I do film those. But it's not as professional as this project is supposed to be.'' He answered, trying to ignore the last part of Sander's sentence. Maybe it was a way to save him. Maybe it was a way to save Robbe himself from a conversation he didn't want to have.

Sander looked up at him, his pupils dilated as he realized Robbe hadn't paid attention to everything he had said- or at least, _acted_ as if he hadn't. He parted his lips, licking them as he let out a soft, relieved scoff. ''Ah, right.''

The quiet beated around them again, as Robbe focused himself on his laptop and the search for the right equipment they could use for the project. His eyes fell on some useful articles and YouTube tutorials of how to install professional lighting, saving them in his bookmarks to make sure he'd know where to find them as soon as they actually needed them. He realized he'd been searching for a while, half an hour having passed in the meantime, the period being close to over as the both of them hadn't spoken another word ever since... _that_ happened. He glanced up from his screen, finding the boy who had been quiet for such a long time, seeing him lying down on his chair, both legs resting back on the table, as he held his phone in his hand and focused himself on scrolling down onto it.

Anger boiled up inside Robbe's chest. He really had to be _fucking_ kidding him.

''What are you doing?''

Sander never looked up, his eyes still focused on his phone's screen as his head rested on his free hand. ''Hm?''

''We're supposed to be working on the project.''

''Right.'' The blonde found his gaze, shaking his head with a confused expression as if he was doing absolutely nothing wrong. ''Your point being-?''

Robbe scoffed, rolling both eyes. ''Relaxing both legs on a table while scrolling through your Instagram feed _isn't_ working on the project.''

''Damn, Robin, relax,'' Sander let out a laugh, taking his legs off of the table. ''You're acting as if it has to be handed in tomorrow.''

''I'm acting the way we should be acting. We're supposed to spend this hour on our project so we don't have to work on it in our free time.''

''Who said I'll be working on it in my free time?''

He really was such a _fucking_ asshole. Robbe had reached a point where he couldn't maintain himself anymore. First he didn't prepare anything for a project that required team work, and now he wasn't even spending the necessary time on working on it and decided to let Robbe do everything instead? He could write an entire essay of reasons why he deserved a different partner at this point.

The brunet moved his chair back in a whim, creating a loud squeak that echoed itself throughout the room. ''Okay, _what_ is your problem?''

''I don't have a problem.'' Sander frowned, his voice turning angrier.

''Then why are you suddenly acting like this?''

''Like _what?''_

''Like you're more important than everyone else.''

The blonde's eyes widened, as he dropped his mouth opened all offendedly. _''Excuse me?''_

''Literally all I'm asking for is for you to participate, and you haven't even checked the assignment even though it's been online for two weeks.''

''Who says I'm not participating?'' Sander stood up, walking towards Robbe's table. He turned his phone around, showing him his bright screen and revealing what he had been doing all this time. _80's movies that changed our view on cinematography._ Well _shit_. Robbe really was a fucking idiot for not considering the possibility of him searching for movies online on his _phone_. His hatred towards him really had gotten in the way of thinking realistically. The boy turned quiet, quite literally defeatedly sitting back in his chair. Sander shook his head, watching him with a disapppointed look. ''Maybe you shouldn't judge before you check your facts, Ijzermans.''

As the boy walked back to his table, grabbing his green shoulderbag from the floor and prepared himself to leave, Robbe stood up, grabbing him by the sleeve of his jacket to make him stop from doing so. ''I- _fuck._ I'm sorry.''

Sander wiped his hand away, freeing himself from Robbe's grip. ''This isn't gonna work...''

 _''Sander-''_ He said loudly, grabbing his arm yet again as he walked past him, finding the classroom's exit. ''I'm sorry, okay?''

''For what? Judging me without really knowing me? Walking past me in the hallways as if you don't even notice me? Wanting to work on this assignment with your best bud you replaced me with instead of me?''

It was like Sander opened up a box of his thoughts and feelings that had been sealed off for the past four years, his eyes penetrating his with the most hurtful expression he had ever seen on him. Robbe had never realized more than he did right now that whatever had happened between them had a _reason-_ a reason Sander had never shared with him, maybe because he didn't want to, or maybe because Robbe already knew. What if all of this had indeed been _his_ fault?

He truly knew how to make this situation even worse, anyway.

''I- no, that's not what I mean-''

''Then what are you sorry for, Robbe?'' Sander asked, his voice loud and clear, reverberating through Robbe's ears.

What _was_ he sorry for? For letting go of their friendship four years ago and being too scared he'd done something wrong to try and find out why? For once loving him as way more than just a friend and for never daring to own up to it? For ruining whatever they had for a reason he wasn't aware of, even though he maybe should be? For not being able to get over him, not even if he tried his best, because even after all they went through, he was still more important to him than he dared to admit? 

''For... this.'' He sighed, as he finally decided what to answer. It didn't cover everything he felt, or all he was sorry for. But he just didn't know what else to say. ''I guess I'm just not used to... you, anymore.''

Sander's gaze never left his, silence growing among them. He could swear he saw tears forming in the back of his eyes.

''Me neither.'' He whispered, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. He quickly shook his head and stared down at his feet, moving his hand through his blonde locks and finally releasing himself from Robbe's grip as if he tried to restore himself. ''I- I have to go.''

''Where are you going?''

''I'm meeting up with Britt.''

Right. He had a _girlfriend_. The person he spent most of his time with. The person he did things with Robbe had always secretly wanted to do with him, too. The person that had taken his place of being the most important someone in his life. And it had all been his own fucking fault. He truly had no right to be jealous. He had all caused this himself.

''Oh.'' He said, not knowing what else to say, too afraid he'd say things that would fuck things up even more. ''So... are we still doing this?''

''Doing what?'' Sander asked, his arm already having pushed open the door.

''The project. You and I.''

Silence fell for a while, as Sander just sighed, looking down at Robbe's feet, back up to his brown eyes.

''I guess there's no other choice.''

There was. There was always another choice. Even when life made it seem like there wasn't.

Despite knowing that, Robbe just shook his head, unable to keep this conversation going any longer. ''There isn't.''

''Right,'' The blonde shuffled on his feet for a bit, moving himself around on the edge of the classroom's exit, almost as if he wanted to say something else but didn't know how to. But instead, he just nodded, pushing one of his hands down into his pocket. ''I'll text you the name of the movie once I've found one.''

The brunet returned the same gesture, biting down on his lower lip. ''Okay.''

''See you, Robin.''

''See you.''

**Tuesday, 20:15**

**Tuesday, 21:52**

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! and welcome to my new fic ''the things you once said to me''.
> 
> i've been creating this new idea over the past weeks and i personally liked it more than ''all i wanted was for you to be safe''. i'm not saying i'll never continue that one, but i am saying i am finishing this one first hehe. i've enjoyed writing this so much until now and i hope you bare with me through the entirety of it.
> 
> as you know, i always like to create fics that cover lots of tropes, so i'll do it again with this one. prepare for a lottt of them. :')
> 
> please let me know what you thought of this first chapter and what your expectations are for the next (also from reading the tags hehe). your comments really keep me going and your opinion truly motivates me. so please come talk to me here or on my tumblr: sobbefairytales.
> 
> lots of love, a. <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Wednesday, 16:17**

Robbe stared down at his phone, unable to stop himself from reading Sander's text over and over again. _Neither of us like doing this project together but we have to._ It hurt him in more ways than he thought possible, as Sander had pretty much confirmed once again just how badly he wanted things to be different. He didn't want to work with him, he didn't want to talk to him- in fact, he probably didn't even want to be surrounded by him. Compared to their friendship four years ago, there really was pretty much nothing left now. The worst thing was, that the part that hurt him the most, was that Sander just didn't say what was bothering him so much, or why he decided to end it all without a warning. He knew there must've been a reason for him to have done so, and he just couldn't stand the fact Sander wasn't letting him in on it. Because even though he hated him and wished this entire situation was different, he still felt like he wanted to fix things, nonetheless. The friendship he had once had with Sander truly was so rare that despite hating him for what he'd done to him, he couldn't help but feeling like wanting to do everything in his power to change it back to the way it once was. 

''Do you want some?'' He was taken out of his thoughts as Jens nudged his arm, handing him over the joint he'd just been rolling. They sat next to each other on the side of the half-pipe they'd usually skate down off, sitting that close to one another that their arms continuously brushed past each other, creating a weird feeling inside Robbe's stomach as it made him more nostalgic than it probably should have done. 

''Yeah, sure.'' He sighed, grabbing the joint from his hand and placing it in between his lips. He took the longest drag, feeling the cannabis enter his lungs as he closed his eyes to let the feeling kick in. He usually wouldn't really smoke joints that much, prefering cigarettes over them as they didn't take a certain control over your body, but today, knowing exactly what conversation he was about to have, he couldn't really stop himself from doing so. He popped his lips, blowing out the smoke through his nose, letting out a relieved breath and handing the joint back over to his friend. ''Thanks, I really needed that.''

It stayed quiet for a while, no other sound than the wind blowing past them and the other skaters continuously tripping and cursing as they fell down off of their skateboards. Jens tapped his knee with his fingers, clearly wanting to ask something, making Robbe look up at him with curiosity as to why he just didn't already. Which, eventually, he apparently noticed. ''So, what's up between you and Sander?''

 _You and Sander._ The sound only made Robbe feel nauseous.

''There is no me and Sander.''

''Right,'' Jens let out a big exhale, turning himself to face Robbe as he watched him with a questionable look. ''You do realize you're acting very weird about all of this, don't you?''

Robbe sighed, shaking his head. He knew he was acting weird, it had always been that way when it came to Sander. So it was quite understandable that Jens had reached a point where he felt like it was something that needed to be discussed. ''It's just complicated, Jens...''

''Try me. I'm sure I can handle it.'' His friend put a supporting hand on his shoulder. ''Or don't you want to tell me?''

He nodded quickly, instantly wanting to let him know that this wasn't about him- he _wanted_ to tell him, he really did. It was just harder than Robbe had expected it to be. He had never opened up to anyone about his past with Sander. He hadn't even told his mom about it, even though she always kept asking about where his best friend was and why she never saw him anymore. He just never felt like talking about it. Just the thought of Sander letting it all go without ever telling him why made him feel like breaking down on the spot, so saying the actual words to someone would probably only hurt more. But right now, sitting here, together with Jens, his _new_ best friend who'd never leave him the same way Sander did- suddenly made him feel like taking off his mask and revealing at least a little of what was behind it. ''I do.''

''Then what is it, Robbe? You know I'd never judge you.''

He knew that. Jens never had, and he never would. It was quite ironic how he'd never told him about being interested in guys just yet. But in the end, that was something Robbe wasn't quite sure about himself either.

So he just nodded, knowing his friend was right, knowing he didn't have to hold anything back in front of him. ''I know, I appreciate that.''

''Good. So... what happened between you two?''

Did he have a moment? They met when they were in kindergarten. They clicked over a song that they both knew and sang at home all day. They hung out together every single day from that moment on. Robbe knew Sander like nobody else did, and it was the exact same way the other way around. They had seen each other, been with each other and talked to each other in ways no other friends ever did. They'd have sleepovers even in the middle of the week, not leaving each other's side at school as well as at home. Their parents would treat them as brothers, as if they were a part of each other's families, never being seperated from the other because they just didn't want to. They discovered their hobbies and talents from the other bringing it out in them. They learned how to talk about the hard things in life and laugh about the good ones because the other was always there to listen. He learned him what it was like to fall in love, even though Robbe didn't even know what that meant or was supposed to feel like just yet. And in the end, he learned him what it was like to loose someone you loved in ways you never expected them to. He learned him what it was like to loose trust in someone, being disappointed and hurt by someone you thought would never want to make you feel that way. But Robbe figured that would be too long of a summary to tell right here, right now.

''Remember how he's always ignored me, or acted as if I didn't exist to him?''

Jens nodded. ''Yes.''

''It wasn't like that before.''

''Before what?''

''Before we went to high school.''

His friend moved back, surprise clearly rushing through his eyes. Apparently, he hadn't seen that one coming. ''Are you saying you and him used to be _friends?''_

Robbe scoffed, looking down at his lap with a soft smile playing on his lips. ''Best friends, actually. We used to be incredibly close, we did everything together.''

''Then what happened?''

Oh, you know, he just left him behind as if he never even existed to him. He forgot about their friendship within the length of a week, not showing up at his house anymore, not granting him a single look in the school hallways anymore. He even blocked his number at one point, as if he silently wanted to tell him they were _done-_ finished, completely over, and he never wanted him to reach out to him ever again. He had made Robbe feel as if he had made the biggest mistake of his life, making him feel guilty for something he didn't even know the reason of. He abandoned him, cut him out of his life, and never reminded him of what it was like to be close to him ever again. In conclusion, Robbe had no fucking clue what happened at all himself either.

''Honestly? I don't have a fucking clue. He once told me he'd never leave my side, that we'd be friends forever. But then once high school started... he just didn't pay attention to me anymore.''

''Oh, fuck.'' Jens raised his eyebrows, clearly taken off guard by this sudden reveal, not having expected to hear this at all. ''And he has never told you why?''

''No,'' Robbe played with his fingers, laying them on his lap, biting down his lower lip. Maybe that was the worst part of it all. He was devastated about everything that had happened, but the part that made him sad the most was the part where Sander had never explained to him why he chose to end things the way that he did. ''It's been four years, and we've never talked since.''

His friend shook his head, placing his hand back on his shoulder and giving it a supporting squeeze. ''That fucking sucks, Robbe, I'm so sorry.''

''I just don't want to work together with someone who doesn't even want to be around me, you know?''

Jens brought the joint to his lips, taking a drag and blowing it out in the cold air. He watched the damp slowly fade away, doubtfully squinting his eyes as he said: ''I still feel like there's more to it. That he doesn't mind working together with you as much as he says he does.''

Robbe frowned. ''Why's that?''

''Because, like I said, there's always a way out. If he really didn't want to be around you for six months, he'd have done something by now.''

''He did ask if we could switch partners.''

''Yeah, but that's the easy way out. If he actually wanted this, he'd try much more to get his way.''

As a matter of fact, he did have a fair point. There was always a way out, even if it didn't seem that way. This was just a simple high school group project- if Sander really had a valid reason to not want to work together with Robbe, there would be no way his teacher would keep obligating him to work together with him nonetheless. It would for sure take some more effort and dedication to get his way other than just asking if he could switch partners, but in the end, there was _always_ a way out. Especially if you tried hard to get there.

''You think so?''

Jens hummed in approval. ''Yeah, I do.''

One thing Robbe didn't understand, though, was... why? Why didn't Sander try harder to get his way? What made him hold back and do this assignment with him anyway? Was it because he actually _wanted_ to? And if he actually wanted to do this together with him for some reason, then what had changed? Why did he suddenly want to be around him again, even though he had never wanted to during the past four years? 

''Why would he want to, though? After such a long time?''

His friend shrugged, letting out a soft, almost inaudible scoff. ''I guess I could ask you the same thing.''

Robbe frowned, being confused by Jens' reaction. This wasn't about _him,_ this was about Sander. ''What? Why me?''

''Well, it's not like you are trying hard to get out of this situation, either.''

''What are you trying to say?''

''I'm just saying that maybe, you don't mind being around him that much either.''

''I mean... I guess it's okay to be around him.'' And it was. The one time they had been together to work on the project hadn't been that bad after all. And in the moments where it almost went wrong, it had never been Sander's fault, but Robbe's. The blonde did what he had to do, and he wasn't necessarily giving him a hard time. Not that this made them friends, though. Robbe still despised him more than anyone else after everything he'd done to him. ''But that doesn't change the fact that I still hate his guts.''

''Why? Because he ignored you for four years without ever telling you why?''

''Yes.'' 

Jens took another drag, staring at Robbe with a curious expression, trying to read his face as he questioned: ''Have you ever asked him?''

No, he hadn't. Robbe had never even dared to. He had always blamed Sander for not reaching out to him in the beginning, and after he got blocked, he never dared to step up to him and ask him why he had made that choice. It came to a point where Robbe was almost afraid to talk to him, simply because he didn't know what it was he did and he was scared Sander still judged him for it. Ironically, he would probably never find out if he didn't just ask him for once. 

''I- no, but-''

''Right. Robbe, there clearly is one big problem here and it's called _lack of communication.''_ His friend laughed softly, shaking his head. Apparently it all made a lot more sense to him than it did to Robbe. He wished he could think as easy about all of this the way he did. ''Just talk to the guy, I'm sure he doesn't bite. Maybe he's wanted to tell you, but never felt like you wanted to listen.''

Robbe scoffed, taken off guard by this sudden sensitive side of Jens that he usually wouldn't really show. ''Wow, didn't know you were this deep.''

''I'm not deep, I just know what it's like to be best friends with you.''

As Jens handed him the joint back over, Robbe parted his lips, letting his mouth drop opened as he playfully acted all offended, placing the joint between his lips. ''Are you saying I'm a bad listener?''

''No, I'm saying I know how stubborn you can be sometimes.'' His friend replied, moving his hand through Robbe's curls, messing them up even more than they already were.

The brunet giggled, trying to recover his hairdo as much as he could - which, was never that much - and blowing out the smoke he'd just inhaled. ''I guess you have a point.''

''Of course I do. I'm always right.''

He nudged his shoulder as Jens laughed out loud from his poker-face, pushing his friend off of the half pipe. ''Don't become too full of yourself.''

**Thursday 14:48**

As Robbe walked himself throughout the hallway of his high school, finding himself the next classroom he was supposed to go to, his thoughts couldn't stop focusing on Jens' words. _If he actually wanted this, he'd try much more to get his way. Maybe he's wanted to tell you, but never felt like you wanted to listen._ He had a fair point. After the guy had blocked his number, he had never really tried or dared to reach out to him anymore in another way, to ask him whatever he did wrong to make him act the way he did. But maybe that had always been Sander's point, that he wanted him to reach out to him in another way, that he wanted him to listen to him rather than speaking to him through messages. But then again, it hadn’t really been like Sander had ever showed he still wanted him to talk to him in the first place. He truly didn’t know how to read this guy.

''Why do you always act like this?'' The echo Robbe heard booming throughout the hallway brought him back to reality, making him stop his pace and come to a halt right next to the corner where the sound came from. He moved himself against the wall, trying to make no noise other than the sound of his breath as he couldn't help but listen, knowing that if he'd walk around the corner, he'd interfere in a conversation that apparently was quite heated at the moment.

''Like what?''

He knew that voice. The other one, too. Robbe could swear he recognized them, he just couldn't pin-point it exactly from standing just a bit too far away.

''Like you want to be in control over my life and my decisions.''

''Sander, I'm just trying to help you choose what's best for you.''

Oh, _fuck_. So _that's_ why he recognized their voices. He knew exactly who these two people were- in fact, he knew one of them better than anyone else. He couldn't believe he had almost walked into what was quite obviously a fight between Britt and the one guy he thought would only ever raise his voice to _him_ like this. Little did he know, he apparently showed his asshole attitude to his girlfriend, too. 

''And I'm telling you that art is the right choice for me.''

''You and I both know that your art isn't gonna bring you anywhere.''

Oh, shit. Maybe Sander’s attitude didn't have the bad intention Robbe thought after all. Maybe he actually had a good reason to yell at her the way that he did. Because one thing Robbe knew about him, was how passionate Sander had always been about art— it didn’t matter which form, whether it was theatre, film, music or paintings, Sander absolutely _adored_ every single aspect of it, always telling him how much he wanted to become an artist himself, knowing he’d be able to reflect his feelings and safely hide his true self from people he didn’t trust underneath the layers of paint he so badly wanted to create. And now, four years later, Robbe accidentally found out he actually wanted to pursue a career in it like he had always dreamed of, yet, his girlfriend, the most important person in his life, didn’t support him with it the way he needed her to. In fact, she even told him it wouldn’t bring him anywhere.

And even though their bond was gone, and even though he had no idea who Sander was at this point, Robbe could still feel just how badly those words hurt him. His art was his everything. He had always known that. 

''And why not? Because you think it's shit?''

''I never said it was, I'm just saying art isn't gonna give you a great future.''

''Right, because the future is all about money and having a business, isn't it?''

''At least you'll be able to make a life for yourself.''

The words Britt said to him didn’t surprise Robbe at all. He had always thought of Britt as a posh type, knowing her dad owned multiple mansions and had a well-flowing business that earned him thousands of euros a month. Of course she thought his art wouldn’t bring him anywhere. It wasn’t a surprise that she had been raised with the norms and values of her cash rich dad that had always been about money and living a wealthy life before having a healthy one. 

''So you'd rather want me to work my ass off for a lot of money I don't even need, instead of choosing something that makes me happy?''

''Having enough money will make you happy eventually. Art can always still be something you do on the side.''

He could hear Sander let out a loud scoff, knowing he probably threw his hands into the air out of complete despair at the same time. And honestly, Robbe felt like doing the exact same. She truly was acting like the most selfish bitch right now, and Robbe could only wish that Sander was surrounded by better people who actually wanted him to choose the path in life that made him the happiest. Guilt rushed up in his chest. If only he had still been close to him now. 

''I honestly can't fucking believe you.''

Silence fell, as Robbe heard footsteps echoing throughout the room, slowly disappearing into the distance. He looked around the corner carefully, revealing an empty hallway to himself, Sander having ended the conversation on a note that hadn’t exactly made things any better for him. The worst thing was, that this probably wasn't even the first time him and Britt had been having a conversation like this where she completely brought all of his hopes and dreams down to a point where he started doubting himself and his future. And that’s when Robbe figured out what it was he had to do. He was gonna make sure Sander knew he genuinely wanted to listen.

**Thursday 16:11**

The school yard was empty and quiet, most people having gone home already by the time their last class got dismissed. Usually, Robbe would have gone home the minute he'd be done as well, but today, things were different. He had always noticed how, when the last period ended and every student slowly left the building, there would always be those handful of people who'd stay until a little later, enjoying the fact there wasn't really anyone around, taking in the peace and quiet as they apparently liked to study at school more than they did at home. Some people just were like that, and of course, Robbe wouldn't have been Robbe if those people hadn't stood out to him, simply because they were different from everyone else. He always found those people the most intriguing, knowing they made other choices than most people did and didn't scare away from not fitting into the school's cliques by doing some things their own way. And since he knew exactly who the people were who tended to stay a while longer, he also knew exactly where to find the blonde boy he somehow really felt like talking to. He had always been one of the people that stood out to him, anyway. 

And there he was, right where Robbe had expected him to, sitting behind a table in the grass field in front of the school's entrance, burying himself in the pages of the same book he had been reading a few days ago. He was smoking a cigarette, his chin resting on his hand, as the wind blew through his blonde locks and messed them up even more perfectly than they already were. 

Robbe carefully walked up to him, knowing he might've been invading his private place, his personal time- but he just couldn't _not_ talk to him at this moment. He knew what happened earlier today, and his gut feeling was telling him to be that person he could talk to, to be that person that listened to him when others didn't. He figured it was the least he could do, after receiving Jens' advice on Wednesday. And Sander had never been the person to be surrounded by many friends, so besides Britt and maybe Noor, he probably didn't have that many people to talk to about things like this. He came to a halt in front of him, nervously moving a hand through his hair as he slowly asked: ''Can I sit here?''

Sander never looked up from his book. Instead, he just shrugged, flipping it to the next page in the meantime. ''You'd have to ask my invisible friends, I'm sure they'll make room for you.''

''Right.'' Robbe whispered, raising both eyebrows. He clearly was in one of his _''I don't like you, and therefore I won't look at you''_ moods again. He felt annoyance bubbling up inside his chest, but he knew he had to ignore it, no matter how hard that was for him in that moment. He had to do something if he ever wanted to find out about his reasons for their past. He had to do something to prove to Sander that he in fact _did_ want to listen to him, even if he thought he had never really wanted to. ''Are... you okay?''

''I'm fucking fantastic, thanks for asking.'' His monotonuous voice replied, confirming Robbe's thoughts - and maybe slight worries - of him not being okay after the conversation he had overheard earlier this afternoon. 

''Sander, what's wrong?''

The blonde scoffed, finally glancing up from the pages in his book to stare at Robbe with utter disbelief. He parted his lips, saying: ''Oh, so _now_ you suddenly care about my feelings? It took you some time.''

Well, _fuck this._ He clearly wasn't in the mood to talk- he probably never would be with this douchehead attitude. And this wasn't the first time this week, either. Robbe knew that he had fucked up once, but Sander just kept punishing him for it. First the text, now these snappy remarks. If it were to continue like this for the coming six months, Robbe was quite sure he wouldn't be able to take it. In fact, he'd rather do everything in his power to switch partners right now instead of keeping this charade going any longer. And it wasn't like he hadn't tried. He had tried to ask what was wrong, he had tried to apologize for what happened on Tuesday. He had tried to listen and to show him he regretted his actions. But no, considering Sander, nothing he would do could ever possibly be right.

''Alright, first that text and now this? If this entire fucking assignment is just gonna be you throwing shade at me, this ends right here.'' His voice was louder than he had intended it to be, but he truly didn't give a shit right now. He wanted Sander to know just how much he was getting on his nerves, and that he couldn't take any more of his bullshit behavior. It wasn't fair to either of them if it had to continue like this for the entire semester. 

He walked past him, ready to leave the school yard and head home, until he felt a hand wrapping itself around his wrist, pulling him back close to his previous position. Instead this time, he was standing way closer to Sander than he did before.

''No- _fuck._ Robbe, wait,'' Sander mumbled, his eyes suddenly looking a lot more defeated, as if he had dropped his guard and showed him what he really felt like. He looked extremely tired, exhausted to a point where Robbe thought he hadn't slept in days. ''I'm sorry, okay? I'm just... not really in the mood.''

Robbe raised his eyebrows, pressing both lips together. ''I figured.''

Sander's hand never let go of his wrist, as he pulled him towards him even closer. Robbe wasn't quite sure why he did it- whether it was because he wanted to make sure he wasn't leaving, whether it was because he wasn't even noticing his hand still being there, or whether it was because he just... did more things that never made any sense to him. Sander looked up at him standing next to him, his eyes big and wide, never having looked more vulnerable than they did right now. 

''I... I'm sorry about that text. I just don't know how to feel about all of this. With us.''

Ouch. That hurt. He literally just told him that he didn't know how to feel about this situation with them together as a pair, and despite the fact that Robbe felt the exact same and despite the fact he _understood_ why Sander felt this way, it still left a sting in his chest as he realized how much they could've prevented all of this from happening if they had just... communicated better. He just hated how he kept being reminded of their past every single time he saw him or was surrounded by his presence.

''No, it's... it's okay.'' He sighed, not feeling like going into it any further. It wouldn't make much of a difference anyway. Not when he knew Sander wasn't feeling well. ''I should be the one that's sorry.''

Sander stared down at the grass for a moment, immediately finding back his gaze as the last words left his lips. His eyes looked hopeful, maybe even a bit hurt, as Robbe's words seemed to penetrate inside his mind. Apparently, apologizing to him did something to him, it being more meaningful than Robbe thought it was. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to give _that_ conversation a try later on, in the end. But not right now. Not when he didn't feel like making Sander feel even worse than he already did. That was the least he could do, anyway.

He carefully liberated himself from Sander's grip, sitting himself down on the stone bench in front of him, feeling like sitting down next to him would've still been a bit too... close. Too close for whatever they were right now. He watched the blonde boy remain silent, as he played with his fingernails, his eyes never leaving the sight of the table that seperated them from one another. Now was the time. Now was the time he had to show him that he _wanted_ to listen to him, even if Sander felt like he didn't. ''Did something happen between you and Britt?''

The blonde looked up all confused, a frown having formed between his eyebrows. ''What? Why are you asking me that?''

Robbe bit down on his lip, moving his tongue past the inside of his cheek. ''I... might have accidentally overheard your conversation.''

''You weren't supposed to hear that.'' Sander replied, his voice immediately turning serious and defensive, his mood changing quicker than Robbe falling off of his skateboard every day. Which- was quite quick.

''I know. That's the point of accidentally overhearing something.'' The brunet said, rolling his eyes all annoyed as Sander obviously saw everything he always did as something he did with a bad intention. It still amazed him how, all of a sudden, within a week, the blonde had just decided for himself that Robbe wasn't right for him anymore, and that he couldn't do anything right for him either. To his own surprise, he glanced back at Sander, his defensive expression having changed into... what almost looked like a _happy_ one. Or at least, he could swear he saw him smiling at him, after letting out a soft snort. Robbe felt the corner of his mouth raise, as he didn't understand what the boy was laughing about, but felt intrigued by it nevertheless. ''What?''

''Nothing.'' Sander answered, avoiding his gaze. ''You're just... still such a smart-ass.''

''Guess I haven't changed that much, then.''

He found his eyes, staring into one another's as time ticked away in silence, a soft smile playing on both of their lips. ''No, you haven't.''

He didn't know what was happening, or why the vibe between them shifted like this all of a sudden. He didn't know why Sander was this complete asshole one minute and then suddenly changed into the soft guy Robbe had always known the next. All he knew was that it confused him, and that it made him feel this weird sense in his body as if something wasn't right. And it wasn't. Because even though he secretly loved to see this side of Sander, it still wasn't the same as it used to be all those years ago. And it probably never would be. Fuck, way to make yourself emotional on the spot, Ijzermans.

Robbe cleared his throat, releasing himself from Sander's gaze that somehow made him feel very uncomfortable. ''So... do you want to talk about it?''

''I honestly don't really feel like discussing my relationship with you, Ijzermans.''

Sander seemed to notice how harsh his reply had been right when the sentence fell down his lips, as he instantly locked eyes with him again, seemingly a little shocked by his own choice of words. Ironically enough, it didn't surprise Robbe as much as it surprised him. Of course it was painful- but he knew exactly why he said this; it wasn't a shock to him that the guy he hadn't spoken to for four years didn't feel like discussing his relationship with him. Robbe was just stupid enough to try anyway, hoping he'd be able to fix this situation somehow even though Sander most likely didn't even want to. Maybe Jens hadn't been right. Maybe Sander truly didn't want this, but he just didn't feel like spending time and effort into changing the whole situation. If the past four years had taught Robbe anything, it was the fact that Sander really didn't put any effort into things that mattered to him. Except for his art, that was.

''Okay.''

''Thanks for the offer, though.'' Sander quickly added, almost as if he tried reduce the harshness of the words he'd said to him. But Robbe was quite sure he didn't regret saying it.

''That's okay.''

His phone buzzed in his pocket, a message coming in and saving him from this dreading conversation, as he silently sent a little prayer to thank whoever had made this happen. It was like he could finally take a moment to breathe again, or let his heart recover from the past ten minutes he'd been spending with Sander. He quickly slipped his phone out, not wanting to waste another second and revealing the message that had secretly been his saving grace.

Or at least, he _thought_ it would save him.

He let out a soft sigh, moving his hand through his hair and pulling it over his forehead, wishing he could hide himself from everyone or disappear into the ground, feeling like he wanted to bury himself underneath the sheets of his bed right now instead of spending another minute right here with the guy who didn't even really want to have him around. Every time he thought his day couldn't possibly get any worse, something happened that proved him otherwise. 

''Are _you_ okay?'' Sander suddenly asked, clearly having noticed his sudden change of mood.

''Me?''

''No, my invisible friend sitting next to you.'' The blonde rolled his eyes, letting out a soft laugh. ''Yes, of course I mean you, smart-ass.''

Robbe chuckled, not being able to contain it, as Sander's cheeky remark actually made him feel like _wanting_ to laugh. And it wasn't just that. The fact Sander had just actually asked him how he was doing for the first time in four years made him feel happier than he dared to admit, even though it was probably the most normal thing in the world to most people. Except with Sander, none of those gestures were quite normal anymore. _Fuck,_ the way he had missed that feeling. ''Yeah, I'm fine... just, things at home.''

''How are things at home now?''

He suddenly realized he had obviously never told Sander about what happened to him during the past four years, either. Little did he know how much his life had changed.

''I- eh, I live on my own now, in a flatshare. My mom hasn't been doing very well the past few years.''

Sander's expression turned worried, his pupils widening as he seemed to realize just how bad the situation had been. Sometimes Robbe forgot just how close the two of them once were, not recalling the fact they had been like brothers at one point, pretty much being a part of each other's families. There was a reason why Robbe's mom still asked about Sander and why she never saw him anymore. ''What? What's wrong with her?''

''Let's just say her mental health has known better days.''

''Oh, fuck.'' The blonde let out a long exhale, shaking his head in disbelief, almost as if he had to get himself back together. ''I'm so sorry, Robbe. I- I didn't know that.''

''That's okay,'' Of course he didn't know. There was no way he could have. Or at least, not after things went the way they did. ''I guess you couldn't have.''

''I guess so.''

It stayed quiet for a little while, the wind blowing past them and mixing up the pages of Sander's book. The blonde didn't seem to notice at all, though, as all he focused himself on was Robbe.

''Would you... want to work on the project together tonight? To take your mind off of things.'' He asked, cautiously, almost as if he was afraid to do so. Maybe Robbe wasn't the only one who felt scared to talk to him at some moments. And he must've admitted- he hadn't expected Sander to offer him a meet up at his house or maybe even Robbe's flatshare only a few days after they had started talking again. He really didn't understand shit at this point, almost getting both a whiplash _and_ a heart attack from the mixed signals Sander kept giving him, but he did know he somehow felt like accepting the offer.

''You'd want that?''

The blonde nodded. ''Yeah, sure. It has to be done at some point.''

''I thought you didn't want to work on it in your free time.''

Sander looked up into his eyes, parting his lips, a twinkle rushing through his own as the corners of his mouth raised slowly. 

''I guess I can make exceptions.'' He said, almost whispering, a grin now being very present on his face. Robbe couldn't help but smile back at him, staring down at the hands on his lap as he felt his blood rushing towards his cheeks. He didn't know why it happened, or why he suddenly felt this shy around him. But he just couldn't help himself- he just made him feel that way for some reason. ''So, tonight at 20:00? Your place?''

''Sure.''

''Good, see you then.''

The boy closed his book, putting it back in his green shoulder bag and stood up to get ready to leave. He looked at Robbe one more time, the two boys granting each other a small, almost invisible smile.

''See you.''

**Thursday, 17:29**

****

****

****

**Thursday 19:54**

As Robbe sat down on his bed, his pencil in one hand, his notebook spread out on the blue sheets lying beneath him, he nervously looked at the clock, seeing time tick away and reaching the hour that he had been dreading for the entire evening. He didn't know how to feel about the fact that within a few minutes, Sander would stand on his doorstep, coming into his house and into his room, suddenly taking a step into his personal life after they hadn't reached that stage with each other for over four years. He didn't even understand why Sander had apparently changed his feelings towards him for a moment, wanting to work on the project at his house instead of never even wanting to work on it with him in the first place. Why did it change? Or maybe it hadn't ever changed at all, and Jens had been right all along? What if Sander wanted this more than he admitted, simply to grow closer to him again? There really was no way. And Robbe definitely didn't allow himself to hope for something as impossible as that. He figured he'd been hurt enough by Sander over the past few years, and there was no reason to make this even worse for himself. But maybe he was. Maybe he was making it all worse by accepting Sander's offer to work on the project with him at his home, simply because it gave him a feeling of safety- that recognizable, old feeling of wanting to be near him and be with him in the way they always did.

And when the doorbell finally rang, a few minutes before eight, Robbe couldn't help but feel anxiety rushing down his chest, making his heart beat faster than it had done in a long time. He crossed his fingers, hoping this would all be over quicker than expected, knowing this couldn't possibly go well with how things were between them right now. 

''I'll open it.'' He yelled, hoping to reach his housemates, not wanting them to see him or talk to him to prevent any type of uncomfortable conversation after he'd leave again. He had told them he'd come by, but he just didn't want to start anything that wasn't necessary, and he just knew his housemates would once they saw him. One of them, at least. He climbed off of his bed, pulling his door opened and walked to the front of the flat, his heart sinking into his feet as he saw it had already been opened by the one person he really didn't want to interfere. But of course Milan couldn't ever mind his own business.

''Oh, there he is. It took you some time.'' His housemate said, holding the door opened for the guy that came to visit him. 

Robbe groaned, rolling both eyes as he quickly walked himself to the door, taking it over from him. ''For fuck's sake, Milan, I told you _I'd_ open the door.''

The boy held up his hands all innocent, raising his eyebrows at Robbe's obvious annoyance. ''Calm down, Mister Impatient. I didn't know the handsome guy you mentioned would arrive this early.''

He wasn't being serious. Robbe had never told him Sander looked handsome- he had just described what he looked like when Milan had asked him to. If anyone thought the guy was good-looking, it was _him,_ knowing he fell for every single guy standing on this doorstep, anyway. But as the brunet looked at the doorframe and scanned the guy who filled it up, he couldn't help but stare at him for a few seconds, from up all the way down, just to take in his presence as he leaned against the side of the wall, both hands buried in his pockets, his blonde hair falling down on his forehead as his cheeks burned bright pink from the cold outside. Okay, he wasn't ugly. In fact, he was gorgeous. So yes, Milan had a point. But Robbe had never said it out loud himself, and he never would, either. Sander never had to know that he saw him in that way. It would probably only make this situation even worse.

''I- _Milan!''_

''Don't worry, I'm sure he doesn't mind, right, Sander?''

''Right.'' The blonde raised his eyebrows quickly, biting down on his lower lip to prevent the present smirk from growing even further.

Good to know he was clearly enjoying this. Robbe on the other hand, really wasn't. 

''So do you want something to drink? We have lots in the kitchen, I'll gladly show you.''

Robbe grabbed Milan by his arm, pulling him towards him as he granted him an angry look. ''No, you won't, because he's coming with _me.''_

''Oof, didn't know you were the possessive type, Robbe.''

The two boys immediately locked gazes, as silence fell for a few seconds, just taking the other in. Sander probably must've gotten such a different look on him now. _Fuck_.

''I am not possessive, but he's here to work on a project with me and not to have a drink in the kitchen with you.''

''Alright, have it your way,'' Milan sighed, taking a look at Sander from up all the way down, as he licked both lips and added: ''But you know where to find me.''

Robbe groaned again, feeling relief rushing through his body as he saw Milan leave for the kitchen. Sander finally walked himself in, his grin never having disappeared from his face, following Robbe's lead to his bedroom and closing the door behind the both of them as Robbe sat himself back down on his bed. He had never felt this embarrassed about his housemates before. Don't get him wrong, he loved Milan loads, but the guy just didn't know his boundaries at times. He already was so fucking nervous about Sander coming here, and Milan made it all even worse. He didn't even want to know how Sander felt about him _or_ his housemates right now.

''I'm sorry about... that.'' He mumbled, staring down at his lap while he uncomfortably scratched the back of his head.

''It's okay,'' Sander chuckled. ''He seems quite nice.''

''He is, but he's also quite... _present.''_

''I've noticed.'' The blonde answered, pressing his lips together. He took a look around the room, both hands still hidden in his pockets as he stood there with his leather jacket, licking his lips. His eyes focused themselves back on Robbe, scanning him as he sat there, small and vulnerable on his bed. He moved his tongue past the inside of his cheek, taking his bottom lip between his teeth. ''So, you called me handsome then?''

Well, for _fuck's_ sake.

Robbe immediately looked up at him, his eyes big and wide, this being the _exact_ type of conversation he had wanted to avoid. ''I- no, he- I didn't-''

''Relax, Robbe,'' The boy laughed out loud, clearly enjoying this entire situation a lot more than Robbe did, as he shook his head and sat himself down on his bed, the distance just big enough to keep the both of them comfortable. ''I'm just messing with you, no worries.'' 

And apparently he didn't just enjoy this situation a lot more, but he even felt more relaxed about all of this, too. _No worries?_ Worrying was the only thing Robbe had been doing ever since he left the school yard this afternoon. Worrying about how this would all go, worrying about what he'd think of his place, worrying about what he'd say to him to make the time pass without any big arguments- God, he even worried about how he looked before he arrived. And that said something, because Robbe never gave a shit about how he looked.

''So... you mentioned you found a movie, right?'' He asked, quickly changing the subject of the conversation.

Sander nodded, tugging at his leather jacket to take it off. ''Yeah, I did. Let me just grab my notebook.''

As the blonde reached out for his shoulder bag he'd put on Robbe's wooden floor, he heard Sander's phone buzzing in his pocket, instantly making him curious about who called him at this hour. Sander himself had noticed, too, as he slipped his phone out of his pocket and took a look at who tried to reach out to him right away. He sighed, clearly not caring about the person as he tossed it away into his bag and continued to browse through his notebook to find the page he was looking for. Robbe knew exactly who was trying to call him.

''You can take it if you want.'' He said quietly, watching the boy flipping through his pages. It was quite clear something was bothering him.

Sander shook his head, making his blonde hair fall down his forehead. He wiped it away with his hand, avoiding Robbe's gaze as he answered: ''No... I- it's Britt. And I don't really feel like talking to her.''

''Why not?''

He looked up through his long eyelashes, locking eyes with Robbe. He licked his lips, finally filling up the dreading silence. ''Because I'm busy.''

Busy with what? Finding the right page in his notebook? Sitting on Robbe's bed? Ignoring a phone call he really didn't feel like taking? He was quite sure that being here with Robbe wasn't more important than saving his relationship, anyway.

''I'm sure the project isn't more important than her.'' He added, trying to avoid this situation from getting even more awkward. ''You're still fighting, aren't you?''

Sander looked up at him, his eyes flashing with hurt as he seemed to remember the conversation him and his girlfriend had this afternoon. Shit, Robbe really wasn't this making any easier for him. Maybe he hadn't just come here to take Robbe's mind of things, but also his own- trying to find a distraction from his own thoughts and worries as the project might've been the only other thing that kept him busy.

''Sorry, I didn't mean to interfere aga-''

''No, it's okay,'' Sander interrupted, sighing in despair as he hid his face in his big hands. Robbe couldn't help but stare at the veins that popped up, all the way down to his elbows. ''We are. And I just don't feel like talking to her about it anymore.''

He didn't feel like talking to _her_ about it. But maybe this meant he finally did feel like opening up about it to Robbe. He could try, at least. He still wanted to prove to him that he genuinely wanted to listen. He had always wanted to.

''Do you want to tell me what it was about?''

''You overheard, didn't you?''

''Yes, bits and pieces. But I'd rather hear the actual story from you.''

The two boys locked eyes, the distance between them suddenly being a bit smaller than Robbe had expected. It was like looking into his eyes took away any sign of oxygen that was still left between them- as if he lost control over his own breathing and his body, his knees turning fragile underneath the spell of his gaze. Fuck, he truly was still so weak for him even though he didn't want to be.

Sander parted his lips, their staring contest never ending, almost as if he wanted to try and read his mind and find out if he was actually serious about wanting to know this about him, as he finally said: ''It's just... I want to go study art next year, but she doesn't want me to. She thinks it won't be good for my future, and that my art isn't original enough to make a life out of.''

''Well, she's clearly wrong. It doesn't matter how much money you earn, as long as it makes you happy.'' Robbe scoffed, instantly feeling irritated again as he remembered the words Britt had said to him earlier this day. She really had no clue just how talented Sander was, and she also had no idea just how important art had always been to him. ''And next to that, I've seen some of your pieces, and they're really good.''

The blonde's eyes widened. ''You _have?''_

''Yeah,'' Maybe he shouldn't have said that. Maybe the vibe between them was still too painful to open up about something like that. But maybe it was a good step to show Sander he still cared about him, and that he most definitely hadn't forgotten about him the way he probably always thought he did. ''I... I check your Instagram sometimes. For- for your art, I mean. I hope that's not weird.''

Sander stayed quiet for a little while, as if he let Robbe's words sink in, not believing he actually said them quite yet.

''It's not, I just didn't think you did.''

''Well, I do, because it's fantastic, and I definitely think it's something you should continue with if it's what makes you happy. I know how much it always meant to you, so I think it'd be such a waste if you'd throw that all away without improving the talent you clearly have.''

Their eyes twinkled as they met, almost as if the past four years disappeared for a moment, that recognizable feeling of safety and trust suddenly finding its way back to them just like it always did when they had conversations like these together in Robbe's room. And maybe for a moment, it did.

''Thank you for saying that.'' Sander replied quietly, his voice hoarse, eyes still twinkling bright.

''Yeah, no worries.''

They smiled softly before they both went back to mind their own business- Sander still trying to find the right page in his notebook, whereas Robbe started up his laptop to open up their document. As he looked up from his screen, finding Sander sitting there on his bed with his legs crossed, covered by a sweater that was a bit too big even for him, his cheeks still bright pink from the cold outside, he couldn't help but wonder how Britt could treat him the way she did, wanting other stuff for him other than the things that made him the happiest. He always enjoyed seeing Sander talk about his passions for hours _so_ incredibly much, knowing how cheerful it made him and how lucky he felt to be there in his presence and got to see just how gorgeous happiness looked on him. And right here, right now, he didn't see that. He hadn't seen that side of Sander in a very long time. Not even when he passed him in the hallways. He had always thought Sander had changed- that he had turned into his asshole that was so incredibly full of himself and didn't give a shit about others anymore. But maybe that had never been the case. Maybe it had never been his own fault. Maybe hanging out and being surrounded by the wrong people who didn't see him the same way Robbe did had made him this way, this person who Robbe didn't recognize, this person who maybe, Sander didn't even want to be himself.

''Sander?''

''Hm?''

''If she doesn't make you happy, then why don't you just break up with her?''

''I don't know.'' Sander shrugged, laying down his notebook next to his lap, finally having found the page he had been looking for. He fiddled around with his fingers, taking the edges of his sleeves within his palms. ''I guess I'm just afraid to loose someone I'm close to once again.''

As their eyes met, Robbe knew exactly what he meant. _Who_ he meant. And it made sense. Maybe the person who had started all of this, who made Sander change the way he did and turn him into this person he didn't recognize, had always been Robbe himself for letting go of him and refusing to fight for him because he was too afraid to do so. He was actually such a fucking pussy. For letting go of him, for not fighting for him, for blaming himself without ever asking what he had done, but mostly for always blaming Sander for something he didn't even know the reason of. 

''Anyway,'' Sander said, seemingly noticing the change of mood and clearly wanting to avoid any kind of argument the same way Robbe did. He had never been more thankful for having him do that than he did right now. Because the worst part was, he still didn't feel ready to talk all of this through. Not yet. And maybe that was the exact thing he hated himself for the most. ''How's your mom doing? Is she okay?''

Robbe's felt his heart swell, because _of course_ Sander asked. _Of course_ he cared about her. He had always cared for his mom as if she was his own, giving her hugs when he arrived at his house and another one when he'd leave. Giving her a thoughtful present on her birthday and complimenting her when she wore a new dress she was secretly very insecure about. It was no surprise she still asked Robbe about him almost every single day, mostly because he had never told her the truth. He had always been way too afraid to tell her how things between them were right now, mostly because he still didn't want to give into it himself. God, how much he wished he could turn back time and make this all right.

Knowing that he couldn't, he decided to let it go, and shrugged to Sander's question. ''I suppose. She's doing better than before, but she's just been quite unstable.''

The blonde nodded slowly, scanning Robbe's face. ''Do you visit her often?''

''Once a week, at least. I go twice if school allows me to.''

Sander smiled, seemingly wanting to reach out his hand towards his, but quickly restoring himself as he seemed to remember that they... didn't _do_ that type of thing. Not anymore, at least. Not when they felt the way they did about each other. He cleared his throat, uncomfortably shifting on his sheets as he continued: ''I'm sure she appreciates that a lot.''

''She does,'' Robbe said, taking a look at Sander's hand that just tried to reach out to his, suddenly feeling a bit more nostaglic than he was supposed to feel. ''She, eh... she still asks about you at times.''

The boy widened his eyes, raising both eyebrows, clearly not having expected the way him and his mom still talked about him. ''Does she?''

''Yeah. She says she misses seeing you around.''

''That's... sweet.'' He smiled softly, taking his sleeves back into his palms and biting down on his lower lip to prevent his smile from growing any further.

''I do too, you know.''

Fuck. He didn't actually say that. But he wanted to. He felt like wanting to. Even though he hated him. Because maybe he didn't hate him. Maybe he just missed him all this time and blamed him for making him feel that way.

Sander's lips parted, the surprised look growing even bigger, as he swallowed hard and blinked his eyes rapidly. ''What?''

''I-''

But before Robbe could answer, even though he didn't know what to say, having thousands of sentences and questions flowing through his mind at the same time, Milan's voice echoed itself throughout the flatshare, reaching the two boys who had suddenly grown closer than the both of them had expected them to.

''Robbe, can you come help me for a sec? I dropped red wine all over the kitchen floor, for fuck's sake.'' 

The two boys stared at each other, taken out of their moment completely, as Sander cleared his throat and said: ''I, eh... I have to go, anyway. It's fine.''

Robbe frowned. ''You have to go?''

''Yeah, I- I remembered I still need to finish an assignment before tomorrow.''

The blonde stood up, grabbing his leather jacket from the floor and quite literally threw it on, his shoulder bag joining only a few seconds after.

''But, it's the first week, we don't even have any assignm-'' Robbe stopped himself from talking as Sander pulled the door opened and found his way outside, knowing he clearly didn't even want to hear anything he said anymore, obviously wanting to leave his house as soon as he possibly could. And who could blame him? Robbe had just made him the most uncomfortable he possibly could have, so having him act this way really was his own stupid fault. He was such a fucking dumbass for telling him he missed him, even though the guy hated his guts. He really had no idea to fix this situation or to handle his relationship with Sander at all. Not that there even was one to begin with.

As he sighed, he looked back down at his bed, seeing Sander's notebook still lying on the sheets in front of him. ''Sander, you forgot your boo-''

A loud bang echoed throughout the house as the front door fell shut, the blonde clearly already having left and found his way outside. He grabbed the notebook from its place, laying it down on his lap as he read what was written on the page Sander had been looking for all this time. He listed a full page of movies, old ones, new ones, ones Robbe had heard him talk about before, ones Robbe didn't even know existed. And then, his eyes fell on the one movie he'd chosen, the one he'd encircled with a red marker, the movie Robbe knew so well simply because they had watched it together a million times. _When Harry met Sally._

**Friday, 09:59**

Last night's events kept rushing through Robbe's head as he walked himself through the school hallways, knowing exactly which direction he was headed into. Or more likely, _who's_ direction. He had no idea how to feel about everything that had happened, everything that had been said, and everything that had been done. He was probably being way too dramatic about it, but he just couldn't shake the strange feeling he had ever since Sander had left his bedroom. How did the vibe around them suddenly change that much within a day? How did they go from hating each other to suddenly giving each other relationship advice and Robbe admitting that he missed him? Fuck, he really had ruined this in the worst way possible. Of course Sander ran away. He probably didn't even want to hear him say that, knowing it was still way too painful and maybe even all Robbe's fault. He still hadn't asked him. He knew he had to, but he just couldn't. Not right now. Not when there was another question he had to ask first. Why did he choose _this_ specific movie? Not only was it one they used to watch together almost every single week, but it was also quite the personal choice for another reason. The entire storyline seemed to fit _theirs,_ as they maybe even were each other's worst enemies right now, yet couldn't let go of one another for some reason the both of them didn't want to admit. And Robbe finally knew. He was sure Sander _wanted_ to work with him, and he was sure he felt the exact same way. 

As he finally arrived at Sander's locker, he came to a halt next to him, observing him organizing his stuff and not paying attention tot him walking up to him. ''Hey, can I ask you something about the project?''

The boy didn't even flinch, he just stood there, minding his own business and contuining to rumble through the stuff in his locker that apparently was way more interesting than he was. 

''Sander?''

He finally looked up, his eyes displeased and his voice aggrieved, as he asked: ''What?''

''Okay, either you're deaf or you just don't want to talk to me,'' Robbe scoffed, shaking his head. There it was again. The change of attitude he really was so fucking done with. ''I suppose it's the second one.''

He turned himself around, ready to walk away and just let it pass, knowing he probably thought more of the situation than there was to think anyway, before he felt Sander's hand wrapping itself around his wrist and pulling him back to his previous place.

''No, fuck- _wait,''_ He said, turning him back around and finding his eyes. ''It's not you. I'm just... frustrated.''

''By what?''

''Not by what.'' He raised his eyebrows, letting out a big sigh. He titled his head, looking through the crowd of people and nudged Robbe's shoulder to silently tell him to follow his gaze. ''By who.''

As soon as Robbe followed his lead, his eyes found Britt, the reveal not surprising him at all. Maybe she was the ''assignment'' he had mentioned last night. Or at least, it wouldn't have shocked him if he had gone back to her after what had happened between them. She now was supposed to be his safe place after all. Not him. ''What's up with her? Did you two talk?''

''I tried to break up with her.''

He raised his eyebrows, widening his eyes. Now _that_ surprised him. ''You _did?''_

Sander nodded. ''Yeah, I figured that what you said made sense. She doesn't make me happy, so there's no reason to keep it going.''

Wow. Out of everything, Robbe really hadn't expected Sander to actually listen to the words he had said to him. He thought he probably never would, knowing how much he hated his guts and how anything he ever said or did could never be right. But apparently, that had changed last night. Miracles did exist.

''Well, that's good. I'm glad you guys settled thi-''

''I _tried,_ Robbe. I didn't say I succeeded.''

The brunet frowned, truly not understanding a single thing about this situation. ''I'm not following.''

''I tried to call it quits, but she didn't let me. She said it was just another of my crazy thoughts.''

Wait, what the _fuck?_ Crazy thoughts? Not only was she telling him off about his passions and pretty much demanding him to do what she wanted, but she was calling him crazy now, too? Jesus, if Robbe would walk into another conversation where she offended Sander like this, he probably wouldn't be able to hold himself back from interfering and giving her a taste of her own medicine. He might've despised Sander the way he did - even though, maybe he didn't as much as he thought - but this truly went way too far.

 _''Crazy thoughts?_ What does she even mean by that?''

Sander sighed, shrugging his shoulders barely visible. ''I don't know.''

As Robbe watched him, his eyes looking more defeated than they'd ever done, he suddenly realized that _this_ was the moment to show him. To show him that he still cared, that he still wanted to listen, and most of all, that he still wanted to help him whenever he thought nobody else did. Robbe would. He wasn't gonna let him fix this on his own, and he surely wasn't gonna let Britt ruin him even more than she'd already done.

''So what now?''

''I honestly don't have a fucking clue. She's never gonna let me go until she realizes I'm serious about it.''

''And how would she realize you mean this seriously?''

''Pfff, I- I don't know. Switching classes, leaving this fucking school...''

Robbe frowned, nudging his shoulder. ''Come on, there has to be something a little less dramatic to make this work.''

''Well, what do you insist then? She's never gonna let this go.''

And that's when Robbe suddenly remembered something. _There was always a way out. Even if life made it seem like there wasn't._

''What if she had to?''

Sander moved his head back, clearly not following him or his thoughts. ''What?''

Robbe clicked his tongue, feeling a grin appear on his lips as he suddenly realized the perfect plan to make this all work out the way Sander needed it to. It truly was so simple. Of course she'd finally realize he was being serious when she saw him doing the things she used to do with him with someone else. That's when she'd realize how much she had fucked this all up. ''What if she had to let you go, because you moved on with somebody else?''

The blonde scoffed, looking down at his feet. ''There's nobody else who wants to be with me.''

''What about Noor?''

Sander shook his head. ''Noor is into girls, Robbe. And there's no way she's gonna want to fake being with me just to make a point- Britt is her best friend.''

Robbe threw his hands into the air, not knowing who else to pick, knowing that Sander was right- he didn't have many people surrounding him, and he hadn't ever felt more bad about that being the case than he did right now. ''Someone else then?''

''There is no one else, Robbe. I don't have that many friends. Let alone ones who'd help me with this.'' Sander sighed, turning back towards his locker and contuining to organize his stuff, as Robbe looked around the hallway, trying to find a solution as the words Jens said kept replaying in his mind. _There is always a way out. If he actually wanted this, he'd try much more to get his way._

And that's when he knew.

''I guess we can figure that one out.'' He said, feeling nerves rush through his body, knowing that what he decided on was a big risk, but being sure about taking it at the exact same time. He knew he had to help Sander with this, and he knew he wanted to fix their relationship with everything he had. Maybe this was a step into the right direction. Maybe it wasn't. But at least, he was sure it was gonna help Sander get out of this messed up situation anyway.

He straightened his back, taking in a deep breath and keeping his eyes focused on Britt, as he said: ''I'm gonna try something, and I need you to work with me, alright?''

Robbe grabbed Sander by his arm, turning him away from his locker and making him face him, as he took a step forward, closing the remaining gap between them.

''What are you-'' Sander started, getting interrupted by Robbe's hand covering his lips.

''Shut up.''

He took his hand away, moving both hands to his cheeks and standing on his tiptoes, as he took a look at Britt one more time to make sure she was watching. And when he knew, locking eyes with her and seeing her turn confused as she saw what was happening, he smiled as he knew it already worked. He instantly moved forward, feeling his heart sinking down into his feet as he was about to do something he'd been wanting to do for years even though he knew it wasn't meant in that way, ignoring the sudden rush of doubt he felt in his chest and the questionable look Sander was giving him, as he finally, convincingly crashed his lips against his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! i'm back with chapter two. :')
> 
> first of all, i want to thank you for all of the sweet messages you left me on the first one. it blew my mind away how positive you all were and how well received the story was with just one chapter. thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. i never expected this and i'm just so happy about it!! thank you <3
> 
> now, as for chapter two... hehe. you're in for a very crazy ride, starting now. :') i hope you liked this chapter and that it lived up to your expectations. please let me know what you thought of it, i really mean it when i say your comments keep me motivated to write this. it means the entire world to get feedback on my writing, especially because i spend hours on getting it right for all of you! <3 leave a message here or on my tumblr (sobbefairytales) and i'll definitely reply to you!! thank you so much to the ones who left a comment on the previous one and to everyone who has read it in the first place. i love you lots. <3
> 
> x, a.


	3. Chapter 3

**Friday, 10:04**

What the _fuck_ was Robbe doing?

He truly didn't know. He wasn't even able to think straight, his lips currently brushing past Sander's, completely putting his thoughts on silent. Time seemed to stop when his lips met his, igniting a fire in his chest he hadn't felt since the last time Sander's hands had touched his, back on his 14th birthday when he enclosed the guardian angel necklace around his neck, his fingertips brushing past his skin. He swore he felt Sander's lips on his neck back then too, but he had never dared to ask, too afraid he'd mess things up or lose him because he thought Robbe had gone crazy. How ironic that was right now.

Yet here, in this moment, feeling Sander soft against his mouth, slowly but surely feeling his fingers curling themselves around his sides, he suddenly remembered just how much he had always wanted this, how much he'd always dreamt for this moment to happen. 

And Robbe couldn't help but get lost into him for a second, as their lips met, barely moving from shock, the feeling of his touch destabilizing him and making his entire body tingle. He had his hands still firmly cupped around his cheeks, pushing their faces together, feeling his fingertips brush past Sander's blonde hair, the taste of jasmine and peppermint rushing over him as Sander's warm mouth dissolved into his. The both of them took in a deep breath, while he felt Sander's fingers hold his body a bit shakingly, as if he was taken off guard completely, not being sure what to do. And of course he didn't. 

Robbe knew none of this was real. He knew Sander probably didn't even know why he was doing this in the first place. Maybe he didn't even want him to do this, but was too scared to push him away. Sander disliked him more than anyone else, this was probably the last thing he wanted or expected him to do. He must've thought it was desperate, too much, feeling uncomfortable from the fact Robbe would do _this_ much to try and get their friendship back. He had pushed him away for the past four years, yet, here Robbe was, pulling them back together by a gesture Sander most likely had never even imagined him to do. He was literally kissing the guy that hated him the most and he truly was so fucking stupid for doing so.

And that's when he suddenly came back to reality, realizing what exactly it was he was doing.

Shit. _He was kissing Sander._

He instantly pulled back, releasing his lips from his, wiping the sleeve of his brown jacket past his mouth to try and remove Sander's touch from his body. Where he was so sure of helping him and thinking this was the best idea ever a few seconds ago, he suddenly couldn't hate himself more for even thinking of this in the first place right now. He didn't want this. He didn't want to give Sander a reason to get back into his head and mess him up again. He had gotten over him, their friendship was done. He couldn't get into this again, into _him_ again.

But _fuck,_ it already was too late. Sander had crippled back underneath his skin and into his thoughts, reminding him of how much he'd actually missed him, of how much he'd once wanted him- all it took being the simple touch of his lips on his and his hands carefully, shakingly wrapping themselves around his sides. And this wasn't the first time. Sander had already crawled his way back into his heart the minute he stepped inside the classroom a few days ago. 

He looked up, finding the boy's eyes, wider than he'd expected them to be. Sander had his mouth dropped opened as he stood there with his hands still shaped like Robbe's sides, completely frozen, taken off guard by what had just happened.

''What... was that?'' He asked, never closing his mouth, just staring at Robbe as if he saw water burning.

Robbe looked past him, watching Britt walk away with very clear disgust and disappointment covering her face, as he realized it had _worked,_ and that that was all that mattered right now. He didn't want to go further into this, or make this a bigger deal than it already was. Because Sander didn't have to know how much of a big deal this actually was to him.

He sighed, trying to focus his eyes on anything else but Sander, looking for a way out as he desperately searched the tiled floor beneath them, figuring out how to get away from all of this. But he didn't know how. He didn't just feel Sander's gaze burning onto him, yet, the entire school hallway was together with him.

''Robbe?'' Sander's hand reached out for his arm, but just before he could grab it, Robbe took a step back, bringing back control over his own body. He stared up at the blonde, instantly regretting his choice and wanting to take it all back, knowing just how hard he'd fallen for him once again. But there might not even have been a way back. People had _seen_ them. And the decision of wanting to help him get rid of Britt still hadn't changed. He just wished he had thought about all of this more, realizing what it would all cause once he'd go along with it, mostly for himself.

And the worst thing was, Sander probably hated his guts even more now for doing something like this, publicly, unexpectedly, without asking him for his permission first. _Shit._

''I... I have to go.''

As he walked past him, shoving his arm against him without intending to do so, he could feel Sander's fingertips brush his hands, wanting to grab onto it and hold him back, but being just too late to do so.

''Robbe!''

But Sander couldn't stop him. He didn't want to hear what he was going to say, he didn't want to hear what he thought about it. He knew it would probably just make this entire situation even worse. He had fucked up his chance to help him and show him he really wanted to, by crossing the line _way_ too far. Not just for Sander, but also for himself. And all he really wanted to do now, the only thing that felt right in this moment, was to walk away and try to forget all of this ever happened.

**Friday, 10:21**

**Saturday, 20:32**

Robbe didn't really know how his life had suddenly become the rollercoaster it was right now. The minute he'd kissed Sander, he thought he had fucked it all up, ruining his chance to show him he wanted their friendship back, running away from him to prevent all of it from getting even worse, pretty much expecting him to get all angry at him in the midst of the school hallway for doing something he had never even given him permission for. But then... he _didn't._ He texted him, and against all of Robbe's expectations... Sander _didn't_ mind. In fact, he had said it wasn't a problem, that he wanted to go on with this, and that he even wanted to come over to his house to practise having a relationship with him just to be sure it would be believable enough to prove his ex-girlfriend a point. Robbe was completely mind-blown, unsure of why Sander, the guy who despised him so much, wanted to go on with this plan and fake date him just to get himself out of his own misery. Robbe knew he was probably just using him, seeing him as a pawn to get out of his own messed up situation, yet, for Robbe, it felt like he had created another one for himself. He wanted to help Sander. He wanted to show him he still cared for him in a way. But as for Sander himself, he probably didn't even see it like that. None of this felt the same for him as it did for Robbe. Which, wasn't that much of a surprise. Sander hated his guts, and then again, he had never felt for Robbe the way Robbe had once felt for him.

But there was no way back now. They had kissed. They had agreed on this becoming a ''thing'', a way to help Sander out of his toxic relationship. And as much as Robbe still regretted his choice and wished he could take it back and solve it in another, less dramatic way... he was _still_ going along with it. Because no matter how much this all sucked, and no matter how different Sander felt about all of this... Robbe couldn't help but _want_ this, secretly hoping that maybe, just maybe, it'd have the outcome he had intended it to have. 

The doorbell rang, taking him out of his thoughts, remembering he had to be quick if he wanted to be the one to open the door first. He hopped off of his bed, running towards the front door as he almost tripped over his own feet, turning the door knob and pulling it opened to finally see the face of the one guy who was on this rollercoaster together with him.

''Hi.'' Robbe said, his voice hoarse and small, this all suddenly feeling very real as he realized what he was about to do in a few minutes together with the guy standing in front of him right now. He wore his beige sweater, his famous leather jacket covering it, as his dark skinny jeans were tucked into the combat boots he never seemed to take off. His hair was messy, showing the brown roots underneath as it moved into all directions. His cheeks and lips were red and puffy from the cold outside, the veins in his hand big and visible as he moved a hand past his chin. Fuck. He looked so incredibly _gorgeous_ that Robbe wasn't able to take his gaze away.

Meanwhile, Robbe looked as terrible as ever, standing there in his oversized joggers with his messy, long curly locks falling down his forehead, suddenly wishing he'd spent more time on trying to look better before the boy had arrived.

Sander shuffled on his feet, putting his hands in his pockets, as he observed him from up all the way down, biting down on his lower lip. ''Hey.''

''You, eh... you can come in.''

''Right.'' The boy stepped over the threshold, walking his way inside, as he looked around a little bit, taking the flatshare in. Stepping past him, Robbe shivered as he could smell his perfume, brutal, yet fresh and floral, incredibly familiar as it was still the same one he used to wear back when they last hung out together all those years ago. ''Should we just... go to your room?''

Robbe nodded, his heart skipping a beat as he knew exactly what was about to happen _in his room_. God, all of this truly was so weird. But somehow, exciting at the same time. Shit, _no,_ come on, Robbe. You _don't_ like this guy. You're just helping him to get rid of his toxic relationship and that's it, then you're back to hating his guts. ''Yeah, I guess that works.''

''Oh, look who we have here,'' Against Robbe's hopes, Milan popped his head out of the kitchen, his eyes instantly finding Sander's. The smile on his face couldn't be missed, as he licked his lips and crossed his arms, coming to a halt right in front of him. ''Are you here to work on your project again?''

The boys crossed eyes, the silence speaking louder than words. Well, you could definitely call it _a project,_ to say the least. Sander cleared his throat, as he mumbled: ''Eh, yeah, something like that.''

''So mysterious, I like that.'' Milan smirked, nudging the boy's shoulder. ''Well, you know where to find me.''

''Milan...''

''I'm just kidding.'' He moved a hand through Robbe's curls, winking at Sander as he added a last _''good luck''_ before turning around and heading back towards the kitchen. 

Robbe groaned, trying to fix his hair as much as he could, as he guided Sander with him to his room, closing the door shut and resting his forehead against it. He sighed, turning around and leaning against the wall with both hands hidden behind his back, facing Sander as the boy watched him through his eyelashes, a smirk still very present on his face. Good to know he was clearly still enjoying this more than he did.

''I'm sorry, Milan really doesn't know his boundaries.''

Sander snorted. ''It's okay, it's quite funny, actually.''

No, it wasn't. None of this was funny. This entire situation already made him more nervous than anything else ever did, and Milan flirting with him and making this whole thing even more uncomfortable than it already was really didn't change it for the better. He didn't even know him. He had no idea who Sander was, so why was he practically undressing him with his eyes every time he stepped over the threshold when he didn't even know anything about him?

''What? That he's flirting with you the second you step inside the house?''

The blonde raised his eyebrows, observing him standing against his door with a questionable look covering his face. ''You're not jealous, are you?''

 _Jealous?_ Of _what?_ Of Milan trying to get into his pants without succeeding? Of Sander enjoying the fact he flirted with him because he knew he wasn't interested anyway? Pff, of course he wasn't jealous. As if. He didn't even have anything to be jealous of in the first place. He might've liked him years ago, but that was different now. He had moved on, gotten over him. There were zero feelings attached right now. Or at least, that's what Robbe kept telling himself.

He rolled his eyes, grabbing the nearest sweater and threw it towards him. ''Shut up.''

Sander giggled, catching the sweater with his hands and preventing it from hitting him in the face, as he stared down at it in his hands, observing it a little longer than Robbe had expected him to. He laid it down on his desk, tugging at the ends of his leather jacket to take it off and cover Robbe's sweater with it. He slowly walked up to his bed, sitting himself down on the blue sheets, as he intertwined his fingers together and rested his arms on his knees, finally glancing up at Robbe, still safely standing against the door.

''So.'' Robbe said, breaking the dreadful silence in the room.

Sander nodded. ''So.''

''Now what do we do?''

''You're really sure you want this?''

The brunet scoffed. Of course he wasn't sure. He still regretted kissing him the way that he did, but he also knew he couldn't take it back anymore. And in the end, he just wanted to help him out, so if this was the only way, it was a risk he was willing to take. But it didn't mean he was sure of it. Considering the circumstances, he figured it'd be quite strange if he would be. ''I mean... no. Are you?''

Sander shook his head, staring down at his intertwined hands. ''No.''

''But I do know I want to help you. What Britt is doing to you really isn't okay.'' Robbe continued, pushing himself away from the door, placing himself against his closet right in front of Sander instead. He put his feet on top of each other, as he shrugged and added: ''And I guess there's no way back now.''

''I mean... she did already see us. And she wasn't the only one.''

''Then... I guess we're doing this.''

The blonde looked up into his eyes, his tongue moving past his lower lip, letting silence fall for a few seconds as he finally said: ''We are.''

While they kept staring at each other, Robbe couldn't help but laugh, hiding his face underneath his hands. He let out a soft groan, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn't believe they actually just agreed on pretending they were in a relationship together. _Them._ Robbe and Sander. The guys who had once been so close and couldn't be more distanced from one another now. It really was the worst idea he'd ever come up with, but they both knew there was no way back anymore. ''This is absolutely insane.''

Sander scoffed, resting one hand on his knee as he moved the other past his chin. ''Yeah, I can't really believe we're doing this, either.''

There was one thing Robbe needed to know for sure, though. Because even if they did this together, and even if they tried hard to get Sander out of this messed up situation, he wanted to know that it just wasn't gonna create another one between the two of them. He needed things to be clear and outspoken: they needed rules and agreements to make sure none of this would cause anything even worse than the situation they were already trying to fix. They needed to see eye to eye about the fact that all of this was an _act-_ a fake bond between them that they only showed in front of other people to make Britt believe Sander wasn't crazy. That was all, no strings attached, no feelings involved. All he wanted, was for Sander to get out of this and for him to realize that Robbe did still want to get their friendship back. 

''For the record... we still don't like each other, right?''

The boy hummed in approval. ''We don't.'' 

''And this is just for the time being, until she understands?''

''Just until she gets it and then it's done.''

''Then we're back to...'' To what, exactly? Robbe didn't really know. They weren't friends. They weren't even acquaintances. They just were... two guys who'd rather stay away from each other but were brought together by faith, for some odd reason. A faith that apparently hated both their guts so much that it even made this right here happen. Or maybe Robbe just told that to himself to make himself feel better about all of this he had literally caused on his own. All he wished to get out of this, was for Sander to realize Robbe had never meant for their friendship to end the way it did, and that maybe, just maybe, they'd end up hating each other a little less than they did. ''Being project partners.''

Well, at least he wasn't lying.

''Right. Nothing more.''

''Exactly.''

Robbe bit on the inside of his cheek, shifting his feet on top of each other. ''So now what?''

Sander shrugged. ''Should we... try some things out? See what works?''

Oh, God. Here they went. Robbe could feel his heart sinking down into his feet. He couldn't believe this was happening, he couldn't believe they were about to practice... _couple_ _things_ together just to make his girlfriend believe they were an actual thing. It sounded absolutely ridiculous, but he figured it was the only thing that was gonna make all of this work. They did need some practice if they wanted to make this thing between them look even slightly convincing. 

''Okay.'' Robbe said, swallowing hard.

The blonde snorted, watching the boy still standing against his closet looking like a lost child, maintaining that safe distance between the two of them that clearly wasn't gonna make this situation flow for the better. He frowned, as he said: ''Maybe you should start with sitting down next to me? I promise I don't bite.''

Of course he didn't. It wasn't like he didn't know what it felt like to be close to him. In fact, there had been times where they had been closer than most guys their age were with their friends. They just never made a big deal out of it. It wasn't until now that Robbe started to realize that maybe it wasn't as usual as they always thought it was. And it definitely wasn't as easy as it was back then anymore, either.

''I know.'' He stepped forward slowly but surely, shuffling towards the bed on his yellow socks, keeping his hands tied together closely against his body. He carefully sat down next to Sander, moving around on the sheets for a bit to make himself feel comfortable. If that was even possible, that was.

Sander smiled softly, looking at his hands on his lap, observing the way he sat next to him. ''Hi there.''

''Hi,'' Robbe looked up into his eyes, finding the familiar green ones that once used to make him feel so safe. He bit on his lower lip, being able to hear his own heartbeat out of nervousness at this point. He didn't really know what caused it- whether it was Sander sitting this close to him, or him just not being used to having him near him anymore, or just the fact that he was... _Sander._ He squinted his eyes as they just continued to watch each other, the silence becoming a bit too dreadful for his liking. He sighed, desperately fisting the sheets next to his legs. ''God, this is so weird.''

''What, sitting next to me?'' Sander moved his head back, parting his lips as he watched Robbe through his long eyelashes. The corners of his mouth raised slowly, as he moved his tongue past the edge of his revealed bottom lip. ''You know, this thing is gonna take quite some more effort than just this.''

Robbe nodded, quickly taking his gaze off of Sander's face as that... _thing_ he did with his lips became a bit too... captivating. Or something. ''I know.''

''We can always stop, okay?'' Sander moved a bit closer, making his knee touch his. God, Robbe didn't remember that feeling to be this nerve-wrecking. The boy nudged it a bit, silently telling him to look back up at him. And he did, immediately taken off guard by his eyes once again. Shit. He just couldn't _freaking_ look away. ''Just tell me when it gets too much.''

His mouth turned dry, losing his ability to speak for a second. It already was too much. Being around him was, sitting this close to him was, feeling his knee against his was. This entire _fucking_ thing was. But he just... wasn't able to say it out loud.

''Okay.''

Sander broke their eye contact, as he glanced down at Robbe's hands still lying down on his lap, suddenly reaching out one of his own to carefully cover Robbe's with his. He enclosed his long fingers around his hands, grabbing ahold of them, gradually making them part from each other. He slowly moved their hands onto his knee, as he brushed his thumb past Robbe's palm, never looking back up as he studied his own movements all concentrated as if he was painting a new creation he didn't want to risk messing up. The room was quiet, yet, it was the loudest silence Robbe had ever experienced. He just couldn't stop staring at their intertwined fingers, the veins on Sander's hand looking more beautiful than they'd ever done. Fuck, the way he'd missed this feeling.

''Is this okay?'' The blonde asked, his voice hoarse and low, making him shiver.

Robbe felt like he was about to have a heart attack. But he couldn't stop him. Maybe, he didn't even want him to. ''Hm-m.''

Suddenly, when Robbe hadn't even gotten used to the touch of his hand on his quite yet, the boy turned himself around to face him just a little more, lifting up his other, free hand and reaching out towards his face. Robbe blinked rapidly, being shaken by the sudden movement, not being able to move or function as the blonde moved his index finger past the curly strand that fell down on his forehead, tugging it behind his ear as he now moved his entire hand through his locks, brushing his hair backwards in the most tender motions Robbe had ever felt. Fuck, this was weird. But it also wasn't. Sander used to play with his hair all the time. But somehow, this felt different. This _was_ different. 

''And this?''

The brunet nodded, swallowing his nerves. ''Yeah.''

Sander's eyes scanned his own, first the left, then the right, before they moved themselves to his lips, making Robbe's heart skip a beat. He parted his own, wetting them with his tongue and keeping the bottom one locked between his teeth. ''Can I... should I, you know. Kiss you?''

''You can try.''

And on that note, the blonde moved himself forward, leaning in as the hand tucked into his hair now cupped his face, filling up the empty gap between them to reach out for his touch.

But just before he could, Robbe shook his head quickly, pressing both hands against Sander's chest as he pushed him away with shaking palms, standing up from the bed and walking himself back to the closet, a safer place, leaning his hand onto it to keep himself steady from the feelings that suddenly overwhelmed him altogether. ''Fuck, _stop.''_

''What's wrong?''

Robbe groaned, not knowing how to explain. What _wasn't_ wrong? Wasn't all of this just terribly insane? Wasn't it just the most ridiculous idea ever? They were _too_ close, and this all went too quick. But at the same time, it didn't. He had missed this feeling, he wanted to dive into it and get a taste of it again and again. But that was the whole point: the feeling _wasn't_ back. It was all fake. And Robbe knew it had to stay that way. But he also didn't have a fucking clue how. ''I just... all of this? Are we seriously gonna do this? Is it even gonna be believable? I've never even been with someone before, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't even know how to act around you, let alone pretend to be into you.'' 

''Well, if it helps... I don't know how to act around you either.'' Sander said, his voice soft, soothing in a way Robbe hadn't expected it to be. ''But I'm sure we can do this. If we both try hard enough.''

''I don't know...''

''Hey,'' He stood up, walking up to him with small steps, almost as if he was afraid he'd run away if he did otherwise. ''We don't have to do this if you really don't want to. I don't want to force you into anything.''

Robbe shook his head quickly. He wasn't forcing him in any way, _he_ was the one who had come up with this, _not_ him. And he _did_ want this. The problem was, he wanted it just as much as he didn't. He knew this wasn't right, but he also knew that at the same time, it was the best thing he could do. He had to help him, even though it meant crossing his comfort zones and opening up old scars that hadn't yet healed from the pain the boy standing in front of him had caused all those years ago. But if the slight chance of that pain not being Sander's fault but his own was actually true, he knew that he had to do this. He had to prove him wrong and show him just how much he truly wanted to try for him. ''No, no. I do want to. I want to help you.''

''Okay.''

''I just don't want to... disappoint you, I guess.''

Sander frowned, taking another step closer. ''How could you possibly disappoint me with this?''

He shrugged, staring down at the wooden floor beneath them, observing the blonde's combat boots as they slowly shuffled into his direction. ''I don't know.''

''Look, all of this really isn't that serious. The only thing that matters is that Britt finally understands how fucked up she's acting. And if we do this convincingly enough, it might not even take longer than a day.''

Robbe looked up, finding Sander's eyes.

''I mean... I hope it doesn't.''

''Neither do I.'' Ouch. He knew he had no right to interpret that as something painful, as he'd literally just said the exact same to him. But it still fucking sucked that Sander kept reminding him of just how much he actually disliked him and wanted things to be different. But apparently, he didn't dislike him enough to not move on with this plan. Sander tried to read his face, his expression confused yet curious, as he asked: ''What are you so afraid of?''

''I've just... never done any of this before, with anyone. I just don't know what to do.''

''But I do. And I can show you. Step by step.'' Fuck. He really had to stop changing his mood from soft into defensive and back the entire fucking time. It confused him so much that he thought he'd faint for one second. But then again, it had been Robbe's own choice to start a fake relationship with the one guy who knew two moods only. He didn't even know how to describe them. Let's just say he alternated between _''I don't like you and therefore I won't talk to you or act like a total asshole''_ and _''I suppose we had a lovely past, I might remind you of who I was back then for a moment''._ And the second one just kept messing him up. ''And it's not like we're gonna go all the way, all we'll be doing is some touching, kissing maybe.''

He talked about it as if it was nothing. Little did he know how much it all meant to Robbe.

''I know, I know. I'm sorry.''

''Don't apologize, it's okay. You've got this, alright? And if you change your mind about all of this, you can just tell me. Again, I don't want to force you into anything.''

''You aren't. Am I forcing you to do anything, though?''

Sander shook his head quickly, determined. ''No, you're not.''

''Okay.''

Their eyes met again, twinkles battling each other. His eyes were so fucking beautiful, he could stare at them for hours. Yet, he wasn't brave enough to enter the depths, afraid he'd be unable to pull back, drowning in them the same way all over again just like he did when he fell for him all those years ago.

''Yeah?''

''Yeah.''

''Good. Now, come here.'' He reached out for his hands again, more quickly this time, bringing them close to his chest as he kept them enclosed within his both hands. He brushed both thumbs over their back, his fingers smooth and soft, setting his skin on fire like a lucifer lighting up a scented candle- effortlessly, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. ''How does that feel?''

He wrapped his fingers around the back of his hands, rotating his palms parallel to his and interlocking their fingers. His heart started racing in his chest, his knees turning weak. The warmth in his stomach bubbled up in the same pace as Sander's thumbs traced circles over the back of his hands. He felt the heat of his palms against his own, invading all of his senses with his touch only. 

It felt _incredible,_ unimaginable, and it completely took his breath away.

''It's... okay, I guess.''

''Now... just sit down next to me.'' He used their laced fingers to pull him back with him towards the bed, sitting the both of them down as he guided Robbe next to him. He untied one hand from the brunet's other, reaching it upwards and placing his thumb against the skin of his cheek. It moved past it, caressing it slowly- barely tangible, however just enough to make Robbe's mind stop working. ''How about this?''

Robbe swallowed hard, parting his lips, as his eyes scanned Sander's. He wasn't sure whether it was him, or if it just really was incredibly hot in here.

''Can I... can I try something?''

The blonde nodded, opening his mouth to catch his breath, seemingly not having expected Robbe to want to insist the next move. ''Of course you can.''

He just couldn't hold back anymore. The feeling was too _good-_ too addictive, too recognizable in a way that he felt like retrieving it and just not wanting to let go of it ever again. He moved himself forward, pushing himself closer towards Sander on the sheets, making their knees touch just like he had just done, his heart ticking like a bomb that was on the verge of exploding. Their eyes battled, their gazes lowering from their mouths and back up like a light that flickered in the dawn of the moon. And that's when he gave in.

_He kissed him._

His lips found Sander's within a split second, as he entered him like a wave that came crashing down onto him. His heart thumped in his chest, weakening his knees as the boy parted his lips and took him in, almost making him forget how to breathe. He tasted like tenderness, warmth and intimacy, the flavor of sweet mint- spicy and almost overwhelming, mixed with an undeniable sense of _passion-_ lots and lots of pure, unrestrained desire. And all of it made Robbe want _so much_ more. Adrenaline rushed through his body, as he wanted to cling onto him and pull him closer, but functioned just enough to remind himself that this was just a show that they needed to practise for others to see. But fuck, how he didn't care right now. All he could think about were his lips on his and the feeling of totally, completely getting lost in him. 

He moved his hand to his neck, as he felt Sander carefully putting his hand on his hip, enclosing it and pulling him closer in the way Robbe hadn't dared to quite yet. Everything suddenly seemed to accelerate- as Robbe dug his fingers a little too far into his skin, working himself on top of him as Sander gratefully accepted, continuing to explore his mouth with his soft lips and hot breath as Robbe settled down on his lap, losing himself in the hypnotic feeling he'd always wished to feel, wished to experience and wished to be real.

_Fuck._

This _wasn't_ real. Sander didn't _mean_ this.

Robbe instantly pulled back, taking his hands away from the boy's neck and hiding his face into them.

''Oh, _fuck-_ God, sorry if that was too much...'' 

He tried to stand up, to free the blonde from his grip as he realized this was all way too _fucking_ desperate, looking like he was trying way too hard but in reality wanted this more than he dared to admit. But just when he thought Sander must've felt like he'd gone too far, the boy grabbed him by his arm and pulled him back, making sure he wasn't leaving his spot on his lap quite yet. ''No, no, no, it's okay. It's good, you're doing great.''

''Really?'' He stared into his eyes, his own brown ones big and vulnerable, penetrating Sander's green ones with his own insecurity. He didn't want him to know how real this all felt to him. It couldn't feel real. It _wasn't_ real.

''Yes, really.'' Sander said, letting out a soft laugh, almost as if he didn't understand why Robbe was acting this way, as if he didn't mind, as if this was the exact thing he wanted him to do. ''Give me your hands.'' 

Robbe reached them out, holding them above his lap, seeing them tremble like crazy. He sighed, letting out a nervous giggle. He truly didn't even recognize himself at this point. ''This is so fucking embarrassing...''

''It isn't, I know this is new for you. And it's not exactly the best setting.'' He said, holding on to his hands and reminding him of the entire situation, putting him back in his place- the one where he didn't mean anything to him, but was just a way out of his relationship he couldn't get rid of. And as much as he wanted to hate himself for choosing to help him in this way, for letting him be used like this even though he had offered it himself... he didn't want it to stop. He didn't want this feeling to end. ''But there's no need to be nervous, alright? Just tell me when it's too much for you, or when you want to stop.''

Fuck. How was he like this? How did he make him feel like this? Who gave him the right to be this sweet and thoughtful and make it have an effect on Robbe even though it was only for the show they were putting on? And most importantly, why did Robbe let himself be consumed by it even though he knew none of it was real?

''Okay.''

He truly was such a fucking pussy. A pussy that was totally and completely consumed and taken away by the magical spell and the undeniable, irresistible magnet that was Sander. And it truly was no surprise that he was. He always had been.

''And, in case it helps anything...'' The blonde mumbled quietly, bringing his lips closer to his, moving his tongue past the inside of his cheek, looking so fucking tempting that Robbe had to everything in his power to maintain himself. He squeezed his hands, brushing his thumbs past his palms as he continued: ''You're quite the good kisser, Ijzermans.''

Robbe couldn't help but roll his eyes and let out another nervous laugh, as he nudged the boy against his chest, his hands still held by Sander's, almost making him fall down backwards on his bed and pulling him with him. The blonde laughed out loud, as Robbe muttered a shy, secretly quite flattered: ''Oh, _shut up.''_

Sander recovered himself, a smirk very present on his face, his eyes twinkling brighter than the stars Robbe saw shining in the midnight sky ever single night. He looked down at their interlocked hands, tracing his fingertips past his skin. It sent so many shivers down Robbe's spine that it completely took his breath away, his legs feeling numb, almost being unable to function any further. His fingers traced his veins as if he was treating them like his canvas, as he asked: ''Where do you want your hands?''

Robbe secretly knew the answer to that. _Everywhere._ But he really couldn't say that. Like ever. And he truly wasn't allowed to feel like that either. _Fuck,_ Robbe. Focus. You despise this guy, remember? You _don't_ want him like that. Not anymore.

''I- I don't know. Where do you want them?''

''Eh, I was thinking of putting mine on your w-''

''No, I mean... where _you_ do want _my_ hands?''

The blonde frowned, apparently not quite understanding his question. ''Why are you asking? I don't mind.''

''I just... I don't want to be too clingy, or make you uncomfortable...''

''Robbe, we literally just kissed,'' Sander scoffed, and he had a fair point- if even kissing him didn't make this entire thing feel unbearable, then he wasn't sure what else would. But still. He just couldn't shake the feeling of being too much, or crossing a boundary Sander didn't even want him to cross. He was doing this to get rid of his girlfriend after all, not because he actually liked doing this... _thing_ together with him. The blonde then shook his head, continuing: ''Don't worry that much, okay? You're doing great.''

''Okay.''

''Let's just do this first,'' Sander turned his trembling hands around, lacing their fingers together as he held them up in between their chests, filling up the empty space that still remained there. His thumbs brushed past the back, tracing the lines of his veins. The boy focused himself on their connection, as Robbe couldn't do anything else but the same, observing their hands, shivering, flabbergasted by his delicate touch. ''How does that feel?''

''It feels alright.'' He lied. It felt _fantastic_. It felt like his heart was gonna combust of emotions he could barely handle. Sander and him had never really held hands like this, but now that he'd gotten a taste of it, he never wanted to let go of it ever again. No, _fuck_. He didn't mean that. Get a fucking grip, Robbe.

''How about this?'' He pulled his hands closer towards his body, letting go of his fingers to wrap his hands around his and press them against his chest. It felt warm, safe, and he suddenly barely could resist the urge to wrap his arms around his neck and bury his face into his shoulder. The fabric of his sweater felt soft against his palms, as his fingertips traced circles over the back of his hands. Robbe kept staring at the way his fingers caressed him, while Sander's eyes never left Robbe's face. He could _feel_ his gaze burning onto him. But he didn't dare to look up and find his eyes, too afraid he wouldn't be able to resist. Too afraid he'd drown in him and not be able to pull back.

''Your heart's beating very fast.'' Robbe's hoarse voice said, swallowing hard to make the lump in his throat disappear.

Sander let out a laugh, squeezing his hands. ''I guess you must be doing a great job, then.''

''Shush,'' Robbe couldn't help but giggle, somehow feeling extremely flattered by the boy's words and feeling his cheeks burn bright red, as he pulled one hand out of Sander's grip and used it to wipe away some of his bleached hair from his forehead, pressing his own against his. He felt his nose brush past Sander's, as the touch suddenly made Robbe seem to realize what he was doing, pulling back in an instant. His smile disappeared, his cheeks burning even worse after his sudden choice of action. He didn't know how or why the boy brought this all out in him, but he truly didn't feel like he was in control of his own movements at some points. Why the _fuck_ did he just do that? And what even _was_ that? He looked around, searching for a way out or something to focus on, feeling his breathing quicken. ''Wow, that was... stupid, sorry.''

The blonde immediately shook his head, wrapping his free hand around Robbe's waist and pulling him in even closer. ''No, I liked that, come back.''

Robbe's brown doe-eyes widened. ''Really?''

Sander nodded, studying his face as it was closer than ever before, his other hand never leaving his. He parted his lips, his eyes tracing Robbe's jawline, blinking rapidly as if he was trying to process what he was seeing, as his hoarse voice said: ''Yeah, just... keep touching me the way you did. That's good.''

''Are you sure it's not too cli-''

A hand unexpectedly covered his mouth, the other holding the back of his head. Sander grinned, one eyebrow raised, asking: ''Clingy? We were always close, Robbe. I never minded that. Why do you think I would now?''

He moved his own hand up to take away the one that blocked his way from saying anything, folding their hands back together on his lap as if it was the most normal thing in the world. He didn't even think about it. All he thought about was the fact that the reason this all mattered so much to him was so obvious, yet the thought apparently didn't even seem to cross Sander's mind. ''Because now it's different.''

''Different how?''

_Different, because back then you didn't hate me. Different, because back then we weren't used to anything else. Different, because back then these were things I always wished to do with you, but for a different reason than the one we have right now. But mostly importantly, different, because back then you saw me for who I was, your best friend, the most important person in your life, whereas now, you just see me as a pawn in your way to get rid of your toxic relationship with the person you once replaced me with._

Robbe knew he had caused this himself. But it didn't mean he didn't feel shit about it when he thought about it too much.

''Because back then, we weren't practising,'' Robbe stared at their intertwined hands, fiddling around their fingers. ''And you and I both know how else it's different.''

''What? Because I don't like you and now I'm sitting here, kissing you?''

''Yeah.''

Sander shook his head all confused. ''Isn't that the entire point? You don't like me either.''

''I know,'' Of course Robbe knew that was the point. He knew there were zero feelings attached to this thing. But he also knew he couldn't tell him that it took him some time to get used to it, simply because old feelings had suddenly come rushed back to the surface that he had worked so extremely hard for to finally get rid of. Old feelings Sander had never even known about. ''I guess I'm just... nervous. I really don't know what I'm doing.''

''Well, that doesn't show.'' Sander said, a grin covering his face. He moved his face closer to his, as he whispered: ''That kiss was... quite something. I'd almost start believing it myself.''

Robbe rolled his eyes, moving his tongue past the inside of his cheek and biting down his lower lip to prevent a smile from growing. He hated the fact Sander did this to him, making him feel this way when he clearly didn't feel the same, but at the same time, he absolutely _adored_ it- his compliments made him go completely crazy. This guy really knew how to both lighten and worsen the atmosphere at the exact same time. He nudged his arm, almost pushing him backwards on the bed again. ''Oh my _god,_ Sander...''

''What?'' The blonde laughed, his smile more beautiful than anything else Robbe had ever seen. It had been such a long time since he'd seen it from this up close. It had always been the best part of Robbe's days, but he hadn't realized just how much he'd missed seeing it. Sander put his index finger underneath his chin, making him look at him, as he poked his finger into his cheek and playfully said: ''You've got to stop turning all shy on me, Robin. Just like you weren't that shy a few minutes ago.''

Little did he know just how shy he was, but how much he'd just gotten lost into the moment _and_ into him.

The boy shrugged. ''I guess I just stopped thinking for a second.''

Sander titled his head, licking his lips while closing both eyes. ''I know, my kisses are mind-blowing.''

''You're so annoying.'' Robbe couldn't hold his big smile back anymore, as he put both hands to Sander's chest and pushed him down on the mattress. The boy put his hands on his waist and dragged him down with him, making him land on top of him and making him unable to contain his laughter any longer. Robbe quickly worked himself back up, his cheeks bright red from the fact he had just _lied down on his chest,_ grabbing Sander's hands and pulling him back up towards him. 

Sander licked his lips, his smile never having disappeared as he watched Robbe with a sheepish look. ''Just... stop thinking and start doing, okay? Do what feels right.''

None of it felt right. Yet, everything did.

''Okay.''

''So... if you'd kiss me now, where would your hands be?''

''On your... neck?''

''Okay.'' Sander nodded, guiding his hands to the warm skin of his neck, placing them down on it, cradling his fingers over the back, almost as if he wanted to comfort him and stop them from trembling, silently telling him it was all okay. ''There?''

He swallowed as he could feel Sander's heartbeat underneath his fingertips. It was way quicker than it was a few minutes ago, beating more rapidly than he'd expected it to.

''Yeah.''

''Is it okay if I put mine on your waist?'' Sander questioned, carefully letting go of his hands, penetrating his eyes into his.

He nodded. ''You can do that, yeah.''

Robbe's heart skipped a beat from his big hands consuming his waist. The boys kept staring at each other, scanning each other's eyes as they felt the tension rise between them. Neither of them said something, as Sander squeezed his skin, pulling him onto his lap yet a little closer. Robbe couldn't do else but insist, letting himself be guided, as he suddenly felt the boy's hands move up to his back, digging his fingers into his skin slowly. 

''How about this?'' He whispered, their lips being only a breath apart.

Robbe swallowed hard, almost feeling sweat break out from the undeniable butterflies taking up every single inch in his chest. ''It feels... nice.''

''You okay?'' Sander asked, seemingly noticing Robbe's nervousness as he felt the boy grow weak underneath the grip of his fingers. 

''Yeah.''

He bit his lower lip hard, his eyes dark. ''Good.''

All it took was one second, as Sander's hands pulled him in closer, pressing their chests together as their lips crashed onto each other. And _fuck-_ Robbe really wasn't able to hold back anymore. He didn't give a shit if Sander had his thoughts about it. He'd just tell him he was trying hard to show him what he was capable of, or show him that he really wanted to help him so much that he'd give his all to make this seem convincing. He didn't want himself to want this. He didn't want himself to want Sander. But he just couldn't fucking resist him. Not right here, with his hands consuming him like this, their lips hungry for each other. 

Robbe's hands moved themselves to Sander's hair and pulled it, making the boy whine in surprise, biting down on his lower lip to make Robbe part his own and give him access to conquer the depths of his mouth. Their tongues collided for the first time, setting Robbe's entire body on fire, trying to master the balance of gravity as he tried to wrap his legs around his waist even firmer. Sander shuddered, moving one hand to Robbe's curls and pulled them, making the brunet unable to resist a sound he didn't even know he was able to create. Sander's fingers dug themselves into his waist as his hands then completely consumed him, turning the boy around and practically throwing him onto the sheets beneath him. He ran his fingers down his chest, digging them into any inch of skin he could find, as Robbe knotted his hands into his bleached, wavy hair, grabbing him and pressing their bodies closer. Their lips moved so fucking in sync, wet and so incredibly hot that Robbe lost control, feeling his blood boil under his skin as he clutched onto him. He turned them around, climbing on top of him as Sander's hands travelled all over his back, exploring him and finally ending up in the strands of his brown, fluffy hair, pulling it and softly whimpering a groan into his mouth. Robbe never knew that when he wished to be kissed, it would feel as sensational and magical as it did with him. His lips silenced his thoughts, shot adrenaline through his entire body and made him feel alive like nothing or nobody else did. Sander bit his lower lip, making Robbe curl his toes, as his hands moved lower, his fingertips moving past the edge of his shirt in the heat of the moment. He felt the warmth of his skin on his, his metal ring passing his side. He knotted his hands into his sweater, lips crashing hard, yet so incredibly sweet, that he completely forgot about the world surrounding him.

So much, that he didn't even notice the door to his bedroom falling opened.

''Robbe, do you happen to have my-'' The brunet immediately pushed himself off of Sander, rolling himself to the other side of his bed, his lips soaked and bright red, cheeks never having been more puffy, his hair looking like a complete and total mess. Well, _shit._ ''Oh, _fuck,_ I am so sorry, I didn't-''

 _''Milan!''_ Robbe whined exasperated, hiding his face in the sheets beneath him.

''Sorry, I didn't know you two had some... _other_ projects going on, too.''

''Just... fucking knock next time!''

The door slammed shut, the sound echoing throughout Robbe's room. A few seconds passed, as the only sound still being audible were the chuckles Sander couldn't hold back. Robbe moved up, releasing his face from his sheets, finding the boy next to him who apparently found this all very funny. He nudged his shoulder, pushing him onto his side as he wasn't able to contain a small grin himself. This truly was the weirdest thing he'd ever done.

He couldn't believe he just had a freaking make-out session with the guy who hated his guts the most. And even though it made him feel lots of things he didn't want to feel, and even though he still somehow regretted making this choice, and even though he knew all of this was for the show of it and for making it look believable... he couldn't stop himself from wishing this hadn't been the last time. 

Sander popped his lips, taking his bottom lip between his teeth. ''Nice practice, Ijzermans.''

His hair was a complete mess, flying into all directions, his cheeks bright pink and his lips puffy. Fuck, he looked like an absolute _dream._

''You think?''

''Hm-m.'' He moved back towards Robbe, studying his face. ''You're better at this than you think you are.''

The brunet snorted. ''Well, might pursue a career in fake dating, then.''

''I might join you, who knows.'' The two boys looked each other in the eye, silence filling up the room once again. Sometimes Sander just said these things he didn't know how to interpret. This was one of those things.

''Anyway, I think we've got the convincing part covered.'' 

They definitely did on Robbe's part.

''Yeah, we might.''

''Will I... see you at my locker on Monday? Before classes?''

''Do you think Britt will be there?''

''She will. Her locker is right across the hallway.''

Shit, they really were about to do this. This whole practise thing in his room had been nerve-wrecking, but the thought of having to act like his boyfriend in front of the entire school made him feel like his heart was about to explode. _His boyfriend._ God, that sounded so weird.

''Okay, I'll be there.''

''Good.'' Sander worked himself off of the bed, grabbing his leather jacket from Robbe's desk and put it on ever so smoothly. He moved a hand through his blonde locks, creating an even more perfect mess, as he licked his lips and said: ''See you Monday then, _partner.''_

Robbe's mouth turned dry. 

''See you Monday.''

**Sunday, 18:06**

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**Sunday, 18:14**

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**Sunday, 18:22**

**Sunday, 18:30**

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**Monday, 08:31**

Robbe had never been so nervous about going to school than he did now ever before. He knew exactly what was about to happen. But it wasn't just the fact that he'd be making out with Sander in the school hallways in a few minutes. It was the fact that people now actually knew, that some of them had already seen them kiss last Friday but had now also seen the post Sander had shared publicly, confirming their thoughts and confusion, showing everyone that they were actually together. Kind of. But they didn't know about that. And the entire point was that they had to keep believing it was true, that they had fallen utterly in love in the length of a week and that Sander didn't want Britt anymore now that he had found and fallen for Robbe. Together with those people were Robbe's own friends, even his best friend, who had texted him saying he didn't understand shit, obviously, and probably thought Robbe had gone completely crazy. He knew he had to tell him about it. He didn't want to leave Jens out of this and lie to him about something this personal. He couldn't do that to him, not even if he tried to.

As he walked up to Sander's locker, already seeing the blonde boy look around and searching for him, he smiled nervously, coming to a halt next to him.

''Hey,'' He said, expecting nothing else other than a greeting back, being taken off guard as Sander suddenly bowed over to him, instantly pressing his lips on his. Robbe put his hands on the boy's chest, pushing him away slightly, shaken by his sudden choice of action. Sander watched him for a second, his mouth still parted from their quick kiss, as he grinned proudly, rubbing his lips together.

Robbe raised his eyebrows, letting out a long breath. ''Oh, wow, we've already started then.''

''Well, yeah,'' Sander shrugged. ''It's not gonna be believable if we only do this in front of Britt.''

''I know.''

''Come here.'' The boy closed his locker, grabbing Robbe by his arm as he placed himself against the cold metal next to them. He dragged him in between his legs, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close- just as close as they had been on Saturday evening. Robbe couldn't help but let out a chuckle, secretly enjoying this way more than he probably should have done. He couldn't even begin to explain how good it felt to be held by Sander like this, safe within his arms, closer to him than he had been for the longest time. Right. It was insane how quickly Robbe kept forgetting the fact how fake this all was to the guy that was currently holding him. He looked around, searching for anything else to look at other than Sander, trying to find a spot to lean his hands onto and wanting to avoid placing them anywhere on Sander's body. He _couldn't_ give into that feeling. He seriously couldn't. Come on, Robbe. It's _fake,_ and it's about time you start handling it that way. 

Sander seemed to notice his inner battle, as he frowned his eyebrows, trying to find Robbe's gaze. ''You okay?''

Robbe sighed, deciding to just let his hands rest on Sander's arms, not knowing where else to put them. As soon as he felt the fabric of his leather jacket and the warmth of his body dissolving into his hand, his heartbeat accelerated, reminding him of just how insane his influence was on him. He just stared down at the place where his body connected to Sander's, as he muttered a quiet: ''Yeah.''

The blonde released one hand from Robbe's waist to grab the brunet's that was resting on his arm, as he wrapped his long fingers around it, pulling it against his chest. Robbe could feel his knees turning weak, not being able to focus on anything else than Sander's hand enclosed around his, holding him close to his body. He didn't know how to describe how it made him feel. What he did know, though, was that Sander's heartbeat was a lot slower than his was, making Robbe think this was all much easier and much less of a big deal to him. Apparently, standing close to the person you despise the most, kissing him to make your girlfriend think you aren't crazy, was one of the most normal events in the world to him. Robbe still couldn't quite understand that _he_ had been the one thinking of this mess. ''Does it feel okay?'' 

Robbe nodded. ''It does. I just have to get used to it.''

''Well, it won't be for long, at least.''

 _Sure, remind me again of how fake all of this is, why don't you._ Sometimes he forgot just how much Sander actually despised him, and that all of this was really just a way, some kind of forged masterplan to get him out of his own toxic relationship by the help of the one guy that was stupid enough to think of it in the first place and go along with it as well. Robbe couldn't believe he let himself be used like this, but then again, he had offered the entire idea himself, and Sander had asked, multiple times, whether this was something he actually wanted. Robbe just didn't know what he wanted. But he did know that he somehow wasn't able to shake him.

''Yeah, I know.''

A sudden smile appeared on Sander's face, as he leaned further into his locker, pulling Robbe in even closer. ''So what did you think of the picture I posted?''

''It's good, I guess.'' He wasn't lying. The picture was actually quite good, it did look like they were a thing by reading the caption. The only thing Robbe had forgotten about once he had posted it, was that everyone in their entire school would know they were a ''thing'' within a heartbeat- social media always worked like that. Everyone was gonna think they were together, and somehow, that suddenly set the bar extremely high, making Robbe more nervous about this situation than he already had been. And the worst thing out of it was, that his friends now knew, too. Fuck, he really had some explaining to do, especially after the texts Jens had sent him last night. ''Jens seemed to believe it.''

''He did?''

''Yeah, he texted me.''

''What did he say?''

 _Oh, you know. That he didn't understand shit, that he thought I hated your guts, that he thought you felt the same way about me._ Jens now didn't only think he had gone absolutely crazy, but he had also outed himself to everyone instead of just him, posting about it publicly before telling his best friend about it first. Not that Robbe was sure about his sexuality now, but he just knew that Jens was disappointed at the fact he hadn't talked to him about this first. He now probably thought Robbe didn't trust him with it or didn't feel comfortable confiding into him about personal matters such as these. If only he knew the backstory of all of this. And after his texts last night, he was quite sure he'd tell him about all of it. One person didn't mind, and next to that, he trusted Jens more than he trusted anyone.

''Let's just say he was very... _confused.''_

''Yeah, I suppose a lot of people are.''

Ugh, _everyone knew._ Robbe looked around, seeing people watching them and sending them curious yet confused gazes, probably not understanding shit about this entire situation. They weren't stupid, they knew Robbe and Sander had never even talked before- not in the school hallways, at least. And to be fair, Robbe didn't understand shit either. It really was a mess, and he didn't know how to ever save himself out of this. ''Do you think they'll have opinions about us?''

''People always have opinions, Robbe. It's your choice what you do with them,'' Sander moved his index fingers to his jawline, tracing it with it like it was a magic wand, cupping his cheek with his hand as he brushed his thumb past his lower lip, making Robbe part both of them and just watch him in complete awe. ''And by the way, if we just make this very convincing, we really have nothing to worry about.''

They did. _Robbe_ did. If this was about to become too convincing, he knew it wouldn't just start to feel real to others, but to himself, too.

''I guess you're right.''

''Fuck, she's here.''

''Hm?''

Sander pulled Robbe in closer by his waist, using the hand cupped around his cheek to confidently press his lips on his. Robbe took in a deep breath, shaken by the sudden action, knowing exactly why he was doing it, yet still being unsettled by it, nevertheless. He parted his lips, kissing him back and taking Sander in, feeling his warm tongue move past his lower lip and granting him access as he slowly but surely felt his stomach twisting itself into a knot, his heart fluttering in his chest. He knew that now was the moment. He knew he had to make this believable, make this look like he'd done it so many times before. Ironically, making it look convincing wasn't even the biggest part he worried about. Sander's hand stroked his hair, calming him down as if he somehow knew his thoughts were running on full speed. And Robbe _tried-_ he tried to relax himself and just rest his hands on his chest as if this was something they did everyday. But knowing Britt was watching them, the entire school hallway together with her, knowing it was all our nothing now... it somehow made it all a lot harder than it already was last Friday night.

''God, this is weird...'' Robbe mumbled against his lips, taking his own off and burying his face into his hands that were still resting on Sander's chest right after.

Sander put his index finger beneath his chin, making him look back up, finding his eyes with his own distracted ones. Maybe he truly didn't mind this as much as Robbe did. ''Just act natural.''

''Yeah, that's the entire problem.'' Robbe sighed.

''Stop thinking, just kiss me. Just like we practised.''

''That was different...''

''Shut up.'' Sander crashed his lips against his once again, entering him like a wave that hit him like a ripple of softener and rain. He dug his fingers into Robbe's waist a bit further, creating a rush of adrenaline in the boy's chest like a fire that ignited by his lighter on the cigarettes he smoked every single day. And Sander was truly so convincing with all of this- kissing him as if his life depended on it, hungry for him and consuming him as much as he could, almost making Robbe believe he truly wanted this, and that he'd thought about this moment for just as long as he had done. And _shit,_ Robbe couldn't help but want more. He finally gave in to his feelings, the touch of Sander's lips on his putting his thoughts on silent, wrapping his hands around the hem of Sander's leather jacket, pulling him in closer and colliding their lips even more than they already did. He felt the blonde smile against his lips, clearly being content with his sudden move, as he let his hands slip down a bit, resting them just above the bottom of his spine. 

God, he wanted him _everywhere._

''Sander?'' A sudden voice interrupted them, making the boys come back to reality, right here in the school hallways. Robbe was completely flustered, as if he'd just been woken up from a dream, blinking his eyes rapidly to come back to his senses. 

''Hm?'' Sander seemed to have the same problem - or maybe he was just pretending, thinking Robbe was, too - as he vaguely looked to his left, moving his tongue past the inside of his cheek and rolling his eyes all annoyed as he saw who had ruined their moment. ''Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.''

Robbe recognized this dick-ish attitude from a mile away. He was literally using the same one he'd always given him on Britt now, too. It made him wonder if he had always used it with the same intention he had right now- wanting to get rid of him, trying to tell him he was done with him and wanted him out of his life. Then again, it was no surprise if it was, considering the way their friendship ended on such a bad note.

''Sure, you didn't.'' Britt scoffed, crossing her arms together. ''So what, you're suddenly dating a _guy_ now?''

''Yes, I am.'' Sander smiled proudly, tugging Robbe closer towards his chest. ''His name is Robbe, by the way.''

''Is this you trying to make a point or have you really gone out of your mind?'' 

''No, this is me being into someone else other than you. But apparently you find that very hard to understand.'' He focused himself back on Robbe, brushing his thumb past his cheek and making their noses touch, creating an explosion of butterflies within Robbe's chest. It really were the small gestures such as these that made him forget this was all just a show- a way to make this all look even more convincing to the girl that was standing next to them right now. 

Britt nudged Sander's shoulder, making them back away from one another. ''You seriously think I believe any of this?''

''It's fine if you don't. I only care about Robbe's opinion, anyway.''

She snorted, shaking her head full of disbelief. ''I'm sure you do.''

''So, is there something you need, or wanted? I'm quite busy here.'' Sander moved forward again, kissing Robbe's cheek, knowing he had to act up on it to make this look believable from his side as well. So he reached up his hands, placing them in Sander's hair, pulling him onto him closer and pretty much burying his face within his.

''Right, busy kissing a guy to try and show me you're over me.''

Sander slowly moved back, leaning the side of his face against Robbe's. ''I'm just kissing my boyfriend, actually.''

Britt's mouth dropped open, as she just observed them - Sander, mostly - and the way they stood intertwined together. If Robbe didn't know any better, he swore her eyes would fall out of her sockets at some point. ''You're not being serious.''

''I am, aren't I, baby?''

 _Baby._ Robbe swallowed hard, both from the choice of words as well as knowing right now was his moment to step up, showing his side of all of this and making sure he could make this believable, too. And in the end, this was also his moment to show Sander he really meant wanting to help him. So he nodded, wrapping his arms around Sander's neck and giving him a soft kiss on his lips. God, this truly was the weirdest thing he'd ever done. ''Yeah. Yeah, he is.''

''Right, whatever you want to believe.'' Britt raised her eyebrows, as she leaned one hand against the lockers Sander was still resting onto, as she continued: ''I must warn you, Robbe. Sander never knows what he wants.''

Right, he had forgotten about how toxic and controlling she was for a second. It was the entire reason he was standing here, wrapped up in Sander's arms in the first place. He suddenly found all of this a lot less uncomfortable as he remembered himself about their conversation in the hallway, knowing just how badly she wanted to have power over him and prevented him from living his life the way he wanted to. Sander _did_ know what he wanted. She just didn't give him a chance to choose himself and pursue all of that because she thought she was more important than anyone else.

''He does, actually.''

She frowned her eyebrows, clearly not having expected this reply from him. ''What?''

''He does know what he wants.'' Robbe wrapped his arms around Sander's neck even tighter, pressing their bodies closer. ''He wants _me.''_

He could see Sander smile proudly in the corner of his eyes, knowing it wasn't because he was saying the truth, but that he was just glad Robbe made this so convincing and told his ex off the way that he did. A slight rush of hope rushed through his chest, the grin on Sander's face penetrating in his mind, hoping that this was a step into the right direction considering their... whatever it was.

''Sure.'' Britt popped her lips, a fake smile growing onto her face. ''Well, good luck with him then. He truly is full of surprises.''

She gave Sander one last angry look, shaking her head as she turned around and walked back to her friends. As soon as she'd crossed the corner of the hallway, disappearing out of their sight, Sander clenched his jaw, releasing Robbe for one second to kick his foot against his locker and slam his fist into it, too. A bang echoed itself throughout the room, making others look up at them for what was probably the hundredth time today. 

''Hey, calm down,'' Robbe quickly said, grabbing him by his arms and pushing him back into his old position. He grabbed the edges of his leather jacket, pulling at it as he tried to make the blonde cross his gaze and make him focus on anything else but the girl who didn't deserve his attention anyway. And, aside that, he just really didn't want to give the people another reason to keep watching them the entire time. ''Don't let her get to you.''

Sander groaned, balling his fists. ''It just... _pisses_ me off.''

''I know.'' Robbe observed him as he looked down in between them, clearly trying to find back calmness. He knew he had to do something, interfere his anger to make sure he'd snap out of it and not make this entire charade even worse. And then, suddenly, Robbe knew exactly how to make that happen, thinking back of the one moment a few minutes ago that had made his heart explode out of his chest. ''You called me baby.''

The blonde looked back up, finding Robbe's eyes, his pupils dilating from the unexpected change of subject. ''Yeah, I did.''

''I liked that.''

Sander's eyes twinkled, as he quickly frowned his eyebrows, the corner of his mouth raising slightly. ''What?''

''I mean- I- I like to think that that worked.'' Robbe silently cursed at himself for being this much of a basket case, almost making Sander think he had actually _enjoyed_ it. The boy seemed to notice his inner turmoil, as he grinned at him, his tongue moving past his lower lip. Robbe really needed to stop working his way into uncomfortable situations such as these. ''Like, that it made things more convincing.''

''If anyone made things more convincing, it was you.''

''Me?''

''Yeah. The whole _'he wants me'_ thing? That was great.''

Of course it was. However hard this all was, Robbe really didn't have a big problem making this all look convincing. He knew how it felt to actually want this, to actually want him. And little did he know how much Robbe actually wanted what he said to be true as well, and how much it hurt him when he produced the words and realized that would probably never even happen. 

''Right.''

Sander smirked, putting his finger underneath Robbe's chin, moving his face closer towards his as he whispered: ''Nice work, _baby.''_

He really had to stop doing that. He wasn't sure whether he was testing Robbe's limits or if he just actually didn't know that all of this meant something to him. But the way he held him, the way he kissed him, the way he whispered sweet nothings to him even when others weren't around to hear or notice, made him all think there was no way he had no idea about it. Or maybe he just despised him _so_ much, that he truly didn't give a shit about the way Robbe felt. Way to be hopeful, Ijzermans.

As he looked around, trying to find anything else to look at but Sander, attempting to make the words he said meaningless to himself, his eyes suddenly found the one guy he really didn't want to see right now, especially when he was standing this close to the person he had told him lousy stories about not that long ago. Maybe he wanted to see him even less than he wanted to see Sander, and that said something. 

_''Shit,_ it's Jens.''

Sander frowned, clearly not understanding the big deal. ''What about him?''

The answer to his question was quite simple. He probably thought Robbe had gone crazy after seeing Sander's post and not getting a clear explanation about it afterwards. And now that he saw them standing here like this, close together as if their past had never even happened and showing him that whatever the post was supposed to reveal was actually true, he probably seriously didn't understand shit anymore. 

''I just... fuck, he probably thinks I've gone insane seeing me with you like this.''

''You know you can't tell him about this, right? About it being fake?''

Robbe groaned, knowing it would probably be for the best not to tell him, but being sure he was able to trust him with this at the exact same time. ''Can't I really just tell him? Only him?''

Sander shook his head, letting out an irritated exhale. ''No, Robbe...''

''Why not?''

''Because he just can't know. End of discussion.'' Sander was acting as if telling Jens would ruin all of this, as if he would make a big statement once Robbe opened up to him about this all. He didn't even know him, why was he making such a big deal out of this?

''What's the big deal about me telling Jens? He's not gonna tell anyone.''

Sander scoffed, kicking his ankle back against the locker, softer this time, yet enough to show Robbe how much this bothered him, anyway. ''Right, because he's so trustworthy, isn't he?''

So this was about _trust_ now? Why was he even bothered by Jens so much? If Robbe wanted something, Sander wasn't gonna be able to hold him back. He wasn't allowed to control him like this- he was willing to help him this much, but he surely wouldn't let Sander decide whether or not to tell people close to him if he wanted that himself. If he did, he figured the blonde wouldn't be much different than his own ex who was doing the exact same to him.

Alright, maybe that was a bit exaggerated, knowing how toxic Britt was, but still. There was no way Sander was deciding this for him. Or anything, for that matter.

''Wha-? Okay, what is your problem with him?''

Sander shrugged, avoiding Robbe's gaze. ''I don't have one. You're just seeing things.''

There it was again. Robbe had already wondered when his asshole attitude would come look around the corner once again. He did seem to notice a pattern now, though. He noticed that Sander usually would fall back into his dick-ish behavior once things didn't go the way he wanted them to. He just let out a laugh, shaking his head as he asked himself why he was still even surprised by this at this point. ''Sure, of course I am.''

The blonde grabbed his arm, making them lock eyes, his own _very_ determined, as he said: ''Look- we just can't tell anyone, okay? We wouldn't want to risk fucking this up.''

''Telling Jens isn't gonna fuck this up. We can _trust_ him.''

Sander moved his head back, his eyes wide and his lips parted. He scoffed, crossing his arms as he leaned back against his locker. _''We?_ If you decide to trust him then that's up to you, but I don't.''

What the _fuck_ was his problem? Why was Jens such a big deal to him? This whole charade probably wouldn't last that long anyway, and he didn't know shit about how trustworthy Jens was. He didn't even know who Jens was to begin with. 

''You know you're acting like a total asshole, don't you?''

He raised his eyebrows, moving a hand through his bleached hair, staring at Jens in the distance with squinted eyes. ''Tell me about it. It's the only thing I've been seeing the past four years.''

Oh, so he suddenly wanted to pick a fight about their past again now? God, this entire shift in attitude thing truly was giving him a whiplash at this point. First it was Jens, now his past with Robbe? What was next? Was he gonna judge him for hanging out with his other friends, too? He suddenly remembered how much Sander had changed, and how much he disliked the person he had become. It were moments like these where he showed his true self, instead of the one he showed when they were supposed to keep this entire fake thing going.

''What the fuck does that mean?''

Sander shook his head, picking up his green shoulder bag from the floor and throwing it onto his shoulder. ''Just... leave it.''

He released himself from Robbe's grip, practically shoving him off of him, as he walked out of the hallway and crossed the corner without granting him as much as one more look. And Robbe just stood there, in the middle of Sander's confusing attitude and Jens' judgeful and confused look, not knowing where to look, not knowing how to find a way out. All he did know, was that he truly had some explaining to do. As he saw his friend walking up to them, Moyo and Aaron together with him, he sent an early prayer, hoping they wouldn't make too much of a big deal out of this right now.

Aaron scoffed, patting Robbe on the shoulder. ''Okay, is my joint just kicking in or did I actually just see you kissing Sander?''

''No... I mean, yes, I was... kissing him.''

''So, what? You're like... gay?''

He shrugged, shaking his head. He really didn't feel like discussing his sexuality on top of all of this, too. ''I don't know. Does it matter?''

''No, it doesn't. I'm just surprised, that's all.''

Out of annoyance, Robbe rolled both eyes, already being done with people's opinions, as well as being done with himself for ever starting this in the first place. ''What, because you've never seen two guys kiss before?''

''No, because you've never even talked to the guy and now you're suddenly all over him.''

''Don't forget to mention you've never even talked about him to us.'' Moyo interrupted, as he raised his eyebrows, clearly being just as confused as Aaron was. Of course he never talked to them about Sander. He knew exactly how they'd react. He somehow kind of wished he'd never told Jens about him either, as he probably thought he had completely gone out of his mind right now. Against Sander's clear disapproval, he still felt like wanting to tell him about all of this.

''I forgot, okay? And you know now, so what's the big deal?''

''It just doesn't really make sense, Robbe.'' Jens suddenly said, staring at him questionably, trying to read his face as Robbe clearly wasn't giving him the answers he wanted. ''Usually you tell us everything.''

''I know, I'm sorry.'' He really was. He wished he had never even started this, he wished Sander wasn't being such an asshole about not wanting him to tell him. But he would, eventually. Sander didn't decide over him. And maybe Jens would be the one to finally tell him how to handle this, especially when Robbe felt like he couldn't himself. Because in the end, even though he hated Sander so much, and even though he wished he had never started this entire charade... he couldn't help but feel himself grow closer to him in ways he had always felt all those years ago. He knew he shouldn't have. He knew it went against all of his principles. He knew he wasn't allowed to fall for the one person that had dropped him like he had never even cared about him in the first place. But he just really wasn't able to shake him. Not even if he tried to. ''I guess I fell for him quicker than I thought I would.''

Shit. He truly did.

**Monday, 23:11**

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**Monday, 23:30**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii lovelies!
> 
> i'm back with chapter three!  
> gosh this is a long one. i hope it's not too boring, i've had quite a hard time with my fic because i just don't know if it's interesting or good enough.  
> anyways, i hope you enjoy reading it!
> 
> please leave a comment here or send me a message on my tumblr (sobbefairytales) if you want to tell me what you think! i appreciate your comments a lot and they keep me motivated so much. it means a lot to me to read what you liked or what you are expecting in the future chapters and it's just nice to see you get involved in something that takes me a lot of time! i hope it gives you a reason to be happy in these hard times. <3
> 
> lots of love, a. <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Friday, 22:10**

Throwing his bag on his bed, zipping it opened and gathering a bunch of clothes to take with him on the trip, Robbe couldn't help but feel a mix of uncertainty and concern bubble up in his chest. They really were about to do this. After Jens had told him about their plans for this weekend, Robbe had pretty much been unable to sleep for the rest of the week, his thoughts spinning and his body turning as he lied in bed, wondering how him and Sander were possibly gonna make this work. They both knew that one week hadn't been enough to convince Britt of their ''relationship'', and that in fact, she was still suspicious about all of it being true in the first place. This weekend might've become the ''all the way or no way'', having her around constantly for two whole days, being the perfect opportunity to show her just how ''real'' it all was and prove her wrong about Sander once and for all. But the thing was, this _wasn't_ just for Britt. This was for all of their friends, all of their classmates- nobody understood how the two of them had suddenly become so close in the length of a week, not ever having spoken or even looked at each other ever before. This weekend wasn't just gonna be crucial when it came to convincing Britt- it was crucial because they had to prove it was real to everyone else, too, in order to make Britt believe this in the first place. If nobody else did, she was never gonna believe them either. 

And Robbe knew exactly what that meant. It meant that he had to be all over Sander for two days straight, not ever being out of his presence or his sight, being with him and touching him constantly, just to prove others that he wasn't able to live without him anymore now that they were together. It meant that Sander would have to do the exact same; kissing him, holding him, touching him, all day, every day, just to show everyone they were an actual thing and to give them no other reason to doubt otherwise. He wished they were able to stay inside their rooms the entire weekend, avoiding everyone else and this entire fake thing, but mostly avoiding the inevitable possiblity of Robbe falling for this guy even further than he already did. Because, shit, he was in so fucking deep already. So much, that he couldn't even try to tell himself differently anymore. He didn't hate him. He didn't despise him, either. God, he _loved_ him, he always had and that would probably never change. Not even all that happened between them during the past four years was enough to ever take that feeling away.

As he looked to his left, he grabbed his sweater from over the back of his chair, holding it in between both hands and taking in the feeling of the fabric as he remembered how Sander's leather jacket had covered it around this time last week. He recalled him placing it on top of it, almost as if he knew it would make him weak, and that it would definitely leave some sort of impression on him. And it _did-_ because out of every single spot Robbe's room consisted of, and out of every single place he could've decided to put it- he decided to put it on top of a piece of Robbe's own clothing, merging both together, the smell of Sander's perfume now very present in Robbe's sweater, too. He held it up to his nose, as he closed both of his eyes and took in the scent, the familiar bold, fresh and floral fragrance entering his lungs and making him think back about all those times they lied down, intertwined together, the exact same smell passing Robbe's nose as Sander used his arm to keep him close to his chest. It always had been the most normal gesture in the world. Ironically, right now, it was the rarest one, making Robbe wonder if it would ever even happen again to begin with. 

He lied down on his sheets right next to his bag, pulling up both legs as he kept the sweater close to him, burying his face into it and taking in a deep breath. He sighed as he let it out again, brushing his face past the fabric, wanting to keep it closer, cuddle with it all night, desperate to find a way to keep Sander's scent merged into it forever. Shit. He really was way too head over heels for him and he truly was such a fucking idiot for ever causing that himself. Sander didn't _want_ this, he didn't mean this. He had been in relationships before, so he knew how to make it look convincing. None of it was honest. None of it was real. The only real thing about it was Robbe's stupidity for ever starting this and creating this mess for himself that Sander clearly didn't want to get involved in.

Speaking of the devil, his phone buzzed in his pocket, taking him out of his thoughts. He slipped it out, leaning up on his elbow, unlocking the screen as his heart skipped a small beat, reading who's name was covering it.

Robbe groaned loudly as he threw his phone down right next to him on the bed, covering his face with both of his hands. He sighed into them, slowly wiping them off of his face, as he stared at the white ceiling, trying to take in the fact that... this weekend was actually about to happen. The things he had been afraid of, the conversations he had been wanting to avoid, the social situations he really didn't want this whole fake thing to get fed up in... _shit,_ this weekend really was about to become his worst reality of a nightmare. The knowledge that he wasn't the only one nervous about it made him shiver, wondering why all of this had such an influence on Sander, too. But maybe it wasn't all that complicated. Sander was the one who needed this to work in the end, anyway, not him. But _fuck._ Maybe he did. Not for Britt, neither for everyone else, but... for himself. Maybe he wanted this to work out for him in the way that Sander realized none of this was that fake, after all. He wanted him to fall for him just as badly as he did, the other way around. He wanted him to see him the way he did, love him the way he did, desire him the way he always had ever since that moment on his 14th birthday as Sander's fingertips sparkled up his heart in ways it had never done before. But well, that would probably never happen. Because when was life ever gonna be in _Robbe's_ favor for once?

A knock on his door interrupted his inner turmoil, as Milan quickly stepped his way inside right after, the same way he always did. ''Hey, you okay?''

He sat up, fixing his messy hair - which, couldn't really be fixed, but oh well - and throwing away the sweater he had been cuddling with not that long ago. He moved himself to the edge of his bed, folding up a pair of pants he had forgotten about in the heat of the moment, plopping it down on top of the small pile of boxers that had already found its way into his travel gear. ''Yeah, just... packing.''

''Are you excited to go on the trip?''

''Not really, actually,'' Robbe said, letting out a loaded exhale. If he'd known about this trip a lot sooner, he'd never have thought of this messed up plan to begin with. God, how much he'd give to just spend the entire weekend alongside his best friends, having nothing else but his mom and his amateur skating skills to worry about. This whole thing truly made him feel as if he was living in a soap opera at times. ''At least it's only for two days.''

Milan bit his lower lip, stepping towards Robbe slowly but surely. ''Does that have anything to do with your... 'project' partner?''

He frowned. ''Who, Sander?''

''Well, I haven't seen any other pretty boys visit our house, so yes, him.''

_Pretty boys._ Well, he definitely wasn't wrong. But it amazed him just how much Milan was attracted to him, without actually knowing who the guy was that stood in front of him on the threshold every now and then. He had a lot to hide, a lot of secrets and thoughts he didn't share. He'd changed into a closed book in the midst of four years only, a person Robbe didn't recognize, but wanted to unravel even more so, nevertheless. Little did Milan know just how much of a mystery the guy really was.

''You really like him a lot, don't you?''

''Do you?''

Robbe looked up at his housemate, moving his head back in confusion, his question being sudden, _too_ sudden- yet, the easiest one Robbe had had in a very long time. ''What?''

''I mean... I know I wasn't supposed to see, but... you two seemed to be quite close last weekend.'' _Close._ It was quite the understatement. Robbe had literally been all over him, looking like a mess as he rolled himself off of him and blinked rapidly to come back to his senses, back to reality right there on his bedsheets after getting lost in Sander's spell, consumed by his touch. He really didn't know how to get a grip or maintain himself whenever he was around- last weekend had been the best possible example. He never really had known, but Sander had never showed he wasn't okay with that. In fact, he'd always gone along with it, almost as if he wanted it just as much as he did. The reason behind it was different now, though.

''Right.'' 

''I don't remember you being that excited about him a week ago.'' Milan observed him from up, all the way down, watching him stay silent as Robbe didn't know what to answer, slowly sitting down next to him and putting a supporting hand on his shoulder. ''What's going on, Robbe?''

He sighed, not knowing the right answer, not knowing if he should even tell Milan in the first place. All he could think about was Sander finding out he'd told him, him getting angry at him for opening up to someone about it and him quitting all of this because Robbe didn't stick to their agreement. He didn't want that to happen. Ironically enough, quitting this somehow was the last thing he wanted right now, even though his head kept telling him otherwise. ''It's a long story.''

''I have time.'' He stared down at his watch, letting out a scoff. ''I have fifteen minutes.''

''It's just... it's not real, okay?''

''What isn't?''

''The... thing you saw. It isn't real. Or I mean... we're faking it.''

_''What?''_ Milan's mouth dropped opened, further than he'd ever seen it, staring at him with utter disbelief crossing his eyes. Which, wasn't even really a surprise to him, as Robbe's life had never been exciting enough to consist of charades like these. In fact, he barely ever left his bedroom to begin with. ''Damn, way to be a rebel, Robbe. I didn't know you were so sneaky.''

Robbe raised his eyebrows. ''Trust me, it's not that exciting as you think.''

''Okay, consider me intrigued.''

And in that moment, Robbe realized he just _had_ to tell him, even if Sander probably didn't want him to. He knew he had to open up about it to someone if he wanted to stay sane during this entire puppet-show. And it wasn't like he was telling Jens, so in the end, Sander had nothing to be angry about. He had only made a point about his best friend, anyway. And Milan was his _housemate,_ his literal family in some ways, so Sander had no right to keep him from telling him at all, or anyone, for that matter. And besides, there was no way Sander would even find out about it in the first place. Or at least, Robbe hoped he wouldn't.

''Sander has a controlling ex, and she doesn't believe he's honest about being over her. So... I offered to help him prove her otherwise.''

Milan frowned, clearly not following. ''O-kay... so you basically just... really felt like helping him out, even though you barely know him?''

Right. He hadn't told him about that not-so-small detail yet, either. 

''I... know him quite well, actually.''

_''What?_ What do you mean?''

''Sander and I... used to be best friends.''

''Wait, wha-? Okay, I'm completely lost now.'' At this point, Robbe was convinced Milan's eyes would fall out of their sockets, surprise dripping off of all of his features as he almost seemed to freeze from shock. It was quite funny how everyone he had told about him and Sander was taken this off guard by it, almost as if they thought it wasn't possible, as if he was making up a story to make his life sound a bit more interesting than it... really wasn't. And to be fair, he wished that was the case. He wished Sander and him had never been friends. He wished he had never fallen for him while being so. But of course, life was never in Robbe's favor. Neither was his heart.

''We were best friends before we went to high school. We did everything together, I've never been that close to anyone else. But then once we turned 14, he just... forgot about me. He literally acted as if I didn't exist to him anymore.''

''Shit, what an ass.'' Milan scoffed, shaking his head. He popped his lips as a small grin formed on his face. ''A gorgeous ass, that is.''

_''Milan...''_

''I'm just kidding, sorry.'' He nudged Robbe's shoulder as the brunet groaned, not being able to resist a small smile from growing. He appreciated how levelheaded Milan usually was, yet, he couldn't help but feel like this situation wasn't really meant for that. ''But wait- if he's been such a dick to you, then why exactly are you helping him out with this?''

''Because... who else is supposed to help him? He doesn't have many friends.''

''You know it's not _your_ job to help him or feel responsible for him, right?''

''I know.'' 

Silence fell for a little while, filling up Robbe's room as the two of them sat there, next to each other while the quiet resounded through their ears. Robbe folded his hands together on his lap, biting down on his lower lip as Milan's words did make sense but just didn't seem to fit the complicated puzzle that was Sander in his mind. His housemate tilted his head, continuing: ''I'm sensing a 'but'.''

Robbe groaned, desperately throwing his hands into the air and letting them plop back onto his legs. ''I just... I don't know, okay? There's no way back anyway.''

''Robbe... if you don't want this, then you don't have to. You know that, right?''

''I do.''

Milan squinted his eyes, watching Robbe with confusion. ''But... you're still doing it.''

''Yes.''

''So... you _do_ want it?''

''Maybe. I don't know.''

''Okay, don't get mad at me for asking you this, but...'' The boy's hand played with Robbe's bedsheets, brushing them neat and messing them up again, seemingly trying to find the courage to ask whatever was lying on the tip of his tongue. He cleared his throat, as he finally questioned: ''Is there a chance all of this doesn't feel that fake to you?''

Of course there was. It was the exact definition of what was currently happening. None of this felt fake to him, even though it should've most definitely been that way. He wished he was able to hold it back, to close his feelings off for certain people that weren't good for his own dignity- but he couldn't. At first he'd hoped that he was able to pull this off, to help the person he secretly missed having around the most even though he despised him for all he had done to him. But then, ever since their moment on Saturday and the start of the week, realizing just how much Sander's fake words actually meant to him... he figured that he couldn't. He couldn't, because this _wasn't_ fake to him. He couldn't, because even if he wanted to feel nothing for Sander, he was never gonna be able to pull that off. He couldn't, because he had been in love with Sander ever since the moment he had given him his guardian angel necklace. He couldn't, because even though he had tried, endlessly to a point that it exhausted him, that feeling had never really gone away.

''Is that bad?''

Milan shrugged. ''I mean, not necessarily. I'm just wondering why, if he's treated you like that for so long.''

''Because before... it was different.'' He smiled softly as he suddenly remembered those moments he had lived through together with him: watching movies until the sun almost started rising again, falling asleep together, practically in each other's arms just before the sun came up completely, sharing clothes whenever Robbe had forgotten to take another shirt with him as he stayed over, laughing, talking- discussing anything and everything until the both of them got too tired to do so. Which, was never really the case. Robbe could never get tired of Sander. Not of seeing him, not of being around him, not of any single thing that made him who he was. He was like that book that you wanted to read over and over again, focusing on different details every single time. He was the most fascinating person he'd ever met, a chapter Robbe never wanted to end, a song he wanted to listen to on repeat, and he could never, ever get bored of him. _''He_ was different.''

''Was it different because... you might've been into him?''

Yes, he was. And that was still the exact case right now. He just didn't want to give into it, he didn't want to say it out loud and own up to the fact he was too weak, too _powerless_ to get over the guy that had never felt the same desire towards him at all. He really was so stupid for letting this happen, when Sander clearly wanted him even less than he ever did before- which, had never been more than just his best friend. 

''I don't know, okay? I just... I have no clue what I felt.''

His housemate scooched over a bit closer, once again resting his hand on the boy's shoulder. ''You know that's okay, right? To have feelings for him. For a guy.''

In fact, he did know. His sexuality had never been the big deal. Not that he was gonna shout it off the rooftops- he just really didn't feel like labeling himself or making it a bigger thing than it actually was. He figured he loved who he loved, and that it didn't matter whoever that was, so he wasn't gonna spend his time on worrying about a label he really didn't feel like putting on himself. So yes, he knew. But that had never been the issue here. ''I know, that's not the problem.''

''Then what is?''

''The problem is that he clearly doesn't want the same. He never has and he never will. And I'm just stupid for letting myself fall back into old feelings by thinking of this fucked up plan.''

Milan shrugged. ''Then just quit it.''

He groaned, resting his elbows on his legs as he pulled at his long, brown curls. ''I can't.''

''Why not?''

''Because he's gotten under my skin and I can't seem to shake him.'' The words left his lips quicker than Robbe thought they would, groaning into his hands and looking back up to find a brightly grinning Milan gazing at him. He frowned, not understanding what was so funny about all of this. ''What?''

''Nothing. It's just... cute, to see you like this.''

''Like what?''

''In love.''

''I am _not_ in love with Sander, I'm just... confused.'' He lied. But he just hoped Milan wouldn't see right through him. He really didn't feel like owning up to it, especially not right now, only a few hours before going on what would probably become the worst weekend of his life with the person questioned. 

''If you weren't, you wouldn't keep this going, Robbe,'' As Milan supportively squeezed his shoulder, granting him a small smile, he realized right away that there was no chance to lie to him, to make him believe otherwise than the truth Robbe so desperately wanted to keep hidden. Of course Milan knew. He was one of the few people closest to him- he maybe even knew Robbe better than he knew himself. And he was right, too. If he hadn't loved Sander the way he did, he'd have quit this thing by now. In fact, he wouldn't even have started it to begin with. ''We go to great lengths for the people we love.''

''I suppose so.''

''Just... don't let yourself get hurt, okay? Even if you love him, you're worth way more than just being a way out.''

And as the boy stood up, rubbing his hand through his hair and smiling at him one more time right before leaving his room, Robbe knew he was right. He knew he was more than just a pawn or a way out of Sander's misery. He knew that this entire thing wasn't allowed to hurt him, even though he had been the one to think of all of this to begin with. But he couldn't take it back. He didn't even _want_ to take it back. And as much as Robbe wished he was stronger than this, that he would've succeeded at getting over him and wasn't this weak to give him what he wanted or help him like he needed... he couldn't stop himself from wanting to. Because maybe Robbe's life wasn't about looking for what he had never had. Maybe it was about realizing that what he had once lost, was actually what he was trying to find his way back to. 

**Saturday, 09:44**

Today was the day, the moment of truth, the ''all the way or no way'' when it came to making this fake thing believable. Robbe hadn't even slept last night, constantly turning around and keeping himself awake to keep this day away and prevent it from happening for as long as he possibly could. He knew it was inevitable, but it didn't hurt to enjoy the last few hours of his normal, boring flatshare life for a little while longer, before drowning himself into the misery that was unpreventably waiting for him the next day. He could already feel the confused gazes burning onto him, hear the constant questions his friends would ask him, and see the judging looks everyone would give him and Sander as they obviously needed to be incredibly close in front of everyone this entire god damn weekend. It was gonna be absolutely terrible- he knew it would be for the obvious reason that all of this felt way too real to him while it didn't for his ''partner'', so he couldn't help but send a quick prayer into the air, right before opening up the door to the cabin and following his friends inside. 

As he walked in, he immediately locked eyes with the boy in question. While they stood there, the both of them on other ends of the small room, Robbe tried to ignore how incredibly gorgeous the boy with his tight jeans, leather jacket and black beanie that covered all of his hair except the small strand that fell down on his forehead looked as they gave each other an expecting gaze, daring one another to take the first step. But neither of them did. Instead, they looked away again, avoiding each other's gaze and the high paced heartbeat inside their chests, both clearly having zero idea of how to handle any of this right here. Shit, they really were about to ruin this entire thing for themselves if they kept handling it this way. 

''Are you kidding me? There's bunk beds only.'' Britt exclaimed, throwing her bag onto the floor all irritated, clearly having expected more class and apparently having imagined them going to some five star cottage when she sussed herself to sleep last night. Robbe rolled his eyes, her reaction not surprising him at all, as he knew exactly just how spoiled she was back at her poshy home, her well off dad most likely always giving her exactly what she desired and making sure her life would go the precise way she wanted it to. Apparently, that included deciding over Sander's entire future and staying at a five star holiday cottage with a king-size bed and a minibar on an average class trip, as well. He suddenly remembered just how much he wanted to prove her wrong, not just for Sander, but for the sake of her finally realizing not everything would always be in her favor, too. 

''Guess you're gonna have to lie on top of Jens, then.'' Robbe snorted at Aaron's cheeky reply, appreciating how he told her off with zero shame. The weekend hadn't even started and she already annoyed the hell out of him. It truly was no surprise that Sander wanted to get rid of her and her influence on his life. He had always wondered why he had even started a relationship with her to begin with. What was so special about her that made him fall for her? And most importantly, what made her different from Robbe that Sander saw _her_ that way, but not him?

As if he knew, Robbe looked up at Sander to already find him staring at him, watching his every move as he stood there, leaning against one of the few kitchen counters with his hands buried in the pockets of his - way too skinny - dark jeans. He granted him a small smile, almost as if he tried to reassure him that it would all be okay, and... maybe that actually worked. Maybe that one small smile made Robbe's heart a bit lighter, reminding him that they were in this together, and that even though all of this sucked- he still enjoyed being this close to him again, even if Sander didn't feel the same way. Fuck, he really was in way too deep.

He took his eyes off again, trying to ignore him and the way he looked so incredibly pretty that it was almost too irresistible while he still could now, not wanting to make all of this worse than it had to be. He really had to make up his mind about whether or not he actually enjoyed doing all of this.

Britt sighed, shoving Aaron aside by his arm. ''Shut up, asshole.''

''No worries, I'll top him anytime.'' Jens shook his head, grinning widely and seemingly appreciating him too as Aaron gave him a pat on his shoulder. The rest of the cabin was small- barely big enough for all of them to fit inside. There was one, whacked couch in front of the tv, the stove in the kitchen only having two burners, not nearly enough to cook for all of them, as the light in one of the two bathrooms flickered and almost made Robbe lose his mind. It was quite primitive for a school trip, to say the least. Not that he agreed with Britt, but it wasn't exactly worth the money they had all paid for it, either. Yet another reason why Robbe was glad this thing would only last for two days.

''Yo, guys, there's one shared bedroom here.'' Moyo's voice echoed throughout the place, as he made everyone look up and come his way, taking in the new room he revealed to them. And he was right- there indeed was one shared bedroom, the bed being way bigger than the small place would let on- it even had its own bathroom and a big window showing the gorgeous view on the mountains outside. It looked like quite the dream, one of those cozy bedrooms you'd want to stay in to watch the evening fall and the morning rise with the one closest to you. Ironically, Robbe had that one person right here with him, yet, it was all a bit more complicated than it probably would've been all those years ago. 

Aaron's mouth dropped opened. ''Holy shit, you bet I'm taking that one.''

''Actually,'' Britt interrupted, tilting her head as she suddenly turned herself towards Robbe, her eyes scanning both him and the person standing behind him he had tried so hard to ignore. ''I think Robbe and Sander would love to share a bed together, don't you?''

Wait, _what?_ No, they didn't. Spending time together around the others was enough already. This entire weekend would consist of him being around Sander anyway, they didn't have to take it even further by being together even when the others weren't around to pay attention or watch their every move. And even if they did take the shared room, what would they expect them to do? Share the bed together? God, no. He wanted Sander back as his _friend,_ there was no way Robbe was getting himself in that far. There was no way he was gonna let himself get into him even deeper. He wasn't gonna risk that, this entire thing about faking it around the others was enough alre-

''In fact, yes, we do.''

Well, shit.

''Do we?'' Robbe looked up at Sander with a surprised expression, completely forgetting this had to be believable for a second as Sander's reply left him startled, his heart beating out of his chest as he had quite literally stated that they indeed would love to share a bed together, regardless of the battle inside Robbe's mind. He knew it was probably all a part of his act, but still. It made quite the impression on him that apparently he didn't mind this whole fake thing enough to even sleep next to him at night. And he figured he couldn't disagree with him now, right in front of everyone. It would ruin the entire thing. In the end, why wouldn't Robbe want to sleep next to him if they apparently were so incredibly in love? ''I mean- yeah. Yeah, of course we do.''

Silence fell for a bit as the others just studied them looking at each other. As for Robbe himself, for a moment, right there, he didn't even notice them. All he saw was him, his stunning green eyes, the hues reminding him of the sunrise in the midst of fall, secretly wishing he could drown in them over and over again. _We'll just see what happens and take it step by step._ Well, this was a huge step indeed. And the both of them were very aware it was, swallowing hard as their eyes somehow couldn't let go of one another. And somehow, Robbe's heart couldn't keep itself from fluttering as he imagined just how his day would end tonight. _Next to him._

Shit, don't let yourself fall in any further, Ijzermans. _Get a grip._

''Great, that's settled then.'' Britt gave him a fake smile, clicking her tongue as she pretty much rolled both eyes at Sander. ''We wouldn't want you two to be apart for too long.''

Aaron scoffed. ''You guys better not be too loud tonight.''

''Shut up, idiot.'' Robbe nudged his friends' shoulder, trying to laugh away the fact that all of this meant more to him than he currently led on. His smile froze as he suddenly felt a hand grabbing his waist, fingers digging into his skin through the fabric of his clothes as the warm hand moved itself past his back, lingering onto it for a while. He looked up to see who passed him, revealing the messy blonde haired to himself as the warmth of his palm still burned through his brown jacket like a fire that was forgotten to be put out. Sander gazed at him over his shoulder, a smirk very present on his face as if he knew exactly what kind of influence he had on him. He winked at him, clearly enjoying this for some reason, biting down his lower lip as he grabbed his green shoulder bag from the floor, moving himself towards the shared bedroom. _Their_ bedroom.

Shit. This was about to become something.

**Saturday, 21:17**

The campfire was burning hot, warming everyone up as they stood surrounding it, forming little groups the same way they would always do in the hallways of their high school. It was quite funny how this trip was meant to make everyone closer, to make sure students would meet and connect with each other, but on the contrary, nobody gave a shit about that intention and still decided to hang out with their own bubble of friends regardless of it, anyway. 

The first day of the weekend had actually gone by pretty... acceptable, considering everything Robbe had expected to happen. Him and Sander hadn't been together that much just yet, as most of the first day had been spent on unpacking and exploring the neighbourhood, more than it was focused on hanging out together with the other students. He knew that was about to change though, as the campfire would be the first get-together moment of the two-day trip, the inevitable suddenly coming way closer than Robbe was even ready for. _Everyone_ was here. There was no way Robbe could stay away from Sander the entire time now. He had to go up to him, sit together with him, talk to him- do things he didn't feel like doing yet somehow wanted to do so extremely badly. He really had to make up his mind about him for once, and this entire trip surely wasn't helping with making that process pass more quickly. 

He looked to his right while standing next to his own friends, seeing Sander roll himself a cigarette as he sat on one of the wooden benches on his own, close to the fire. The way he licked it closed was so incredibly captivating that it was just insane- almost as if he knew Robbe was watching, even though he never locked eyes with him to confirm so. His tongue moved past the paper, parting his lips to enclose the cigarette between them as he took the longest, most careful drag, his metal ring that had touched his skin not that long ago reflecting in the fire's light, treating it with such care as if it was a painting he had to be extremely careful with. He took it back, blowing the smoke out from in between his lips and mending it with the fumes of the campfire as he licked them clean right after. Most people would've looked absolutely crazy doing this, but, of course with Sander, nothing ever could. He somehow made everything look so smooth, making even the tiniest details so dominant, and just incredibly fascinating- a miracle on its own. So much, that even if Robbe wanted or tried to, he just wasn't able to look away. 

And fuck, there it was. As soon as Robbe's lips parted, no longer in control of his own motions as Sander somehow completely took his breath away, the blonde looked up, locking his eyes with his. He watched him as his pupils found him through his eyelashes, moving his tongue past the inside of his cheek as he tried to prevent a smirk from growing, knowing exactly why Robbe was looking at him and surely very aware that it hadn't been for just these few seconds. He took another drag, keeping the cigarette stuck between his lips as he slipped his phone out of the pocket of his tight, dark jeans, never breaking eye-contact as he unlocked it, moving his fingers past the screen. Just as Robbe wanted to send him a questionable look, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, already answering his confusion for him.

Robbe swallowed hard, his phone shaking as his hand started trembling, turning himself away from his friends a bit further to hide his own nervousness. Fuck, of course Sander had noticed him- he had literally been staring at him more obvious than ever, his mouth practically dropped open from captivation, the blonde boy lighted up by the fire being the biggest eye-catcher his sight had ever noticed. 

He looked up, finding Sander's eyes as the boy frowned back at him, the corner of his mouth raising slightly. He put the cigarette back between his lips, grabbing his phone with both hands as he replied:

Well, of course he had meant the fucking cigarette. He knew Robbe smoked, he had watched him endless times when they observed each other from far away at the school yard the past four years, so he probably just meant his first text as a way to invite him to come over to have one, too. Could he be any more obvious when it came to his feelings for him? He was quite sure Sander knew by now, or at least had high suspicions every time he saw Robbe looking at him. He glanced up through his eyelashes to see Sander grin at his screen, blowing out the smoke, seemingly waiting for Robbe's reply.

_We can share mine._ Robbe's heart seemed to explode, feeling himself go breathless as the chaos in his chest raised by the second. The funny thing was, it really wasn't that big of a gesture, he had shared cigarettes with Jens more often than he could count, but somehow Sander made it all feel more... consuming. More wonderful in ways others never could.

_Only with you._ What the hell did that mean? And why was he giving him such mixed signals the entire fucking time? They locked eyes again, as Sander playfully wiggled his eyebrows, putting the cigarette in between his lips and taking another drag, his eyes never leaving Robbe's as he blew out the smoke, continuing to watch him, even though it partly blocked his sight. Fuck, his charisma and the way everything he did somehow always looked ever so smooth infected him to a point he just couldn't tear his eyes off of him.

''This beer tastes like shit.'' Moyo groaned, squinting his eyes and instantly bringing Robbe back to his own circle.

''The fuck? This tastes like actual piss.'' Beer fell down on the sand beneath their feet, as Aaron spit it all out after taking a sip, clearly agreeing with Moyo's opinion. ''Robbe, your taste in beer unfortunately isn't as great as it is in men.''

His black haired friend laughed. ''Did you just call Sander hot?''

''I didn't even buy the beer, Jens did.''

''Way to ruin my image,'' His best friend frowned, nudging Robbe's shoulder as he outed him instead of giving him cover. ''This was the only kind they sold.''

''Yeah, right,'' Moyo raised his eyebrows. ''Anyway, I was thinking, maybe we could film a vlog tomorrow morning?''

''About what?''

He shrugged, pouting his bottom lip. ''I don't know. Jens' shitty beer taste.''

Jens instantly nudged his chest, almost making him fall down into the sand behind them. Both boys laughed, making Robbe remember just how much he appreciated them and how things between the four of them were always so... chill. They just joked around, never taking stuff too seriously. There were times when Robbe wished they could be a bit more sensitive in ways, especially when it came to situations like his mom, but he figured that's what he had Jens for. He had always been the one person he could count on, whatever it was about. 

''A boyfriend versus best friends vlog.'' Jens suddenly said, widening his eyes and pointing up his index finger as if he had just thought of the best idea ever. He daringly raised his eyebrows at Robbe, almost as if it was a way to test him out, to test _them_ out, and see if he was being honest about this whole ''relationship'' thing the three of them clearly still seemed to have their doubts about. The way he wished he could tell them, Jens, mostly, but somehow he didn't want to risk ruining this thing with Sander, either.

Robbe frowned. ''What?''

''You know, Sander versus us.''

He shook his head, letting out a soft scoff. That was never gonna happen. ''I don't think he'd want that.''

''You're just afraid we know you better than he does.'' Aaron added, leaning his arm on Jens' shoulder and clearly choosing his side in this. His best friend laughed, appreciating the fact that Aaron agreed, as he reached out his hand and moved it through Robbe's curls, messing them up completely. Shit, this was what he meant with wishing they were a bit more sensitive and just... more thoughtful at times. Robbe really didn't have the energy for this bullshit, not when it came to proving them wrong about Sander, especially when maybe there wasn't even anything to prove wrong. Not from Robbe's side, anyway. 

''No,'' He continued, sighing to himself, trying to fix his hair in the meantime. ''I'm just sure Sander wouldn't want to participate.''

''Wouldn't want to participate in what?'' The sudden interruption of the guy he really didn't want to mend himself into this conversation left Robbe startled, as he rested his chin on his shoulder and slowly cradled his arms around Robbe's waist. _Fuck._ He felt like his entire body was about to explode as Sander's warmth slowly dissolved into him. He felt his fingers tighten their grip on his skin, as he squeezed it, almost to let him know that he was very much aware of how good it felt. His soft hair brushed past his cheek, smelling a mixture of the scent of his bold cologne, his fresh, soothing jasmine shampoo and the smoke of his cigarette he had been - not-so-smoothly - observing him drag as it blew right past his nose. Robbe closed his eyes for a split second, having to restore himself as his body trembled all over, feeling his knees grow weak underneath Sander's touch. 

''A boyfriend versus best friends vlog, you know, to test who knows Robbe best.'' Aaron said, informing him about the vlog Robbe really didn't feel like participating in. Right now, he just hoped Sander wouldn't, either.

''Nah, I'm not really into that kind of Youtuber stuff,'' Sander said to his relief, shrugging as his chin never left Robbe's shoulder. In fact, he even buried himself into the crook of his neck slightly deeper, pressing his lips on his skin, brushing his nose past the goosebumps that Robbe just couldn't prevent from growing. God, he had never felt this tempted ever before, feeling his blood boil as his heart pumped it around on full speed. ''Besides, I know Robbe best, anyway.''

Jens scoffed, folding his arms. ''You're just afraid to lose.''

''I've already won, haven't I?'' Sander raised his eyebrows, silently daring Jens with the look of his eyes. It stayed quiet for a little while as him and his best friend kept observing each other, Sander's hand moving up, his fingers trailing through Robbe's hair as the silence that currently filled the air around them spoke louder than words. Robbe suddenly remembered how Sander had told him he didn't trust Jens only a few days ago. Sander licked his lips, clicking his tongue, as he confidently added, almost whispering: ''I know him in ways you never will.''

The two boys kept staring each other in the eye for a few more seconds, almost as if Sander wanted to prove him something, which- he quite clearly did. What _was_ his problem? He knew they had to make this thing believable in front of everyone if they wanted Britt to buy this too, but he was literally trying _so_ hard, now even attempting to make Robbe's closest friends _jealous,_ taking this entire situation to a whole new level instead of just some touching and kissing for them to see. Jens frowned, breaking eye contact with Sander to now find Robbe's, staring at him all confused, knowing all of this probably made even less sense to him now rather than it was more believable. Why did Sander have to be so... obvious? _Too_ obvious? And it definitely was no coincidence that it was all in front of Jens again, either. He was ruining this entire thing just to save his ego, or whatever he had created over the past four years, without even realizing he was.

''Come here, you.'' Sander's hands tightened themselves around Robbe's waist, as he pulled him back with him to the wooden bench he had just sat on smoking his cigarette, completely on his own. He kind of felt bad for him in a way, regardless of everything that had happened. He didn't have many friends, and now, here he was, trying to get rid of yet another person in his life that didn't accept him for the way he was. And the worst thing was, he even thought all of this was fake to Robbe, too. Shit, he probably felt worse about all of this than Robbe did himself.

He sat back down, dragging Robbe with him and onto his lap, wrapping his arms around him to keep him close. As he stared back at his friends, them still watching them with confusion, Robbe couldn't help but discuss the elephant in the room. 

''What was that about?''

Sander pulled at his skinny legs, intertwining their bodies together even further. ''What?''

''The whole 'I know him in ways you never will'.''

The blonde scoffed, clearly not understanding the fuzz he was making about it. ''It's just a way to make things more convincing, Robbe, it's no big deal.''

''So trying to make my friends jealous is a part of it?'' Robbe questioned, the same confusion his friends just showed now very present on his own face, as well. ''I thought you said you didn't care what others thought.''

''I don't, but we do have to make this believable for everyone if we want Britt to believe us, too.''

''Right.'' He raised his eyebrows, watching Sander with a questionable look. ''That's all?''

''That's all.''

He knew it wasn't. His gut feeling was telling him there was way more to this than he currently led on. There was no way Sander took all of this so far just to make his friends believe it in the same amount that Britt had to. This all really wasn't that serious, he had said so himself not that long ago. So why was he suddenly treating it that way? As he studied the boy's side profile, seeing the light of the fire reflect on his somehow always flawlessly tanned face, he couldn't help but wonder if maybe- just _maybe,_ all of this felt like more to him just like it did to Robbe, too. But there was no way. Was there?

Sander suddenly turned his head, facing him again, moving up to him closer as he hid his face in the crook of his neck. He wrapped his arms tightly around his back, pulling him in for a close hug that warmed Robbe up even more than the campfire in front of them already did. Which- was quite a lot. He could feel his breath crippling past his skin, sending shivers all the way down his spine. And he didn't even know what to do- Sander's touch made him lose control, numbing him from head to toe, unable to function any further. He decided to just put his hands up, rest them around Sander's neck, carefully brushing his fingertips past his soft, blonde locks. His heart pounded out of his chest- he was quite sure Sander was able to feel _and_ hear it, as he didn't know whether anything he did would be too much for his liking, or maybe even too less, now that he had showed him just how far he wanted this to go. He looked to his side, trying to distract himself from his own overthinking, unexpectedly locking eyes with the one girl they so badly needed to watch.

''Britt is watching us.'' He whispered, quickly turning back towards Sander and hiding his mouth into his hair. Shit, it was so soft, he could stay like this forever.

''I know.'' Sander nodded, brushing his nose past Robbe's neck. ''She isn't the only one.''

He moved himself back, away from Robbe's skin that suddenly felt very cold and empty, quickly filling up the hollowness as he pulled the brunet in closer, resting his hand on the back of his head as he did so. He intertwined his fingers within his brown locks, bringing their faces towards each other, booping their noses together as a way to ask for permission and meeting his lips halfway. 

Robbe's body tingled, feeling Sander's hand palm his leg as he dug in his fingers, setting that exact spot on fire as his skin radiated heat right through the fabric of his blue jeans. His stomach twisted in a knot, taking Sander in as he wrapped his hands into his hair, pressing their lips even further together. He was in so fucking deep, and in moments like these, even the biggest anchor wasn't able to keep him from falling in further. Sander was like a black hole- pulling him in, until all that gravity was, was getting lost underneath his touch and forgetting about the world surrounding him.

Heat rose in his chest, deepening the kiss even further, feeling Sander grin against his lips. Robbe's entire body shivered as he realized Sander _enjoyed_ this- that maybe, he even was proud of him for taking the lead even though this was all still quite new to him. It made him feel on top of the world, more than he wanted or allowed himself to. But he just wasn't able to stop it. One look into Sander's eyes, one sense of his lips brushing his, and he couldn't possibly ever stop himself from wanting more.

''Jesus, can't you guys get a room or something? The fire is hot enough, already.'' Moyo groaned, breaking their moment and bringing the both of them back to earth, right here, on the beach next to the campfire. He was right. It suddenly had gotten a lot hotter in here than it had first been. Or maybe that was just Sander's influence on him once again, and the fact his palm was still burning right through his jeans, his leg smoking hot at this point.

Britt stared at them all disgusted, a sense of pride and content rushing through Robbe's chest as he realized it was working, even though he put in more than he had wanted to. Or maybe he did want to. Ugh. He wished he thought of this just as easily as Sander did.

Speaking of, the blonde boy himself didn't seem to care about Britt's reaction at all, as he kept brushing his nose past Robbe's cheek, ignoring everyone and anyone surrounding them, only having attention for him. It was probably part of the act again, not wanting to make others think this was all for the reactions it caused, but still. It didn't stop Robbe's heart from fluttering the way it currently did.

''Maybe we should actually get some alone time? Just the two of us.'' Sander said, confidently enough to make it sound credible, yet, too soft of a whisper for others to be able to hear. 

Robbe blinked rapidly, his eyes zeroing in on his green ones. He swallowed, his brown eyes vulnerable as Sander's reassured him and stared into his all expectantly. Why did he want that? Why did he suddenly want to spend time alone with him? If it was part of the act, wouldn't he have said it more loud and clear, to make sure the others would've noticed? Or was it just because he didn't feel like pretending any more tonight, so he'd rather distance himself from everyone else to finally be able to get a breather? In the end, regardless of what the reason was; how could he possibly say no? There was no way he could ever disagree with him- not when they sat here like this, wrapped up inside each other's arms, so believable that it couldn't prevent Robbe from falling in even deeper.

He nodded, making Sander grin with a twinkle in his eyes. ''Let's do that.''

**Saturday, 22:01**

As the rest of the students kept minding their own business at and around the campfire, Sander had actually taken Robbe to a place a little further down near the water, away from everyone else, pretty much no other sound than the waves of the sea and the inaudible chatter of their classmates surrounding them. He still didn't really understand why the blonde had offered this, why he wanted to get away for a bit to just... be together, but he figured it was just a part of the act to make the others believe they actually wanted some alone time, prefering to spend time with just Robbe rather than constantly being surrounded by others watching their every move. Instead of the weird shit he had pulled on his friends a while back, he figured that this actually made quite some sense. If he had really dated him, or anyone for that matter, he would've truly had prefered being around just him instead of having everyone else near them and observing them every chance they got. 

And, if he had to be honest, it wasn't like he minded being on his own with Sander at all. 

The blonde sat himself down on the sand, moving a hand through his hair, looking back up at Robbe and tilting his head to make him follow. Robbe couldn't do anything else but insist, as he sat himself down next to him, placing his feet down in the sand, just far away from the water to not submerge them underneath. Sander sighed, unexpectedly letting himself fall back down, putting an arm underneath his head and looking up at the sky, taking in the sea of stars hovering above them, rather than the actual sea of waves that was so near by. Robbe watched him, the blonde never making eye contact, too busy to concentratedly count all the small light bulbs above them, lighting up his bright green eyes. He smiled softly as he saw Sander do the same, suddenly very curious, wanting to know what exactly it was that made him grin so beautifully that even the endless stars above them would never be able to compete.

He plopped himself down on his back right next to him, keeping his hands folded on his stomach.

“Isn’t watching the stars together a thing couples do?” He asked, daring him to be more open about how this entire situation felt to him, still curious about why he took him here, away from the others. Meanwhile, he took in the sea of light above, knowing exactly why it made Sander smile so much. It was _mindblowing-_ stunning to a point that you couldn't prevent yourself from wanting to smile just as bright, the beauty being contageous, so much that it took your breath away and robbed you from the ability to breathe as all your mind could focus on was the prettiest sight overhead. Ironically, there was only one thing that could make Robbe feel the same. One person, to be exact.

The boy in question shrugged. “I don’t know. Why?”

“Well, you’ve dated before. Shouldn’t you know?”

Sander snorted, shaking his head. “Britt and I never did that. I always thought it was too cliché.”

“Ah, right.”

The blonde blinked a few times as if the conversation and Robbe's words were just now sinking in, licking his lips as he turned his head to face him. A beautiful grin played on his face, his eyes squinted as he asked: “Are you saying you’ve never dated before?”

Shit, way to make him vulnerable right on the spot. No, he hadn't. He had never really met anyone who had made him feel the way Robbe wanted to feel around someone. Well, except for Jens. But that was a different story. The whole thing was quite simple. After that one afternoon on Robbe's 14th birthday, falling hard and never being able to go back, he had never met anyone else who had ignited that same undeniable spark. The same spark Sander created back then. The same spark he had ignited again now, last week, right when he had walked himself into the classroom, back into his life. He had never felt the same, nor had he wanted anyone else the same way he had always wanted him. It was quite funny how Robbe had convinced himself about despising him, even though he knew there was no way he ever really could.

“I mean... no. I haven’t.”

Sander's eyes turned soft, studying Robbe as he kept staring at the bright sky, avoiding the look of the one person who had never left his mind or his heart. “How come?”

“I just... never found the right person, I guess.” He shrugged, barely visible, trying to maintain a poker-face as the lie left his lips.

“So you’ve never been in love before?”

He had. If only he knew just how badly, how unconditionally consuming and head over heels he had once and for all fallen for the person lying right next to him.

He swallowed, keeping himself focused on the sky. “I didn’t say that.”

The blonde raised his eyebrows, turning himself onto his side, continuing to rest his head on his arm while doing so. “So you have?”

“I mean, yeah. I suppose so.”

“But it never turned into something more?”

Robbe laughed, turning himself halfway on his side to nudge Sander's shoulder, finally feeling somewhat comfortable to look at him again. “Woah, calm down, Mr. Curious.”

Sander shrugged. “What? I’m just interested.”

“In my love life?”

He nudged his shoulder the same way, pushing him on his back to his old position, lying down in the sand. “Just answer the question.”

“No, it didn’t, alright? They never saw me the way I saw them.”

“And then what happened?”

_They left me. They ignored me. They ruined the friendship that had already turned into way more for me a long time ago._ But Robbe figured he couldn't say that. Not here, not now.

“I stayed very sad and terribly lonely.” He answered, pouting his bottom lip. It wasn't exactly a lie.

“God, you’re such a cry baby.” Sander snorted, the biggest grin covering his face and apparently enjoying this, as he playfully nudged Robbe's shoulder once again. ''So I'm your first boyfriend, then?''

Electricity shot itself down Robbe's spine. He knew he was joking, but the way he said it made it sound so heavenly that he couldn't help himself from growing weak. If only it wasn't fake. If only Sander actually wanted him to be. “Shut up.”

It stayed quiet for a little while, the sound of the waves close to them being soothing and calming the both of them down, as they just lied there, right next to each other, the distance between them just big enough for their hands to not brush past one another just yet. Robbe couldn't help but be tempted to stick out his index finger and touch his hand, connecting them, already addicted to the touch of his skin on his and the way he somehow always consumed him with even the slightest gestures. He looked down at their hands, gazing up carefully to try and watch Sander without him noticing. His bleached blonde locks looked like a sea of gold underneath the bright sky, his lips still red and puffy from the kiss they had shared, his jawline seeming ever so sharp as the shadows contoured it, shaping it just perfectly and completely making Robbe forget about the world surrounding them. Fuck, he made anything else so incredibly insignificant, being even more powerful and captivating than the thousands of stars lingering above. 

“Isn’t that the big star?” The blonde suddenly asked, never taking his eyes off of the sky.

Robbe shook his head, taking himself out of his gaze, as he stammered: “I- I don’t know. What does it mean?”

Sander snorted. “Eh... that it’s... big? I honestly have no clue, I don’t know shit about astrology.”

“I thought you said it was cliché anyway.”

“I guess being with you makes me want to break my rules.”

Sander then finally turned his head, locking eyes with him, making Robbe's heart skip a beat as the twinkle in his eyes intensified. He lost track of his breath, as his heart seemed to jump over mountains, drowning on the bottom of the deepest ocean right after. He felt like his body froze, numbing completely, while his blood boiled and made him feel as if he was about to explode right here, on the spot. There was no right explanation for how Sander's words made him feel. It was _extraordinary-_ nothing like Robbe had ever felt before. Ever, only with him. 

He quickly restored himself, trying to ignore the effect Sander's words had on him, knowing he probably meant them as a joke, anyway. He decided to go along with it, rolling his eyes as he shook his head right after. “Oh wow, I’m so flattered.”

Sander chuckled, biting his lower lip, never stopping himself from observing him with bright, twinkling eyes. “As you should be.”

A shiver moved itself down Robbe's spine, sitting himself up slightly, resting on his elbow. He played with the grains of sand underneath his fingertips, letting out a sigh as his body trembled all over. 

The blonde immediately seemed to notice, frowning and moving himself up the same way, getting closer than he had expected him to as their fingers accidentally brushed past each other. ''Are you okay?''

''Yeah, just... cold.'' Robbe mumbled, silently cursing at himself for lying to him once again. He wasn't cold at all, even though it was the midst of winter and the fresh wind of the beach kept waving through his curls. In fact, he was boiling hot, his entire body feeling like it had been set on fire by Sander's influence only. And that was the whole problem. If Sander only knew how Robbe felt, sitting here next to him like this. 

''Here.'' Sander moved himself up even further, taking off his leather jacket as he scooched over closer, wrapping it around Robbe's skinny shoulders. Fuck, there it was again. That shot of electricity, those endless butterflies in his stomach, the way his heart fluttered non-stop and seemed to fall down and reach back up like waves crashing in his chest constantly. The scent of his bold cologne immediately settled around him, the same smell that had mended into his sweater all those days ago, feeling safe and warm beneath the fabric and secretly wishing he'd never have to take it off ever again. Sander watched him, covered underneath, as he bit down on his lip, the corner of his mouth raised slightly. His eyes turned soft- sweet, almost, as he observed him sitting there like that, consumed by his jacket that was way too big for him. His eyes twinkled, licking his lips, staring into Robbe's eyes for a little longer than he usually already would.

He swore he saw him taking a glance at his lips for a second. But it was too quick to be sure.

Sander shook his head quickly, taking his gaze away and clearing his throat, as he said: ''Should we, eh... just go to our room? It's getting pretty late, anyway.''

Robbe nodded, feeling himself grow nervous as he knew exactly what was about to come. ''Sure, let's do that.''

**Saturday, 23:52**

This must have been the most nerve-wrecking thing Robbe had ever experienced. He had lied down next to Sander many times before- their legs interwined and their heads resting on each other's chests being the most normal thing to them all those years ago. But right here, right now, the both of them standing on different sides of the bed, shuffling on their feet all nervously as they just didn't know how to act or what to do, things suddenly were very different from how they used to be. It was insane what time could do to a life that once felt so stable and a friendship that once felt so meaningful. It was no more than a far, long gone history right now.

''So.'' Sander pressed his lips together, shrugging his shoulders as he watched Robbe standing on the other end, as far away from him as possible.

Robbe nodded, observing the bed, the carpet floor, the window- anything but Sander. ''So.''

It wasn't like he didn't want this, though. His nerves weren't because he was dreading it, they were nerves from suspense, the distressing wait now finally being over, and the inevitable of having to share a bed with Sander now, at last, having reached its happening point. He had been thinking about it non-stop ever since Britt had offered the idea and Sander had instantly agreed with it, showing no sign of doubt or hesitation, once again appearing to be all in on whatever this thing was, giving literally anything to be able to make this thing seem believable. Or at least, that's what he thought it was about. Because then afterwards, at the campfire, the entire situation with his friends made him slightly doubt otherwise. But again, there was no way. Sander didn't actually want him or see him in that way. Yet, that didn't make Robbe feel any differently about him, in fact, he somehow fell in deeper and deeper every single time their eyes crossed.

Robbe was so fucking stupid for diving into all of this. Yet, he couldn't stop himself from sinking even further. Neither did he want to.

Sander put a hand on the back of his neck, caressing his own hair, as he added: ''I can sleep on the floor, if you want. It's not like they're gonna see, anyw-''

''You can sleep on the bed.'' The blonde glanced up at him, his eyes wide, just as surprised from Robbe's instant reply as much as the brunet was himself, too. He swallowed, putting the hand on his neck in his pocket, as he parted his lips, closing them again right after, almost as if he wasn't sure what to say.

''You sure?''

Robbe nodded. As unsure as he was about this entire situation, he couldn't have been more sure about this thing right here, wanting to feel that safety of being close to him again, even if it didn't have the same meaning towards Sander. He just missed it so much, and even if none of it was real or meant the same way it was all those years ago, Robbe couldn't help but long for it again, to be close to his touch, his presence, his warmth. The way he had always made him feel at home just by being next to him. Just... the way he was. ''Yeah, it's fine.''

''Okay.''

Sander tugged at the ends of his leather jacket he had put on again once Robbe had shyly given it back when going inside, taking it off and hanging it over the end of the bed, undoing the shoelaces of his combat boots right after, to end up with his hands on the hem of his shirt, his fingertips grabbing ahold of it. Robbe never moved a muscle, just observing how he got ready for all of this, even though it really wasn't all that special - to Sander, that was -, feeling his heart clench of nerves in his chest as he suddenly realized what Sander was about to do, his shirt already lifted up slightly. 

''What are you doing?''

Sander frowned, stopping midway, watching Robbe with a questionable look. ''I'm... taking off my shirt? It's way too hot to sleep wearing two.''

Ah. Of course he wore two and didn't intend on sleeping next to him completely shirtless. Robbe truly was such an idiot for ever thinking Sander wanted to take things _that_ far. 

''Oh.''

''What?''

''Nothing.''

The blonde snorted, seeming to realize what Robbe had expected to happen instead. He let go of the hem again, making his shirt drop back down, a big grin covering his already flawless face. His eyes twinkled, as he asked: ''Did you actually think I was gonna sleep next to you without any clothes on?''

Robbe shrugged. ''I don't know, I guess I didn't know what to expect.''

''I know I'm full of surprises, but I wouldn't just strip down in front of you.'' Sander replied, letting out another soft laugh as Robbe did the same, feeling his cheeks burn and trying to wave away the fact Sander knew he had expected him to do differently, _more,_ and just hoping he didn't read something into it. There definitely was something to read into, though, more than he knew, but he really didn't want him to find out just before they were supposed to share a bed together. He supposed that would've been quite awkward, considering the way Sander really didn't feel the same way about him. 

The boy moved his long fingers back to the edge of his shirt, digging them underneath as he tugged it off over his head, messing up his already fluffy locks in an even more perfect way. His white bottom shirt lifted up a bit, slightly revealing his tanned and very muscular stomach to him, as it fell back down when he lowered his arms again. He moved a hand through his hair, pulling the soft strand that fell down onto his forehead back up, shaking his head a bit to make it all fall back into place. God, he made everything look so simple yet so _fucking_ alluring, almost as if it all occured in slow-motion, making the rest of the world around them pause as if everyone and everything needed to take a few seconds to stop and stare at him. No other exhibition in any museum could possibly ever be more interesting than he was. It was crazy and _so_ ridiculously unfair how the past four years had somehow made him even more attractive than he always already had been.

''What about you?'' He suddenly asked, as he moved his hands to his belt, undoing it as he kept watching him to wait for the boy's reply, taking Robbe out of his embarrassed blush and bringing him back to reality.

He didn't even process his question. Not when Sander was quite literally _still_ partly undressing himself in front of him. ''Hm?''

''What are you wearing to bed?'' Sander pointed at his hoodie, letting out a scoff. ''I mean... isn't that sweater too hot, as well?''

''I'm not wearing a shirt underneath, so I guess I have to.''

''You could always wear mine.'' Silence fell for a few seconds, as both Robbe but also the blonde himself seemed to realize what words had just fallen off of his lips. He wanted him to wear his shirt to bed? Moreover- he felt _comfortable_ with that? Not that Robbe didn't want to, in fact, he swore his heart had stopped beating at this point, suddenly yearning to wear it and bury himself into his familiar warmth and safe scent, but he figured it would all be a bit too much. Apparently, Sander thought of that a lot differently. ''Shit, that was weird. I mean- if... if you would want to-''

''I'd like that.''

Sander's eyebrows raised a bit, his eyes showing clear surprise. ''You would?''

Robbe nodded. ''Yeah.''

''Okay.''

Quietness filled the room once again, as Sander bowed himself over the bed and handed out his shirt towards him. Robbe reached out for it, his fingertips brushing his as he took it from him, sending a jolt down his spine he wasn't possibly able to ignore. The fabric felt soft against his hands, soothing in a way that he couldn't wait to put it on already. They locked eyes shortly, sending each other a sheepish, somewhat uncomfortable smile, the both of them not sure what this meant, not to themselves, neither to the other. Robbe tugged at the hem of his sweater, dragging it off of his body, to reveal his complete bare chest to the boy standing in front of him. He couldn't help but want to see what Sander thought of it, of him, and find out how it made him feel to see him like this again after all those years. So he glanced up at him through his eyelashes, finding the boy watching him, pupils dilated and lips parted, swallowing hard as he suddenly found his eyes. He didn't look away, though. Instead, he unabashadely kept observing him, from up, all the way down, biting down his lower lip, his eyes then locking themselves on something in specific after a few minutes had passed.

''You're still wearing the necklace?'' He asked, voice small.

''Hm?''

Sander pointed his finger up at Robbe's neck, a little down towards his chest. ''The angel necklace I gave you. You still wear it?''

Robbe looked down at his chest to find the most familiar piece of jewelry he had never taken off ever since that moment four years ago. Ironically, yes, he still wore it, every single moment of every single day. Even after everything that had happened between him and the guy that had once given it to him. Because he couldn't possibly ever take it off. He figured that if Sander didn't protect him like he had always promised, something else had to, instead. And he thought that had always been the intention it had been given to him with, anyway. Next to that, it was just insanely beautiful, as well, and he couldn't help but feel connected to it somehow, as if it had always been the last piece of attachment he had still had to the blonde boy that now stood in front of him, keeping his safe distance.

''Eh, yeah,'' Robbe stammered, his voice hoarse. Apparently it still meant something to Sander, as well, or else he wouldn't have asked, or noticed, for that matter. ''I've always worn it ever since you gave it to me.''

Sander scoffed, almost inaudible, sincere disbelief crossing his eyes. ''Seriously?''

''Yeah.''

''Why?''

The brunet shrugged. ''Because... something has to protect me, right?''

Sander looked down at the carpet, suddenly avoiding Robbe's look. He clearly had touched a sensitive spot with that one. ''Right.''

He didn't go into it any further, pretty much ignoring him and his presence for the rest of the moment, as the both of them made themselves completely ready for bed. Even when Robbe put on his shirt, covering his chest and drowning in the size and scent of it, Sander never looked back. Not even for a second.

They both settled down underneath the white sheets, as far away from each other as possible, lying back to back to simply not face one another. Robbe hadn't been the one to insist that, though. It was Sander who suddenly, constantly tried everything to avoid him in any form possible. Maybe the entire necklace thing meant more to him than Robbe had always thought it did. Maybe the intention he thought it had, had been different when he had first given it to him. But even though he suddenly had all of these questions, this unexpected uncertainty about that one moment that had changed the way he felt for Sander once and for all... it didn't really look like Sander felt like discussing it any further. In fact, maybe he even was a bit emotional from seeing it still hanging around Robbe's neck, not having expected he still cared enough to do so four years later. 

''Sander?'' Robbe asked, staring at the wall in front of him,

''Yeah?''

''Why didn't you?''

A few quiet seconds passed. ''Why didn't I what?'' 

''Protect me.''

Sander sighed, shifting himself to the edge a little further. ''Because... faith got in the way.''

Robbe kept observing the white wall, wondering what faith could've done differently if only it had been in their favor back then. Maybe right now, there wouldn't have been a distance like this. Maybe, instead, there wouldn't have been a distance at all. ''I wish faith had been different.''

''Yeah.'' Sander scoffed softly. ''Not all wishes come true.''

Ouch. All of this, the way Sander had reacted to his necklace, the way he seemed to want to avoid him right after seeing it, the way he was acting so stand-offish right now- it all made Robbe wonder what was going on in his mind, and most importantly, what he wasn't telling him when there clearly was something bothering him, anyway. If there wasn't, he wouldn't have changed his attitude the way he suddenly did right now. He wouldn't have tried to lie as far away from him as he did now even though he had been the one that had offered Robbe to wear his shirt a few minutes ago. He wouldn't have given him these snappy remarks he did now even though he had been the one to agree with wanting to sleep in the same room as him without any sign of hesitation. It didn't make sense. None of it. Not this right here, not the things he said around his friends, not the fact he wanted to be alone with him instead of convincing the others of their relationship whilst sitting close together around the campfire.

If only he was able to read minds, Sander's, to be specific. It would've made things a whole lot easier.

''Goodnight, Robin.''

''Night.''

**Sunday, 02:02**

Robbe hadn't even slept for a second. It had been two hours since they had lied down in bed, as far away from each other as they possibly could, yet, that distance somehow wasn't sufficient to make him feel comfortable enough to fall asleep next to him. Again, it wasn't that he didn't want to. It actually made him feel more than he dared to admit, lying here wearing the boy's shirt, next to him like this while the rain peacefully dropped against the window, and despite the distance, being closer than they had been for a long time. But everything surrounding it- the way Sander acted around Jens, the way he didn't care about sleeping in the same room as him, the way he asked for some alone time with him and then eventually the way he had reacted so strangely when he had seen Robbe's necklace. It just didn't make any sense, not when all of this was supposed to just be a way to get his ex to leave him alone, it all not being that serious or deep at all. And even though it had never been that simple to Robbe, he figured it had always been much easier for the boy currently lying down next to him. But then why was he acting this way today? What wasn't he telling him and clearly hiding something because he didn't feel like going into it any further? Robbe's thoughts spinned around on full-speed, not being able to stop, as he kept overthinking and reading more into this entire situation than he probably should've done.

Then, completely sudden and unexpected, he felt a hand reaching out for his face, fingers carefully and barely palpable playing with the strands of his brown, curly hair out of nowhere, his body stiffening from the unforeseen choice of action. He hadn't even felt or heard Sander move, neither did he notice him turning around to face him. But _this-_ Sander playing with his hair, probably thinking he was fast asleep as he kept his eyes closed, was a gesture he hadn't seen coming at all. As he felt the boy continuing whatever it was, he doubted whether or not he should make a remark about it, show him he was in fact awake and that he was - clearly, against Sander's expectations - very aware of what he was currently doing. At first, he thought of just enjoying his touch, letting him do whatever he wanted to do and not ruin this moment by letting him know he was awake. But then, a few seconds later, he figured that maybe... this was the right moment to dig a little deeper, make use of this apparent vulnerable side of him and ask him whatever was going on in his mind. The least he could do was try. 

''What are you doing?'' 

Sander instantly stopped moving, taking his hand back in a whim.

''Wha- I... nothing.'' He stammered, seeing him move back to his own side of the bed as he finally opened up his eyes, quite clearly being unsettled by the fact he just did that without being a hundred percent sure Robbe was sleeping. ''Sorry.''

''Don't be.'' Robbe said, his voice hoarse, making Sander stop his movements. He bit down on his lip, watching the emptiness between them that Sander had just left behind, wanting him to come back, and secretly never wanting him to stop whatever he was doing, either. He swallowed, resting his head on his both hands, folding them up underneath his face. ''You can go on, if... if you want.''

The blonde blinked rapidly, a bit unsettled by his unexpected reaction. ''Yeah?''

''Yeah.''

Sander stayed in place for a few seconds, as if he needed time to let Robbe's reply sink in, seemingly not having expected the fact that Robbe could've actually liked this. Evidently, the suspicion Robbe thought Sander had about his feelings for him, wasn't as present, his desire apparently not being as obvious as he thought it was. He blinked another few times, before slowly moving himself towards him again and coming to a halt right in the middle of the mattress. He reached out his hand, observing Robbe's face sheepishly as he watched him, too, before placing his hand in his hair once again, letting his fingers cradle down the locks over and over again. His eyes took him in completely while he did so- not just his hair, but even his cheeks, his ears, his nose, his jawline... to eventually end up studying his lips, back to his brown eyes. Robbe had no clue why Sander was doing this, or why he suddenly felt like it even though he had been so stand-offish right before they had gone to sleep. He didn't know what had changed, he didn't even know what the boy was thinking. All he knew, was that there were millions of butterflies rushing through his chest right now, lying here in the boy's shirt, being caressed by his big hands as if he was crafting a new piece of art, no other sound than the collision of their breaths and the soft ticks of the droplets of rain falling against the big window. And the two of them couldn't stop staring at each other.

Robbe couldn't help but get a bit nostalgic, the touch of Sander's fingertips against the skin on his forehead remembering him about all those moments when they were younger when the blonde could never stop touching his hair, saying the feeling was addictive as he had never felt such softness ever before. He had always apologized for sounding like a complete weirdo, not wanting his friend to think he was a creep or felt more for him than just being his best friend- but Robbe had never seen it that way. He had always told him wrong, convinced him he felt otherwise. He didn't care if it was something other guys their age didn't do. He didn't care they were closer than most friends were. He had simply always adored it. Everything he did. Every single god damn thing.

He couldn't help but smile, as he quietly said: ''You know... this reminds me of the sleepovers we used to have.''

Sander moved his head back slightly, the corner of his mouth raising. ''Why? Because I'd play with your hair?''

''No, well, yes,'' Robbe closed his eyes for a second as he felt Sander's ring brush his cheek, the cold metal leaving his heart fluttering, sending a shiver down his spine. ''But mostly because you'd never fall asleep quickly.''

''Yeah.'' The blonde let out a soft breath through his nose, grinning as he looked down between them. He looked back up, his eyes twinkling as he tucked a curl behind his ear, answering: ''Somehow I always had a hard time falling asleep next to you.''

''Why? Was it that bad?''

''No,'' Sander swallowed, his fingertips now also caressing his forehead, down to his cheek, whispering: ''I just didn't want time to pass too quickly.''

''Oh.'' He watched him as he worked his way down his face all concentrated, looking ever so beautiful right here underneath the white sheets, his bleached hair lighted up by the moonlight. To say he was just beautiful was an understatement, really, as he lied there right next to him, blinking his green eyes behind his long lashes, looking like a painted masterpiece that could drive the artist himself insane if he ever realized he could never create anything nearly as perfect as the way he looked himself. He was beautiful beyond comprehension, and Robbe couldn't possibly tear his gaze away. ''Do you want time to pass quickly now?''

''No. Yes. I don't know.'' The alluring boy answered, brushing his cheek against the mattress. ''You?''

Robbe stayed quiet, knowing the exact answer to his question. Of course he didn't. He wished they could stay like this forever, drown in him until the sun came up and dove back down again. He wished he could hold him and never be separated from him ever again, not needing anything else but him as one look in his eyes reminded him of what coming home felt like. It was Sander. It had always been Sander. ''I don't know.''

But even though Robbe knew exactly what he wanted, there never being another answer than the boy lying down next to him, things were different than they used to be right now. He wasn't sure if he was the same person he'd always been. He wasn't sure what Sander felt for him or thought of him, as he never opened up about it. All he knew, was that he treated him differently, yet somehow also exactly the same. It made him go crazy- the endless 'Robin's', even though he'd always called him 'Robbie' when they were younger, the weird remarks and strange behavior considering Jens, the playing with his hair without giving him any reason or sign why, whatsoever, the constant switch between hating him and then treating him as if their friendship had never even ended, possibly all for the cause that was his ex-girlfriend, maybe not even meaning any single thing about it all. And right here, right now, he couldn't help himself but make actual use of his vulnerable self, in need of answers, in need of clarity, not being able to hold back asking at least one question any longer.

''Sander?''

''Hm-m?''

He studied Sander's eyes, whose were still scanning all of his features without any sign of restraint, acting as if it was the most normal gesture in the entire world. ''Why do you call me 'Robin'?''

The boy frowned. ''It's just a nickname, I don't really know.'' He took his hand back, his movements jerking as he slowly lied it down underneath his own face, uncertainty crossing his eyes, almost as if Robbe's question had taken him out of the trance he had just been stuck in. ''Do you... not like it?''

Robbe shook his head. ''No, that's not it, I'm just... not used to you calling me that.''

''I'm not used to you calling me 'Sander' constantly, either.''

Silence fell. He was right. Robbe had never called him by his full name all of those years ago. He'd always call him ''San'', wanting to be different, wanting to show him he was special to him in a way. He had always figured that was Sander's reason for calling him nicknames, too. And ever since last week, hearing him call him ''Robin'' as if he had always done that, it just felt... strange. It felt like he knew it was. It felt like Sander was very aware of it being different, as if he wanted to show him that everything between them was different now, too. But then again, Robbe did the exact same. Because everything _was_ different. They weren't the same Robbe and Sander they had been back then, when he touched his hair at sleep-overs, when they fell asleep with their legs intertwined, when their arms and hands brushed together while watching Sander's favorite movies. Right now, that was all nothing more than just their history. 

Robbe felt himself getting emotional, closing his eyes as he moved back a bit, away from Sander, mumbling: ''Let's just... go to sleep.''

The blonde watched him for a second, regret flashing through his eyes as he then moved away himself, too, his hoarse voice replying a soft: ''Okay.''

''Night.''

Sander sighed, lying back on his pillow, but never turning around. He kept facing him, studying his face from afar, as he finally added an almost inaudible: ''Night, _Robbie.''_

**Sunday, 7:23**

Woken up by the bright rays of sunlight finding their way in through the thin curtains, Robbe opened up his eyes, slowly but surely coming back to earth. His eyes quickly found Sander, lying down next to him, never having seen him _this_ peaceful and angelic ever before. His hand was buried underneath his pillow, as he lied on top of it with parted lips, them closing and opening constantly as he seemed to be dreaming, still far, far asleep as his chest moved up and down in calm motions, his eyelashes shaking from the images currently playing in his mind. Robbe couldn't help but stare at him for a while, lying there like the definition of beauty, almost as if he was a sunset- he couldn't do anything else but watch him in awe, observe him unfold, becoming more pretty as the seconds passed. It wasn't until then when he noticed Sander's other hand, suddenly feeling the weight of it on his body as he realized it was hanging over his shoulder, down to his neck, clinging onto him and keeping him close, the boy having shifted back to the middle of the mattress to be able to reach out for him. Robbe felt his heart swell, biting his lip as he grew weak underneath the boy's touch, never wanting to wake him up or leave the bed, just to be able to stay here and watch him endlessly. He wished there was an actual thought behind this, a meaning for Sander, too, but he knew there wasn't. He knew he was probably used to sleeping next to Britt, keeping her close every morning when he woke up, being used to the fact he always had someone to hold onto. Robbe sighed, carefully grabbing Sander's hand and moving it down, back onto the mattress. He kept his hand in that spot for a little while longer, covering Sander's as he felt his palm touching his skin, goosebumps raising over his arms and legs as he realized _he was holding his hand,_ being closer to him than ever before. Or at least, for over the longest time. 

He moved himself backwards, throwing the sheets off of him as he walked towards the bathroom, quickly turning himself around before entering to take one last look at the sleeping beauty, smiling softly as he saw him having his hand spread out on Robbe's side of the bed now, desperately trying to find him back, missing someone to cling onto. And even though Robbe was incredibly tempted to hop back in and let him be held, he knew he couldn't. Not when he knew it didn't mean anything to Sander, anyway.

As he stood in the bathroom, drying his hair after taking a long, hot shower, his upper body still dripping wet and the only thing covering him being his towel wrapped around his waist, Robbe studied himself in the blurry mirror, the moments that had happened last night constantly on replay in his mind. So much happened, that it was even too much to fully process. The thing with Jens, the stargazing, the moment he noticed his necklace, him playing with his hair because he thought he was fast asleep... all of it ending with the fact that Sander was pretty much wrapped up in him as he woke up the next morning. He didn't understand any of it. Neither did he know what it all meant to Sander, even though the chances were quite high that it didn't mean anything at all. Maybe this was just the way Sander was now. Confusing, a closed book that didn't want to be read, one of those people who didn't speak about their feelings because they'd rather keep them to themselves. Sander had never been that person around him. But he figured that the last four years had been enough to change him in ways Robbe never thought he would. 

He messed up his wet hair a bit more, throwing the towel he used onto the floor and getting ready to take off the one wrapped around his waist and use it to dry his upper body. Just as his hands found the edge, the bathroom's door wiped opened, shaking Robbe to his core as he turned around quickly, finding Sander who stared at him with widened eyes.

''Oh, _fuck-_ I'm _so_ sorry-'' He threw the door shut again immediately, hearing him curse a low ''shit'' as he probably walked himself back to the bed, most likely still having been in too much of a sleeping haze to remember he shared this room with Robbe, and that the chances were quite high he located himself in the bathroom if he wasn't lying next to him in bed anymore. 

And Robbe would lie if he said his legs hadn't suddenly gotten very weak right now. He looked at himself in the mirror, realizing Sander had _seen_ him like this, completely soaked and half-naked, blood rushing to his cheeks instantly, breathless as his heart pounded out of his chest. What was he supposed to do now? He could get dressed, walk back and pretend like nothing had happened, but... he could also try him out, and see what happened if he tested his limits. He figured that if he didn't know who Sander was and how he felt now, and if he wasn't ever gonna tell him either, there was only one way to find out. He grabbed his jeans from the floor, putting them on together with his courage as he kept the other pieces of clothing in his arms, taking them back with him to the room without putting them on just yet. His upper body was still dripping wet, his hair, too- as he opened up the bathroom door, walking himself back into the room. 

He walked himself past Sander, who had lied himself back on the bed. ''You... you could use the bathroom now, if you want.''

The blonde looked up from his phone, his eyes finding Robbe - his body, more specifically - staring at him continuously whilst swallowing hard as the boy came to a halt in front of the mirror. ''Okay.''

Robbe grabbed his angel pendant necklace from the desk, which he always took off when taking a shower to prevent it from breaking, as he undid it and moved it around his neck, the pendant wiggling over his bare chest, somehow not being able to put it on correctly. As he looked into the mirror, seeing Sander still watch him from behind, he suddenly understood why it was so hard for him, barely able to function right now.

''Do you need help with that?'' Sander asked, seeming to notice his incapability, moving himself off of the sheets and walking towards him. 

''Yeah, I... I can't seem to lock it.''

Sander scoffed, taking the necklace from Robbe's hands as he stood behind him, their fingers brushing past each other. ''No wonder, your hands are shaking like crazy.''

Of course they were. It was like time stopped as he felt Sander's presence this close to his back. He invaded all of his senses, simply by standing this close to him without touching him just yet. He stood so near, that Robbe could feel his warm breath clashing against his bare skin and smell his bold cologne as it blew past his nose, goosebumps raising everywhere as the feeling destabilized him, silencing his thoughts completely. No wonder his hands were shaking. He couldn't even think straight standing here like this, the world around them seeming to slow down with every inch that Sander came closer. ''Yeah.''

''Why do you take it off when you shower?''

''Because I... I don't want to ruin it.''

''You don't?''

Robbe could feel Sander's fingers brushing past his skin as he put on the chain, closing it down and resting his hands on his shoulders. The feeling suddenly made him all nostaglic again, reminding him of the exact moment he had once fallen for him, so fucking deep, never being able to get out ever again. The brunet swallowed, adrenaline rushing through his veins as he shook his head, watching the both of them in the mirror. ''No.''

''Why not?''

''Because, it's- it's... I don't know.''

Sander nodded, moving his thumb past the lock, his index finger brushing past Robbe's neck, as he whispered: ''There you go.''

The boy swallowed, seeing Sander step even closer and bow down a bit, slowly but surely resting his forehead against the back of Robbe's head. ''Thank you.''

His heart thumped in his chest, as he felt Sander's fingers draw patterns on his neck, his nose brushing past his skin. He slowly moved his hand to his shoulder, grabbing ahold of it and digging his fingers into his clavicle slightly, as he moved his face down to the right, his lips brushing past the skin of Robbe's shoulder blade. Robbe closed his eyes, feeling the tension rise, biting down his lower lip to release the pleasure it made him feel and sensing warmth bubble up in his stomach. He opened them up again, to find Sander still buried into his skin, continuing to move his lips past his shoulder, before he finally looked up at him through his long eyelashes, finding his gaze in their reflection. Robbe nearly forgot to breathe, his heart a ticking bomb. His fingers moved down his arm together with the droplets of water still left on his body, making him shiver like crazy, before he ended up down at his hand, intertwining their pinkies together. Sander had never looked this tempting, holding him like this, watching him like this, his eyes dark, his lips parted. God, the way he wanted to turn around and kiss him so fucking badly right now. More than just that. He wanted to get completely _lost_ into him. 

The sound of his buzzing phone then unexpectedly took the both of them back to the room surrounding them, as Sander immediately let go of his shoulder and his hand, taking a step back and moving a hand through his hair. The both of them cleared their throats, as Robbe mumbled a quiet: ''Shit...''

He slipped his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it as he read the message.

''Who is it?'' Sander asked, having sat himself back down on the sheets.

''It's Jens.''

The boy scoffed, shaking his head and rolling his eyes as he watched the carpet beneath their feet. ''Of course it is.''

And there it was again. Sander turning around his mood completely as soon as the name Jens dropped, or whenever anything happened that was against his liking in general. What was his _freaking_ problem? And why didn't he just tell him if it bothered him so much?

''Sander?''

''Hm?''

''What is your problem with Jens?''

The boy raised his eyebrows, eyes numb. ''I don't have a problem with Jens.''

''Right.''

''Why do you think I do?''

Robbe threw his hands into the air. ''Oh, I don't know. Because you're acting like a total asshole when he's around, because you roll your eyes every time I mention him. And last night, at the campfire? I'm not stupid, I know you only... touched my hair like that because Jens did, too.''

''If you've got me all figured out anyway, then why do you even ask?''

''Because I don't. I don't understand anything.''

Sander scoffed, widening his eyes. ''Oh, so this is about other things too, then?''

''Well, it's not like you've ever given me an explanation about the past four years, have you?''

He shook his head, standing up from the bed as he walked himself to his shoes, putting them on and fixing the laces. Of course he was getting ready to walk away again. It's what he always did, and what he had always done. ''That's a bit rich, coming from you.''

''What the _fuck_ does that mean?'' Robbe noticed himself raising his voice, being done with this entire thing where Sander just kept being this vague without ever telling him anything. 

''Nothing, just leave it.''

''Sure, let's just ignore everything again and pretend like nothing has happened.''

Sander stood up straight, squinting his eyes as he replied: ''You know what, Robbe? Maybe you should look into that mirror one more time and think about what it was _you_ did during those past four years, instead of judging me.''

Robbe looked at him with utter disbelief. ''Oh, so you're blaming _me_ now?''

''No, I'm just saying it's a bit unfair to put this all on me even though you never even stepped up to me to ask me why I stopped talking to you.''

''I texted you.''

''And I blocked you.''

''Why?''

''Because I was done with you, Robbe.'' Sander said, his voice loud, affecting Robbe more than he thought it would, a sting moving down his body. _Ouch._ The boy shook his head and sighed, as a way quieter voice continued: ''I was done being treated as someone on the side simply because someone else suddenly became more important to you than I was.''

_What?_ Who did he mean by ''someone else''? Robbe had never seen anyone else as more important than him, neither did he replace him with anyone. Sander had always been the one to cut things off. And even though Robbe knew this, the feeling of him being the one who messed this all up bubbled up in his chest again, worrying that Sander might've finally been honest for once. What if he was right? What if Robbe had indeed been the one to cause all of this, and not him?

''What?''

Sander scoffed, his tongue moving past the inside of his cheek. ''You still don't understand, do you?''

''I- no.'' Robbe answered, his voice small and vulnerable, feeling so extremely guilty for not knowing what Sander meant with all of this. 

''Maybe you should ask the guy who you're gonna ditch me for once again.'' The blonde said, throwing on his leather jacket and walking himself to the entrance of their room. ''I'm done with this entire fucking thing, anyway. It's over.''

He threw the door opened and walked himself out, closing it behind him with a loud bang that surely woke up everyone else in the cottage, too. 

Fuck. Robbe had really ruined everything now. And apparently, he hadn't just ruined this. He had ruined their entire friendship to begin with.

**Monday, 01:03**

**Monday, 8:37**

As Robbe walked himself to his locker, tired from the lack of sleep over the weekend and the amount of stress and guilt he'd felt the entirety of Sunday, he had never felt this shitty about himself. Yesterday had been the first time Sander had opened up to him about something, the first time he had been honest about things he felt- and Robbe hadn't even understood him. He hadn't even tried at first, simply because he already decided for himself that Sander was the bad guy in all of this the same way he always had. He figured out a few seconds later that he wasn't- that maybe he was right, and that Robbe indeed was the one who messed this all up- but it had been too late already. All of it had always been too late. Everything. The text Robbe had sent him all those years ago to ask why they never talked anymore, as well.

Because it finally all made sense to him. Robbe _had_ replaced him. As soon as they had entered high school, they both were classified into different classes, separated from one another, not seeing each other as often as they usually did any longer. And that's where it all went wrong. Because that's when Robbe met Jens. And that's when Robbe completely, utterly dropped him without ever realizing he did. Slowly but surely, Robbe skipped him for Jens, more and more over the weeks, forgetting about him as he connected with Jens in a new way he hadn't been used to with Sander. And he had been so fucking stupid for never noticing just how badly Sander got hurt by it. Because Robbe had always thought Sander did the same- meeting new people, making new friends, spending his time on new connections he made in the class Robbe unfortunately didn't get classified into. But he never had. And Robbe never knew. Simply because he had never been interested or caring enough to ask.

No wonder Sander had blocked him. If he didn't even walk up to him to talk to him anymore, he surely wasn't gonna waste any time on answering him on something as unpersonal as a Whatsapp message.

Robbe had fucked it all up. It had always been him, it had always been _his god damn fault._ And he was the biggest fucking idiot for needing four years to find that out. 

All he knew, was that he had to find Sander and apologize to him, talk to him, and tell him he wished it had all gone differently. That _he_ had been different, different from who he was now. He knew it probably wasn't gonna change things for the better, it surely wasn't gonna make up for the mess he had once made, but at least it was something. He _had_ to do something. He couldn't possibly do otherwise.

He walked up to the corner of the hallway, seeing Sander stand by his locker. He looked gorgeous as always- guilt immediately rushing through his chest as he remembered the conversation they had had about faith, together with all the moments they had shared together in the bed that wonderful night. _Not all wishes come true._ Little did Robbe know just how much that sentence had meant to Sander.

He closed his eyes for a second, collecting the courage he needed to do this, as he sighed to himself and fisted his hands. He nodded, opening up his eyes again, as he stepped into his direction, coming to a halt again right away as he noticed the boy being gone. He frowned, looking around the hallway to see where he had gone.

His heart sunk into his shoes, down beneath the ground, so deep that he didn't even feel it beating any more. He found him. On the other side of the hallway. Britt's side.

And there he was, standing against the cold metal they had been standing against today a week ago. Instead this time, he wasn't kissing him.

_He was kissing Britt._

**Monday, 14:15**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii lovelies!
> 
> it's been a while. i'm so sorry for taking a week longer with this one. i had a rough week last week and i didn't want the chapter to get less interesting because of that. this is a LONG one. i hope you enjoy it as it is one of my favorites for many reasons hihi. please let me know what you liked or what you expect to happen in the next chapter. i keep saying it but your comments and asks really keep me motivated and going strong with this fic. spending my time on it really is so worth it <33 
> 
> leave a comment here or send me a message on my tumblr: sobbefairytales. i also have instagram now with the same url!!!
> 
> lots of love, a. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Monday, 19:53**

Five hours. It had been five hours since Sander had posted the picture with Britt, the post Robbe had never expected to be posted, the literal confirmation that they were done- completely over, even though Sander had already made that quite clear just before he had left their shared bedroom back on Sunday morning. Robbe felt like he was in a whirlwind, a tornado at this point- a tornado of events, a tornado of feelings, all of them somehow being connected to the same one boy that had stepped back into his life without a warning two weeks ago. No wonder he had suddenly jumped out of this so quickly, even if he was so determined about keeping this entire thing going to prove his girlfriend a point a few days ago. All of this really was about _Jens,_ his _best friend,_ and the way Robbe had become friends with him right after attending high school. The hateful remarks, the despicable looks he gave him when they passed each other in the hallways, the constant ignorning for the past four years- all of it had been something _Robbe_ caused without ever realizing that he did. It had never been his intention to let Sander go, he had never wanted to. And the thing was. that he _did_ have a reason for his actions, more than he first thought he did, but it had just taken him a while to let it all sink in, to realize what it was he had unknowingly done, before he had been able to give him a fair explanation for it all. But it was too late now. Sander had already made up his mind, and apparently, seeing the choice he had made today, it didn't include Robbe at all.

A knock on his door took him out of his thoughts, back to his bed he had been lying on ever since he came home, unable to do anything other than thinking of Sander. ''Robbe? There's someone here who wants to see you.''

Well, of _fucking_ course Milan let the boy in anyway, even though he had asked him, practically begged him to do the contrary if he would ever decide to come by. He didn't want to speak to Sander right now, he didn't even want to see him to begin with. He knew he was the one who fucked this all up at first, that he was the one who had eventually caused all of this right now, too- but still. He really didn't feel like seeing the guy who'd dropped him like this and hurt him where it hurt most by posting a picture with the one person Robbe had tried so hard for to help him with and secretly wanted to replace so badly. Because that was the entire point. Sander posted this because he _knew_ Robbe would see it. He _wanted_ him to be hurt by it. And maybe that was the worst thing out of it all.

''Milan, I fucking told you that if he came by, I didn't want you to let him i-'' Robbe started, ready to stand up from his bed and slam the door shut right into the guy's face, being left unsettled as it opened and revealed a different boy to him than the one he had expected to stand on the threshold right now. Relief rushed through his veins, seeing another familiar face he, ironically, may have actually needed really badly right now. _''Jens?''_

The boy smiled softly as he stepped his way inside, his hands buried in the pockets of his baggy jeans as he mumbled a quiet: ''Hey.''

''Hi?'' Robbe didn't really know why the boy was currently standing inside his room, not having received any texts from him to announce that he would be. A weird feeling bubbled up inside his chest as he thought back to Sander's words: _Someone else suddenly became more important to you than I was._ And here he was, back with that someone, confirming Sander's feelings even though he had never gotten the chance to explain to him that it _wasn't_ like that. It never had been. 

''Thanks for listening, Milan. You're such a great housemate, Milan...''

Robbe snorted at his housemate's words, rolling his eyes as he said: ''Thanks, Milan. I appreciate it.''

''You're welcome, drama queen.''

As Milan closed the bedroom door behind him, he left the two boys completely on their own, the only other companion being the dead silence that filled up the room right now. Robbe bit on the inside of his cheek, sensing some kind of restraint with Jens, as if he wanted to say something but just didn't know how to- and maybe a part of him didn't even dare to. ''To what do I owe this pleasure?''

''I... saw Sander's post.'' Jens stammered, squinting his eyes as if he knew this could go two ways- Robbe would either straight up get mad at him for starting a conversation about it since he had clearly never wanted to, or he would finally, for once confide in him, tell him about all that was going on and his own feelings regarding the situation that was Sander, and at last leave the mask he had been keeping up for two weeks straight to open up to the one person who'd never treat him the way Sander was currently doing.

''Oh.''

''And I figured that... maybe it was about time you finally started telling me things.'' Jens had clearly already made the choice for him, and somehow, Robbe was glad that he did. Because he had a fair point- it was about time he opened up and stopped listening to Sander, ignoring the fact he didn't want him to tell anyone. Robbe was stronger than that. He didn't care about what it was Sander wanted, not anymore after earlier today, at least. ''Fuck, Robbe. Did the guy just actually ditch you for his ex after a _week?''_

Robbe sighed, staring at his hands on his lap. ''No... I mean, yes...''

''You know you can just tell me, right? I don't mind, whatever's going on.''

''I know, that's not the problem.''

''Then what is?'' 

''Not what. _Who.''_ Robbe wasn't sure how to tell him and which parts of the story to mention. All of this obviously included him in some ways, too, and he didn't want to give him the feeling that part of this was his fault. Because it _wasn't,_ Jens had never been the issue here, even though Sander had always felt like he was. There was a different reason, one Robbe hadn't been able to tell, one he needed to tell so badly if he ever wanted to fix this mess. _''I_ _am_ the problem, and apparently I always have been.''

Jens frowned, scoffing loudly as he leaned back against Robbe's wardrobe, crossing both arms. ''What? Sorry, but... my brain can't really fathom how this could possibly be on you.''

''Because it's me who caused all of this bullshit, Jens,'' Robbe groaned, letting himself fall back down on his mattress overly exaggerated. He wiped his slender hands past his face, as if he tried to pull all of the feelings out, desperately staring up at his white ceiling and praying for someone to repair the damage that had already been done. ''What we had wasn't real. None of it was.''

''Wait, _what?''_ Jens pushed himself away from the wardrobe, surprise dripping off of his face as his mouth had dropped opened further than Robbe had ever seen it before. ''Shit, I fucking knew it.''

''What do you mean, you knew?''

''Come on, Robbe. You tell me you hate his guts for forgetting about you and the day after you're suddenly all over him? None of it made sense, neither did the fact you weren't explaining anything to me. You're my best friend, Robbe, I know you better than that.'' Well, maybe he was right. Now that he thought about it, none of it made any sense indeed. He already knew it wasn't that believable, but somehow he had always convinced himself that him and Sander could make it seem that way and pull it all off nevertheless. But of course, the people who knew Robbe better than he knew himself, knew that none of this was something that made sense for Robbe _himself,_ long before he did. There was no way he'd give himself over to someone he apparently ''despised'' so much within the length of a week. There had to be something more behind it. Milan knew, and of course, Jens had known from the second he saw them together, too. 

''I guess you have a fair point.'' Robbe sighed, pushing himself up on his elbow, leaning up on it to glance up at Jens with an innocent look. God, the guy must have felt terrible about it- imagine your best friend not opening up to you about something as huge as this, even though you were very aware something was going on, anyway. Robbe truly kept hurting the people close to him, and it was about time he became more aware of his own actions. ''I'm sorry for not telling you.''

Shrugging it away, Jens pouted his lip, letting out a soft ''nah'', as he continued: ''It's okay, I guess I just wondered why.''

''Because this entire fucking thing is complicated, Jens...'' He groaned, knowing he had to open up about everything now, _wanting_ to let it all out and proving him he indeed regretted not doing it sooner. ''Britt was trying to control him, and I couldn't just do nothing and watch it happen. So I decided to help him and prove her he didn't depend on her. Maybe I thought that all of this would make him understand I still care about him, too.'' 

Jens frowned. ''But why? If you say you hate him so much?''

''Because I don't, Jens,'' Robbe grabbed a handful of sheets, crashing them within his fist, wishing they were his endless feelings for Sander he just wanted to end once and for all. ''I convinced myself that I did, but I don't. It's the contrary, actually.''

''The contrary as in... you actually _do_ like him?''

''I don't just _like_ him,'' He said quietly, letting out a soft breath. He stared at his window, looking at the bright colors outside, instantly feeling a wave of warmth rushing through his body as he reminded himself of the way Sander made him feel. Liking was quite the understatement. Robbe was _consumed_ by him. It was like every time he looked at him, Sander ignited a fire in his body that he wasn't able to put out, growing bigger and bigger as time passed and lighting up life inside of him as the days and weeks went by. He was like a heat wave, sparking him up and making him feel alive even if all he ever did was walking by. Robbe didn't just like him, he was _in love_ with him, deeper, heavier, more intense than he ever had been. ''It's a lot more than just that. Ironically, this whole fake thing only made that feeling worse.''

His best friend snorted. ''I mean, I guess that part was quite obvious.''

''What do you mean?''

''You were drooling all over him all Saturday, there's no way any of that was fake. You're not _that_ good of an actor.''

Robbe groaned, letting himself fall back down again and hiding his face in his pillow, silently cursing at himself for being so obvious that others noticed. Even though it had to be believable, which, apparently it had been to Jens but just not for the right reasons, he didn't want to give into this feeling, even more so right now. ''You're annoying.''

''You just can't stand the fact that I know you very well.'' Jens laughed, sitting himself down next to him on the bed. He intertwined his fingers, resting his arms on his legs as he looked back at him, quietly asking: ''But honestly, Robbe, why didn't you just tell me about this? You know I don't mind whoever you're into.''

''That's not it, Jens...'' Moving back up on his elbow, Robbe played with his own fingernails, trying to fix the mess that was his hair as he avoided Jens' look, about to admit his weakness for the blonde guy, which was so bad that it even prevented him from opening up about it to his _best friend_ out of all people. ''Sander didn't want me to tell you, or anyone, for that matter. He said I couldn't, if we wanted to make this thing believable.''

''Wait- _what?_ So he used you as his fake boyfriend, asking you to not tell anyone, to eventually go back to her anyway?''

Robbe raised his eyebrows, pressing his lips together. It actually did sound quite insane. ''Yeah.''

''Jesus, you didn't lie when you said he's an asshole.'' Was he, though? Robbe knew Sander had been a dick for going back to Britt even after everything he had done to help him, crossing his own boundaries and stepping out of his own comfort zone just to prove him he still cared for him. So yes, Sander was an asshole for treating him like this, _hurting_ him like this even though he didn't deserve that after all he did for him. But still. It had been Robbe who had once taken the first step to cause all of this, and he did once again a little over a week ago when he decided to help him out even though they had never even discussed whatever had happened between them just yet. He hated him for what he did today, but despite of that, he maybe hated himself more for ever doing what he did himself in the first place.

He shook his head, continuing: ''He's not, though, Jens. This is all my fault.''

''How is this _your_ fault?''

''Because I'm the one who caused this mess. Now, and all those years ago.'' He sat back up, placing his hands underneath his legs as he kicked his feet against the side of his bed. Jens expectingly watched his every move, granting him time and space like he always did when they talked, silently wishing him and Sander had the same safety and openness him and Jens had ever since they met. ''I'm the one who ruined our friendship, not him.''

''How's that?''

''Because it was me who did all the things I blamed him for. He never forgot about me. I'm the one who replaced him without even realizing I did.''

''How did you replace him?''

Shit, he _had_ to tell him right now, even though he really didn't want to. None of this had ever been about Jens, and if only Robbe had realized all of this was his fault sooner, he would've gotten the chance to explain to Sander it had never been on him to begin with. Jens never did anything wrong, it had always been Robbe himself. 

''I... you.''

_''Me?''_

''Not that it's your fault, but I was so occupied with our friendship that I forgot about the fact he might not have met someone new, just like I did.'' It wasn't just that. But Jens didn't have to know everything that was going on between him and Sander back then. Sander did, though, but it was probably too late for that now, anyway. 

Jens shook his head, nudging his arm as he clearly didn't agree with whatever he was saying. ''But it's not your fault for making new friends either, Robbe. You can't blame yourself for meeting me and not knowing what was going on in his life when he was in a completely different class than you.''

Robbe shrugged. If only Jens knew just how close they had been before high school, the things they'd do together, the things they'd talk about together. All of it was Robbe's fault, and Sander had all the right to be pissed about it. ''I could've asked.''

''I mean... yeah. But still, we all do things in life we regret later on. It doesn't make it okay for him to use you like this and drop you whenever he feels like it's been enough.''

It was like Robbe's mind kept switching between one point of view and the other. There wasn't one feeling he had about this entire situation, there were so many- on one side Robbe hated himself for ever letting Sander go like this, for not realizing it soon enough to get the chance to explain, for deciding to help Sander out with this even though their relationship wasn't healthy enough to suddenly pretend they were closer than they had ever been before. But on the other, Robbe hated Sander's guts for treating him like this, for not understanding how much this all meant to him, for using him and dropping him when he felt like he didn't want or need him anymore, but most of all, for going back to the one person Robbe wished _he_ was to him, for hurting him where it hurt most and for making him fall for him even more regardless of that. 

''I guess so.''

''I think you should just... let him put in the work now. You've shown him you still care for him, and he pulled a shit move. I get that he might be hurt, but that doesn't make it okay for him to treat you like this.'' Jens put a supporting hand on his shoulder as he squeezed it, moving it to rest it on his back as he said: ''If he really wants this too, then let him prove that to you. If he does, then he will.''

''Yeah,'' He sighed, locking his finger behind his angel pendant necklace that suddenly felt a lot less protective right now. Robbe knew Jens was right. He knew that, regardless of everything that had happened in the past, the thing Sander did today wasn't okay. Not even after all Robbe did. And if Sander wanted him to get hurt like this so badly, then he'd show him just how hurt he had gotten. ''Yeah, you're right.''

**Tuesday, 13:21**

This must've been one of the hardest things Robbe had ever done. It felt like the past four years suddenly happened all over again, the only difference being that this time, it was just summarized into one, small moment. Where he had to let go of Sander then, never really being able to because there was no way he could ever completely forget about him, he had to take that step once again now, only this time, it wasn't his fault the way it unknowingly had been all those years ago. Jens was right. Even though Robbe had fucked up then, he didn't deserve to be treated like this now. Maybe Sander didn't know or understand how much all of this had demanded from him and how much all of it had made him feel, which, was partly his own fault, but in the end, he had done all of this to prove the guy he still cared for him. That had always been the intention, even when Robbe still thought Sander had been the one to cause their current situation. It had all ever been to get him back, to prove him wrong for ever letting Robbe and their friendship go, to prove him just how badly he missed him regardless of what had happened and how far he would be willing to go to show him he'd still do anything for him, if only it would solve it all.

But Sander didn't care. In fact, he apparently despised Robbe so much for what he once did, that none of what happened the past two weeks mattered to him anymore- if it ever even did, to begin with. He acted like it had never even happened- deleting the post of Robbe the same way he deleted him out of his life, putting up a picture of him and his not-so-ex girlfriend to show everyone they had gotten back together. He knew everyone at school had been incredibly confused about him and Sander getting together in the first place, yet, this thing that was happening now, was so baffling and out of the blue that even Robbe himself didn't understand a single fucking thing. 

Apparently, he hated him _so_ much that even his toxic ex-girlfriend seemed to be better for him than Robbe was. And if there was anything Robbe knew for sure now, it was that he deserved better than that. Better than someone he had tried so hard for, and someone who had dropped him as if none of it had ever even happened or meant something to him. Not the kisses, not the touches, not even the things that had happened at night and early the next morning this past weekend. He had always known it never really did, but still, getting this confirmation that he was right all along, the ''break-up'' on Sunday that got followed by a post of him with his ex after he deleted the one of Robbe, hit him differently- harder, somehow. He had quite literally shoved it into his face, as if to say: _I don't want you anymore, neither do I need you. I never have, and I never will._

He walked up to the wooden bench at the school yard, the same one he knew Sander always sat at. He saw the blonde sitting there from the back, buried in school work, knowing it had to be done now, knowing this was his chance to finish this and the way he felt for him once and for all. He seriously had to save his own dignity, and he couldn't wait with that any longer if he had to be the stronger one here and show Sander he wasn't able to be played with.

He put his hands in his jacket's pockets, taking in a deep breath to prepare himself for the step he was about to take. _Come on, Robbe. You've got this. Show him you deserve better. Show him that if he doesn't want to give you a chance, you're done giving him ones, too._

''I'm switching partners with Noor.'' He then said, his voice so determined and steadfast that he even surprised himself, coming to a halt behind him.

Sander turned around immediately, frowning as he then found Robbe's eyes, his own widening as he froze completely. He quite clearly hadn't expected to see him here. ''What?''

''The film project. I don't want us to work together anymore, so me and her are switching. I already discussed it with Jens, I'll inform her about what we planned on doing.''

''But, Robbe-''

''No,'' He instantly interrupted him, fisting his hands in the pockets of his brown jacket, being both angry and somehow emotional in a way from the fact he tried to interfere, to say something, to maybe even try and go against him, almost as if he acted like he didn't know Robbe's reason, or as if suddenly _did_ want to try and convince him of something or work this out with him here and now, even though he hadn't wanted to a few days ago. ''You know why.''

Sander blinked, his eyes turning gloomy, as he licked his lips and stared down at the grass beneath Robbe's feet, suddenly avoiding his look. 

''There's something else,'' Robbe said, trying to ignore the fact this all had a clear effect on the boy in front of him, not wanting to weaken himself for him once again, maintaining his strong side and showing him he deserved better even though a part of him didn't want to. ''I know I was the one who fucked up our friendship, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not realizing it sooner and for not understanding right away when you told me about it last weekend. But however much of an idiot I've been, and even though I made a huge mistake that I regret more than you think, all I did the past week was trying to help you. And I don't deserve to get hurt like this for caring about you like that.''

The blonde sighed, moving a hand through his hair, not replying anything other than dead silence. In a way, he was quite proud of himself for finally showing Sander how _he_ felt and for making him realize that even though he had made a huge mistake, the price Sander had made him pay had been too much to be fair. The least he could've done was give Robbe a chance to explain himself, or to give him time to think it all through. Maybe he didn't deserve that after what he did, but he was quite sure he didn't deserve being set aside publicly like this, either.

And that reminded him of something. 

''You can have this back.'' He rumbled in his pocket, taking out the necklace he had taken off right after his talk with Jens, it suddenly not feeling like a protection or a sign of safety any longer, yet, more of an attachment that reminded him of the way he had been too stupid to realize he had always cared about the person giving it to him a little too much. Next to that, he really didn't want to feel protected anymore by someone who just dropped him like this, as if nothing about him mattered, as if nothing between them had ever meant something to begin with. He reached out his hand, waiting for Sander to do the same.

Sander stared up into his eyes, clearly unsettled as they started watering, growing wider and wider as he seemed to realize what exactly Robbe was doing. ''Why-''

''I don't need it anymore.'' Robbe quickly said, trying to look at anything other than the blonde, vulnerable boy in front of him to prevent himself from going back, undoing all he said and once again being too weak for the guy that had once captured his heart like no one else did. He sighed, quietly continuing: ''I'll protect myself from now on.''

Fuck, that hurt. Maybe even more than it did to Sander. Not that he hoped it'd hurt him- or well, maybe he kind of did. He just wanted to show him just how badly Robbe had been hurt, too. He really didn't deserve any of this bullshit, especially not without getting a chance to explain himself or tell him about how it was _he_ felt. It was done now. They were done. And his feelings for him, together with it all. 

He stepped forward, putting the necklace down on the wooden table as Sander just kept staring at him in total disbelief without ever accepting it, almost as if he didn't understand or believe a word he said, completely frozen and shaken to his core. He knew the necklace meant a lot to him. He knew from the moment he had mentioned it on Saturday. He didn't know why, but he was one hundred percent sure it was important to him, as he had never seen Sander look at something like _that_ except for the time he had once given it to him. And maybe he was an asshole for hurting him where he knew it hurt most. But then again, so had Sander. Robbe knew exactly why he had chosen to post that picture on Monday afternoon. He _wanted_ him to know. He _wanted_ him to get hurt by it. And Robbe was done getting treated like that.

''I hope you and Britt are very happy together. I hope she'll suddenly show you what true love feels like this time.''

He turned around, trying to ignore the fact he had never seen Sander with a look this broken before, stepping away from him with a lump in his throat that somehow kept growing bigger with every step he took. He shook his head, swallowing away the tears that he didn't have control over anymore, the recognizable feeling of pushing Sander away suddenly taking him over all over again, the reason only being very different this time. He sighed, feeling his throat go dry, shaken by the most familiar voice in the background as it echoed:

_''Fuck!''_

**Tuesday, 16:01**

As Robbe walked up to the film classroom, getting ready to take a step he should have taken a long time ago, anxiety rushed through his chest, filling up his stomach and making him feel nauseous to a point where he wanted to stop walking and turn back around, letting this all go anyway and go back to the boy he so harshly put in his place earlier today. Because, despite knowing this had to be done, Robbe couldn't help but let his heart speak for him, too, reminding him of the things he had felt around him, the things he had once said to him, last week and all of those years ago, and the reasons why he had ever fallen for him in the first place. There were endless reasons. Countless things Sander had said. Infinite feelings the boy in question had made him feel over the past years and even right here, right now. Sander had unfairly hurt him where it hurt most, being very aware that he did, but even though Robbe knew the next logical step for his own self-esteem and dignity was to let all of this end, it was still so fucking hard for him to do so. The image of Sander, sitting on the wooden bench and watching him in total disbelief and complete brokenness, hadn't left his mind since the second he had turned around and heard the boy curse in the distance, clearly regretting his choices. Because that was the entire point. From that moment on, Robbe _knew_ Sander regretted it. He once knew him well enough to know that the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt him. Although, that was back then. Now, Robbe didn't know who he was. And even though he saw he wanted to take it all back from the look in his eyes, he had _still_ done it. He _had_ hurt him. And the fact he never would've before this all happened, somehow made it all even worse.

So, yes, Robbe still doubted all of this. He doubted whether or not he should've been angry at him for dropping him like this even though he had only wanted to help and prove him he still cared for him. He doubted whether or not he had no right to be, because he had been the one to cause this entire clash between them in the first place. He doubted whether or not he should've been angry at himself for not just ruining their friendship, but also starting a new issue between them that never had to be started to begin with, if only Robbe had maintained himself instead of being too weak and falling for him all over again.

But he knew one thing for sure, and that was that Jens was right. Sander had gone too far. Regardless of what Robbe had once done, and regardless of what he had started himself a week ago. He had no right to hurt him like this, not even after everything that had happened. And if Sander had really regretted it all so much that he wanted to take it back, he wouldn't have let him walk away earlier today. Jens had a point with that one too. If Sander wanted to, he would have.

He took in a deep breath, the same one he had needed to collect the guts to step up to Sander. He came to a halt next to his teacher's desk, letting out a quiet, attempting to be determined: ''Hi.''

His teacher looked up from the tests he was grading, studying his face with a frown on his own. ''Hey... Robbe, isn't it?''

''Yeah.''

''Good, I'm still trying to learn all the names, some are easier than others.'' He said, smiling as he let out a breath of relief. His frown returned as he saw that Robbe barely replied to his sentence, both verbally and non-verbally, studying his posture as he slowly seemed to figure out there was a reason he was standing next to his desk an hour after classes had been dismissed. ''Did you want to ask me something?''

Robbe shuffled on his feet all nervously, knowing he had to take action now, collecting all of his reasons and getting ready to convince the guy of why exactly him and Sander _needed_ to be separated. He really wasn't gonna take no for an answer, especially if it had already been hard enough and taken him long enough to have made this decision, to begin with. ''I, eh... I wanted to ask if I could switch partners for the film project.''

His frown worsened. ''Switch partners?''

''I know what you're gonna say. We aren't allowed to switch, but I promise I have a good re-''

''What? No, no,'' His teacher let out a scoff, bringing up his hand to interrupt his sentence mid-way. ''I never said you aren't allowed to switch, Robbe, especially if you have a good reason to want so. I know I was a pain in the ass for making the duos nobody asked for, but I'd never _obligate_ you to work with someone you really don't want to work with.''

 _What the-?_ They had always been allowed to switch partners, right from the start? Then why had he made an exception to that rule when Sander had asked him? The only reason he could think of was that they hadn't even tried to work together when he had asked him yet, but still, he felt like it wasn't fair to them anyway if they had already been sure enough of their reasons back then.

''Wait, _what?''_ Robbe's voice raised slightly, both confusion and surprise present in his voice, not understanding _shit_ at the moment. ''Then why did you tell Sander no when he asked?''

''Sander?'' He shook his head, as his eyes moved from left to right, his bottom lip pouted. ''He... never asked me if you could switch.''

 _Sander never asked?_ So- that moment in the hallway back then, where he had told him he _did_ ask, convincing him of the fact they simply didn't have another choice other than working on the project together anyway, had all been an act already? But- _why?_

''Wha-? He- he _didn't?''_

''No.''

Robbe was actually completely lost right now. None of this entire thing made sense. If Sander hadn't asked, but had tried to convince him of the fact he did anyway, then what was his point? That he actually _did_ want to work with him? Did he say it because he wanted to keep Robbe from taking that step, already knowing they could've switched partners if they had wanted to, but not wanting to work with someone else because... _Robbe_ was the one he really wanted to be partnered up with from the start? But then why hadn't he just told him? Why did he lie about it and act like such an asshole whenever they worked on it, instead of just being honest about what he wanted? In fact, why wasn't he being honest about anything in the first place? Fuck, Sander had started this entire pretend thing way sooner than Robbe had started his own. Where Robbe thought their fake relationship had never meant anything to him, Sander must've probably thought them working on the project together had never had any significance to Robbe, either. No wonder he had looked so broken when he told him he was going to switch partners. It was a literal confirmation that his feelings were right, all along. Shit, maybe Sander really wasn't any worse than he was. Maybe Sander really hadn't changed, still not ever wanting to hurt Robbe, but doing it to protect himself because Robbe kept hurting him, too. At this point they just kept hurting each other over and over, all because of the lack of communication and honesty, it literally being so useless and unneccesary, especially if it could've all been so much easier. 

''Listen, Robbe,'' The guy in front of him said, having forgotten about him for a second, coming back to reality as he continued: ''You can switch partners if you want, but maybe you should consider communicating with him a bit more at first?''

He was right. There literally was no other solution. In fact, they should've started communicating all of those years ago already. It had always been the problem in the first place. The problem now, though, was that Sander probably didn't even want to anymore. Not after all Robbe caused, and especially not after what he did this afternoon. 

''I doubt if he wants that.''

''Are you guys fighting?''

Robbe raised his eyebrows. Fighting wasn't exactly the right word. But then again, there was no other word that suited their connection perfectly, either. It was the most complicated thing Robbe had ever experienced. ''Something like that, yeah.''

''Maybe it's a good idea to be partners with him after all? You know, projects can actually be a good way to learn how to communicate.''

''Sander isn't really the person to talk about things, let alone his feelings.''

''Right,'' His teacher shrugged, biting down his lip. ''Maybe he isn't. But have you considered that he might not talk about them, because he might feel like you don't want to listen to what he has to say?'' 

He had a fair point. It reminded him of what Sander had said, and what Jens had made him realize the day after. Robbe had never asked how Sander felt, _not really._ He had texted him, yes, but he had never actually cared enough to step up to him physically, to show him he wanted to make time for him, to convince him he was still there for him even if he wasn't during the school hours they would usually share all the time. How had he been such a fucking asshole to only care for him through texts, not being sensitive enough to pay attention to the blonde and realize he wasn't moving on from him the same way Robbe wasn't aware of he was from Sander himself? Robbe knew he had always still cared for Sander, but the blonde didn't know that, neither did he know the real reason behind it all- because he couldn't have. Robbe never told him. He never told him _anything._ And he never listened to the things Sander might've wanted to tell him, either. Sander had all the right to be angry at him, to be hurt even four years later. Yet, he still somehow wanted to work on this thing together with him. And that's when Robbe realized something.

It had never been just Robbe who wanted to show him he still cared for him. It had been Sander, too, from the minute he stepped inside the classroom, using this project as an opportunity to find out what Robbe would still do for him if he actually _had_ to be around him. No wonder he had gotten so fed up about Jens this weekend. Robbe was doing it all over again, right in front of him. Yet, that still didn't give him the right to have hurt him the way he did on Monday. Because the worst thing out of that was, that Robbe _knew_ it was intentional. He wanted him to feel hurt. He wanted him to know exactly just how hurt _he_ was.

''I- I haven't.'' 

''So, do you want to switch?''

He suddenly wasn't so sure anymore. All he was thinking of now, was talking to Sander, putting this all straight, and ask him what the point of all of this and all of them was. Even though he was still somehow mad at him for the way he hurt him yesterday, he still couldn't shake the fact some of it was his own fault, too. And maybe it was about time he started listening in the way Sander had always wanted him to. ''I... don't know.''

''Go talk to him first, okay? Show him you want to listen. It might change things in ways you want them to.''

He was right. And that was exactly what Robbe was going to do.

**Wednesday, 14:56**

Robbe had reached a point where he thought he was going crazy- his mind constantly thinking about the same few things, the words both Sander and Jens had said being on repeat for the past few days, his teacher's words now having been added to those, as they seemed to make more sense than Robbe had been able to make out of this mess himself. Because that's truly what it was, a mess, a situation Robbe didn't know what to do with or how to get himself out of. He wished there was a clear, simple answer to this, a way to make this all okay again and somehow forget about everything that had happened the past week and the past four years as well... but there wasn't. This stuff was way too complicated for that to happen. Both him and Sander had done things that weren't okay, and they just kept blaming each other for it. All he was sure of, was that he had been the one to cause everything that ever happened to begin with, whereas Sander was the one who had unfairly hurt him in the way he _knew_ hurt him most, right after he had tried so hard to solve all of this and prove him wrong about him and their friendship once and for all. 

He hated himself for it all. He was angry at Sander for it all. But most importantly, he was just so fucking pissed at the both of them for never choosing to just communicate about this and prevent all of what was happening now from ever happening in the first place.

His heart stopped beating for a second as he roughly bumped into someone in the midst of the hallway, dropping all of the schoolbooks and papers he had just been holding onto the tiled floor beneath his feet. 

''Shit, I'm _so_ sorry-''

Robbe instantly looked up from the voice, recognizing it out of anywhere, locking eyes with the boy he had been so confused about the past few days. He blinked a few times, his heart having skipped a beat, not knowing what to say or do now that he stood in front of him, looking as pretty as ever, his hair fluffy and his face looking ever so kissable right above his familiar beige sweater, choosing to squat down and collect all of his stuff from the floor instead, all to avoid any other look into his eyes once again. ''It's... it's okay.''

''Let me help.'' The blonde said, kneeling down in front of him and grabbing some of his books that fell down near to him, collecting Robbe's stuff in silence. Not that it was silent though- the hallway was filled with people as their last class had just been dismissed. Yet, somehow, being this close to Sander made all of the noise surrounding them fade away. He reached out for his film class paper, the only thing that was left on the floor, as he grabbed it, instantly feeling a warm hand covering his as Sander apparently planned to do the same. Both boys looked up through their eyelashes, glancing at each other as their hands didn't move an inch, time having stopped for a moment as they sat there, fingers intertwined with each other, Sander's metal ring lighting Robbe's skin on fire. _Fuck,_ Robbe's heart felt like it was about to explode, as he felt Sander squeeze his hand a bit and saw him swallow right above the hem of his beige sweater. The flashbacks of last weekend ran through his mind on full-speed, the moment he touched his hair, the moment he caressed his shoulder and hooked his pinky around his. The moment his lips traced his shoulder blade, his fingers tracking the droplets of water down his arm. It took him back. It _all_ came back. In an instant. Every single god damn feeling he had for him. Forgetting how to breathe for a second, Robbe cleared his throat, taking his hand back as he released it from Sander's and putting the piece of paper back on the pile in his arms.

''Thanks.'' He said quietly, standing back up on his weak legs and seeing Sander do the same, the two of them awkwardly shuffling on their feet as the blonde buried his hands into his pockets, not knowing what else to say. Were they supposed to just... walk away again now? Were they supposed to start a conversation, the one they needed to have so badly but kept avoiding, anyway? As Robbe felt his blood pumping around in his veins, still not having recovered from Sander's touch, he realized exactly what he had to do right now. It was about time he got himself some answers.

''Sander?''

''Hm?''

''You never asked.''

The blonde frowned. ''Never asked what?''

''To switch partners. You never asked, even though you told me you did.'' He saw Sander's pupils dilate, him clearly not having expected him to come with this right now, even though he was very aware Robbe had probably asked their teacher by now and found out he had been lying all this time. It was yet another thing Robbe didn't understand. Sander knew he was gonna find out about his lie the minute he told him he wanted to switch. So why hadn't he just already told him about it back then? ''Why didn't you?''

Sander shrugged, avoiding Robbe's look. ''I don't know. Do I need to have a reason?''

Robbe groaned, letting out a long exhale as he felt anger bottle up in his chest, really not feeling like having a discussion like they always did right now. The fact he even wanted to, made Robbe more pissed at him than he already was, as Sander knew exactly how much he'd hurt him on Monday, and apparently didn't mind making that feeling any worse right now. ''Don't give me this attitude again, Sander...''

'"What attitude?''

''The one where you act all stand-offish, like you don't care. Just be honest with me for once.''

Sander's eyebrows raised as he let out a scoff. ''Oh, so _now_ you suddenly want to listen, then?''

So that _was_ the problem? Apparently, his teacher had been right about him all along. Sander felt like Robbe had never wanted to listen to him with anything he had ever wanted to say, not after he had become friends with Jens, anyway. He sighed, not knowing how to show him he was different now, that he had changed and that he regretted it all, that the whole thing they did with Britt was an example of just how badly Robbe wanted to do the thing Sander needed him to do most. ''Look, I know that what I did was fucking stupid, okay? I wish I had been smart enough to realize how much of an asshole I've been. But I didn't, and I can't take that back anymore. But I am in control of what I want now. And right now, I want to listen to you.'' He took a small step closer, almost as if it closed up the gap Sander clearly seemed to feel between them, as he whispered: ''Why don't you let me?''

''Because you'll just do it again, Robbe,'' Sander answered as he shook his head, taking a step back to recreate that same distance, clearly not believing any word Robbe just said. It left a nasty sting in Robbe's chest, almost making him feel nauseous. ''Just like everyone else. Nobody really gives a shit.''

''And what if I promise I won't?''

''Promises are supposed to be kept.''

''And I _will.''_ Robbe's voice was determined, trying to show him in any way possible that he _meant_ this, even if Sander was convinced that he didn't. He reached out his free hand, locking his pinky around Sander's the same way the blonde had done last weekend, not knowing why he did, but not being in control of his own motions as soon as he locked eyes with him, any more. He swallowed, blinking a few times as Sander's warm touch took him over, whispering: ''For you.''

Sander stared at him with gloomy eyes for a bit longer, observing him as if he wanted to try and see if his face could tell him whether or not he was being honest. He then looked down, watching their locked fingers as his metal ring brushed past his pinky, letting out a scoff as he took his hand back, releasing it from Robbe's, throwing his both into the air out of complete despair. ''I just... I don't know what the fuck all of this means, Robbe. One moment you don't give a shit about me, the next you suddenly want to help me in ways I never even imagined, ways I don't even know how to feel about. And now you're... what? Trying to start a conversation about my feelings in the middle of the school hallway?''

''I _never_ didn't care about you.'' Robbe took another step closer, his eyes penetrating Sander's. ''You seriously have no idea how much I always did.''

Sander let out a laugh, shaking his head once again, clearly still not believing anything. ''That's a bit too late to confess now.''

''Why? Because you went back to your ex after things suddenly got too personal for you?''

''I went back to her because she's the only one who has never wanted to leave me.''

''I never wanted to leave you, either.'' Robbe's voice was so loud that it echoed throughout the hallway, making the silence he had just imagined become an actual reality, the other students in the hallway turning quiet and looking their way, instantly being intrigued by seeing the two guys, who obviously didn't know what they wanted, having a heated discussion with each other right in front of them. But neither of them gave a shit. Neither of them even noticed in the first place, because all they could do was stare at each other, completely captivated by the other as if the room around them didn't even exist anymore.

Sander swallowed, his lips parted. Robbe could swear he saw tears forming in the back of his eyes. ''But you did, Robbe. And you'll do it again. Because everyone always does.''

''I am still here, talking to you, _trying_ for you even after the shit you pulled with Britt after all I did for you. Doesn't that say enough?''

''You're acting as if this whole fake puppet-show meant something to you- as if it brought us back together. Well, surprise, Robbe, it didn't. So why are you acting like it did?''

''Because it wasn't _fucking_ fake to me, for God's sake!'' Robbe was practically _screaming_ right now, the tears he saw in Sander's eyes somehow making him and causing the same reaction with himself, feeling his own eyes watering and wanting to convince him even more of not being the person Sander thought he was. And apparently, he really wasn't aware of how much the entire fake relationship between them had always meant to him. 

Sander just stared at him with complete disbelief, his eyes almost falling out of their sockets. 

_''What?''_

''Yes, I fucked up our friendship all of those years ago. And yes, I didn't realize that until a few days ago. But I can't take that back now. I can't do any single _fucking_ thing about it anymore even though I want to. Fuck, I wish I could go back to the first day of high school and turn everything around to make sure we were just as close now as we were back then. But I _can't._ I tried to help you to show you I still care about you, to prove to you I want it all back. That I want _you_ back. And then it all came crashing down on me and I can't seem to fucking shake you anymore despite of it- not back then, not now. Even after the bullshit you pulled with going back to her after all I did for you. I wish I could show you just how much better you deserve, I wish you fucking understood how much it all meant to me even though it didn't mean shit to you. But I suppose your ego is more important to you than trying to save something that wasn't completely lost.''

Robbe let out a loaded exhale as he finished his speech, seeing a tear roll down Sander's cheek as he quickly brushed it away with the sleeve of his leather jacket. He tried to ignore it, to not give in to his weakness for him, knowing the right thing here and now was to walk away and give him time to let it all sink in without taking any steps back or further right now. He said what he had wanted to say, what he had needed to say on the trip a few days ago, and that was all he could do. He apologized, he opened up, and now it was Sander's turn. After what he did, after the endless times he'd tried for him over and over again, it was the least Robbe deserved.

He watched him a few more seconds, the two of them gazing into each other's eyes in silence, as the entire hallway was still dead quiet, observing their every move and listening to each word both of them said. He licked his lips as he tore his gaze away, now looking at the floor beneath them and taking a step past the boy that somehow made it so complicated for him to ever walk away.

''Robbe, wait,'' The blonde said, grabbing him by his wrist and holding him back. Robbe turned around, finding Sander's eyes that had turned desperate, still showing the same vulnerability they did a few seconds ago. He cleared his throat, as he hoarsly asked: ''Is it... is it lost now?''

It hadn't been. It hadn't been when Robbe unknowingly forgot about him. It hadn't been when Jens became more present in his life than Sander did. It hadn't been when Sander decided to drop him, too, not wanting to spend effort on him any longer. It hadn't been when he walked himself back into the classroom last week. It hadn't been when Sander apparently willingly wanted to work on him considering the film assignment. It hadn't been when Robbe so stupidly kissed him to save him from his toxic girlfriend. It hadn't been when they practised, when they grew closer, when they shared a bed and Sander played with his hair at night. It hadn't been when Robbe didn't understand Sander's words about Jens and then walked away without giving him a chance to explain.

It hadn't been, until Sander decided to drop him instead of talk to him and clearly share his feelings, _knowing_ he meant more to Robbe than he always thought he did the minute he still saw the necklace hanging around his neck, but deciding to let his ego get in the way nevertheless because Jens was still a threat to him, a threat because Robbe once let him go for him, a threat because he never let Robbe explain how or why. It hadn't been, until Sander got back together with the girl Robbe tried to save him from, the person Robbe had wanted to be for him so badly, deciding to hurt him where it hurt most instead of fighting for him and giving him a second chance. That's when Sander decided it was lost, after all. 

''I think you and I both know you've already made that choice.''

**Friday, 23:00**

**Friday, 23:23**

It had been a while since Robbe had gone out together with his friends. He didn't necessarily enjoy it too much, which was also the biggest reason he normally wouldn't join them too often, but today was different. He felt like he had to get out of the house for a bit, do something else other than just thinking about Sander and blaming himself _and_ the guy in question for everything slightly ''eventful'' that had happened in his life for the past four years and counting. He needed to have a good night for once, forget about everything that was happening in his life and just have a fun time together with his best friends and not worry about all the other shit that was currently going on. It was quite ironic how Robbe's life had been the most boring circumstance for years, whereas now, it was so chaotic that he wished he could go back to that dull situation in a split second. 

And, in fact, he was having quite a good time thus far. They were just chilling with the four of them, chatting about anything and everything, subjects that wouldn't really mean anything to Robbe usually, but made him feel a sense of relief right now, remembering him there were also other things in life than just Sander and the way he had always had an influence on him that Robbe wished would be different. It made him feel normal, just like everyone else, making him forget about the charade his life currently was and bringing him back to his own, safe circle, the confidential and pleasant one he had always known. Or at least, over the past four years.

As he looked over to the entrance of the room, his eyes suddenly fell on the guy in question, walking in wearing a white t-shirt showing off his tanned, slightly muscular arms, dark skinny jeans covering his skinny legs as his bright bleached hair reflected in the neon colors shining down on him from the ceiling, creating love at first light. The one guy he had so badly wanted to forget tonight. The one guy that somehow always looked like a fucking dream in the midst of reality, making life as wonderful and astonishing as if he were a miracle, holding back time and making everyone stop all they were doing, just to watch him every time he walked himself inside a room because of how mesmerizing he was. The one guy he really didn't want to have around here right now and ruin his one chance to finally free himself from his own thoughts and feelings for a bit. But of course Sander never gave him a break. In the end, there was no way Robbe could ever stop feeling everything he felt for him. Not when he was around all the god damn time to remind him of it, anyway. All it took was one look, and every single time, Robbe was falling deeper over and over again.

''Hey,'' Jens nudged his shoulder, making him break his gaze to look back at him for a second. ''Don't pay attention to him. It's not worth it, and you deserve better.''

Moyo let out a snort. ''I didn't know _Sander Driesen_ was such a player.''

''Why did he even go back to her anyway?'' Aaron asked, walking up to them holding four beers locked within his fingers. He handed each of them one, instantly chugging the entire bottle down his throat, easily, as if he did it every day, showing off just how he had planned on wanting this night to continue. Aaron wasn't gonna care. His other two friends weren't, either. They were just gonna have fun and release themselves of all the bullshit in their lives for tonight, ignoring their concerns and just... letting go of everything. Being young and free, and not giving a shit about other things that they really didn't feel like caring about for the coming few hours. And maybe Robbe should've just done the same. He wasn't gonna care about Sander. Not tonight. And he was gonna prove both himself _and_ his friends that he was strong enough to do that.

''I don't want to talk about him, okay? Let's just... have fun.'' Jens frowned as Robbe put the bottle to his lips, taking a few gulps, one by one, leaving the bottle completely empty within seconds as he put it down next to him on the bar table. He moved his sleeve past his mouth, drying it from the quick drink he had just taken, not exactly planning on this being the last time he did that tonight.

He was gonna have _fun._ Without Sander. He could easily do that.

**Friday, 23:45**

**Saturday, 00:35**

Alright, but who gave him the _fucking_ right to look this way? And why did Robbe have to be so weak for him every god damn time that he couldn't tear his gaze away, even if he wanted to? It was ridiculously unfair, it always had been, how Robbe had always been the one too fascinated by him, too distracted the second he laid eyes on him to be able to do anything else, not even controling his own body. And then there was Sander himself, too occupied with other things to ever even notice Robbe was standing there, watching his every move, unable to function any further. And Robbe hated himself for it. Yet, he somehow wouldn't want it any other way.

Shit, the alcohol really was putting a number on him and he really wished he hadn't taken it this far.

He had literally tried everything, drinking, focusing himself on other guys _and_ girls, clinging onto people he didn't even know, all to make sure he'd forget about Sander. But there was just no fucking way. Not when he knew he was here, kissing Britt and not him, forgetting about him in ways Robbe wanted to as well, but never being able to because he was just in way too fucking far. And then again, he could try to kiss anyone and everyone, but none of them would ever be Sander.

He looked like a fucking dream standing there, leaning against the wall like that, one leg up, a hand tucked in the pocket of his jeans, as the other held his beer bottle close to his lips, his bottom one continuously brushing past the glass. Fuck, how badly Robbe wanted to be that bottle right now. His metal ring reflected in the neon lights, a-flaming him with silver, the sight only jolting him like an electric current when he smiled, almost like a megawatt gesture grabbing Robbe's full attention. Damn it, he had really had a bit too much to drink, not in control of his own thoughts anymore, feeling himself wanting to step up to him, go his way, forget about everything and just _kiss_ him, drown in him, and finally give into everything he had ever been feeling. He yelped as Sander suddenly looked back, his languid eyelashed of velvet-black blinking slowly, almost as if he knew he had been watching him all this time, looking so god damn attractive that he almost invited him over silently by just... glancing over at him with the prettiest green eyes Robbe had ever seen. It was like they were playing a game, daring the other to admit what they thought about, to admit what they were truly feeling, the alcohol taking over both of them and making them forget about everything that had happened before tonight. And even though Robbe wanted to quit Sander's games, he also couldn't help but play along. He always would when it came down to him.

''If this is you trying to secretly watch him, you should maybe try to drool a bit less.'' Jens said, nudging his shoulder and making him break eye-contact with the boy he had tried so hard to ignore. Apparently, he wasn't doing very well at that one. 

''What?''

His friend snorted. ''You're _staring,_ Robbe.''

''No, I'm not.''

''Eh, yeah, you are.''

Robbe let himself fall back down the wall, crossing his arms as if he was a little kid, frowning his brows all angrily, both at Jens for noticing him and not giving him a break, and at himself for letting the alcohol speak for him and making him do things he so badly wanted to prevent himself from doing tonight. ''Just... let me be.''

Jens sighed, resting himself next to him. ''Robbe... you have to let him go.''

''I know.'' He nodded, his eyes finding the blonde, captivating boy in the distance once again. He didn't look back anymore now. Instead, he was resting himself against the wall just like Robbe was, having his phone out in his hand, his beer bottle in the other, minding his own business and probably texting his misses to ask when she came back to drool all over him, just so Robbe could watch how much he had already forgotten about him. The fucking asshole. ''I have.''

He snorted, putting his beer bottle against his lips, humming all sarcastically as he literally watched Robbe observe the guy he clearly hadn't let go of just yet. ''Sure, you have.''

''Hm-m.'' He took a sip from his own beer, feeling his phone buzz in his pocket, taking him out of his gaze, as he slipped it out and almost choked on the sip he'd just taken, reading who had been texting him at this time of day.

Robbe looked up from his phone, instantly finding Sander's gaze, as he felt himself sweat and swallow, not being in control of his own choice of movements anymore. What the _fuck_ was he trying to say? And why was he saying all of these things anyway? Calling him attractive, daring him with all these texts as if he wanted to get some sort of confession out of him, an answer as to why he was standing here watching him all evening. Wasn't it _fucking_ obvious? He had literally told him none of it had been fake to him, confessed to him that he felt more for him during all of this, and now he was... what? Trying to get him to say it _again?_ Suddenly acting as if this all meant something to him, too? He really was such a fucking asshole, and Robbe was completely done with him. The way he stood there like that against the wall, acting as if he knew Robbe wasn't able to look away, texting him as if he had him all wrapped around his finger. He wasn't allowed to ruin his night like this. He was supposed to be having fun together with his friends, yet here he was, texting him, watching him, the entire damn night being about him once again even though he had told himself not to. 

The alcohol took its turn on him once again, as Robbe shuffled a bit closer towards Jens, lying his head to rest on his shoulder, never breaking eye-contact with Sander. He knew this had to stop. He knew the both of them needed to get their heads straight and fix this mess, without any alcohol coming to play, communicating about everything like the 17-year-olds the both of them were. But somehow he couldn't help but test him out the same way he did to him, see where his boundaries lied, and for once, make Sander own up to something too, make him confess something too, literally doing anything at this point to provoke a reaction from him. He was done being the only honest one. He was done being the only one who cared about him and not the other way around. And now that Jens stood here, with Sander watching them, he couldn't help but try to push his buttons where they might've needed to be pushed so badly.

He wrapped his arm around Jens' waist, pulling him in for something that looked like an intimate hug, but in reality wasn't more than just drunk, clingy Robbe trying to keep ahold of someone. Sander didn't know that, though. He had never even seen Robbe drunk before. Jens giggled, knowing exactly how he became when he had a little too much to drink, and, just like Robbe expected, he went all in on it, knowing exactly how Jens always reacted to his clinginess, too. His friend wrapped him inside his arms, hugging him tight and laughing into his ear, knowing that Robbe always needed to be close to someone whenever he had too much alcohol in his system, except, he was unaware of the fact that this time, Robbe wasn't drunk enough to not be in control of his own actions anymore. He moved his arm to Jens' shoulder, pulling him in closer, as he looked to the side, up to the spot where Sander had just stood, practically having had a staring contest with him as all they ever seemed to notice tonight was each other.

And he was _still_ watching. Except now, his look was completely different. Robbe had truly never seen him _this_ furious. 

The boy grabbed his phone back out of his pocket, his jaw clenched and eyes screaming fire as he unlocked it, holding onto it so firmly that it almost broke, his fingers rushing across the screen rapidly. Robbe instantly felt his phone buzz after the boy looked back up at him again, his anger not having disappeared off of his face quite yet- in fact, it had only gotten even worse. He released himself from Jens' grip to grab his own phone, swallowing as he read what was on the screen. 

_Shit._

His heart thumped in his chest, none of it being the alcohol anymore, all of it being the intense feeling Sander was giving him, right now and _always,_ his influence making him go crazy as their gazes never broke, not even when Robbe let his phone slide back into his pocket. Sander clenched his jaw again, his eyes penetrating Robbe's all the way across the room, as he tilted his head, his gesture somehow attracting him to follow him, even if his head told him not to. He knew he shouldn't give in. He knew he had to be the stronger one here. He knew he should've just stayed with his friends and pretended Sander's texts had never even existed. But he _couldn't._ He just _couldn't_ fucking let go of him, of how insanely pretty he looked, of how attractive he was in every single damn way possible, and most of all, of how _god damn_ in love he was with him, more and more as the days and weeks passed. 

So he walked after him, hearing his friends call him back from behind but completely ignoring them- the only sound in his mind being his rapidly beating heart, the blood pumping through his veins on high speed, as he stepped after the boy without thinking, just knowing his out-of-control body was telling him to do so. The way Sander was testing his limits and the way he succeeded at it too was driving him crazy, wanting to be able to do the same, wanting to have the same influence on Sander as he had on him. He just couldn't fucking shake him. He never would be able to. 

He threw opened the door to the bathroom as he shut it loudly behind him again, watching Sander lean against the bathroom's sink, his feet crossed, hands resting on the marble behind him, waiting for Robbe to arrive. His skin was incredibly tanned, his arms looking ever so muscular as he leaned his body on them, the veins popping up all the way to his big hands resting down next to his body. His hair fell down onto his forehead, looking so soft and ever so tempting that Robbe wanted to feel it and hold it, bury his nose into it like he did many times all those years ago. It was so _fucking_ unfair how gorgeous he was. Who gave him the right? And why did he have to be such an _asshole_ on top of that?

Robbe took a small step away from the door, closer to Sander, not being able to hold back anymore. ''Why do you have to be this _fucking_ annoying? I'm trying to have a good night here, together with my best friends, _not_ you. I am literally trying to get over you and there you are again, hopping back into my business. You just can't give me a break, can you? First you're a fucking dick to me, acting as if I'm your biggest enemy, then you act all sweet and pretend you like me and make me go absolutely insane to a point where I can't even _breathe_ sometimes to eventually go back to your poshy, toxic misses and confirm my thoughts that none of this meant _shit_ to you. And now you're... what? Texting me to prove a point? Calling me attractive because you enjoy playing with my feelings? What the _fuck_ is your point? I am done, Sander, I am done feeling this way about you, I am done letting myself fall for you more and more and I am _done_ being too weak to decide for mys-''

A loud bang echoed throughout the bathroom, it going so incredibly fast that Robbe wasn't sure what was happening until his body came to a halt against the wall. Sander had him pushed up against the bathroom door, his hands cupping his cheeks, his lips crashed on his- _consuming_ him, pulling him underneath his waves, taking in a deep breath as he kept him steady, locked between his legs, the magnetic force between them pulling them even closer. Adrenaline rushed through Robbe's body, keeping his eyes opened for a second from shock- not fully realizing what was happening, just watching Sander's vibrating eyelashes as his mouth took him in. Robbe's eyes fluttered closed eventually, as he forgot how to breathe, feeling Sander's soft touch against his lips and not being able to think about or focus on anything else any longer.

The boy slowly moved back, releasing his lips from his, them staying stuck together for a while, as he kept their foreheads connected, breathing heavily into his face. The smell of peppermint and his familiar cologne mixed with nicotine and beer rushed over him, entering him like a wave as Sander's thumb throbbed at the hollow of his neck, the sound of his heart loud enough for him to feel, strong enough to overwhelm everything but those luminous green eyes.

''I'll catch you.'' He whispered quietly, watching his lips, then back to his eyes. His emotion was desperate, for him, for his touch, for his lips- so much, that Robbe almost started to believe he really wanted this, too.

''Wh- what?'' Robbe stammered, still blown away by what had just happened, feeling lightheaded, his thoughts completely put on silent. All he saw right now, was him. It was all he ever did.

''When you fall.'' Sander continued, swallowing away the lump in his throat, taking his bottom lip between his teeth as he studied Robbe's face. He let out a breath, his tongue sliding past his lower lip, as he said: ''I'll catch you.'' His thumbs moved past Robbe's cheeks, caressing them, as he brushed their noses together. He closed his eyes for a second, as if he needed time to let this all sink in, moving a hand to the back of his head to intertwine his fingers with his brown curls. He opened up his eyes again, lashes fluttering, as he parted his lips and whispered: _''I can't fucking stop thinking about you.''_

The two boys looked each other in the eye, first the left, then the right, as their faces gradually came closer, filling up the small gap that was still left between them. Robbe didn't even _want_ to think anymore. All he wanted was him, his lips on his, his hands on his body, totally and completely being consumed by him and not giving a damn about anything else around them. He had waited long enough for this to happen. And now that it finally did, he just couldn't hold back any longer.

He parted his lips, feeling Sander washing over him like a wave of warmth as their lips sealed back together, curling his toes, wrapping his arms around the boy's neck to pull him in closer. Sander's hands moved to Robbe's waist, pressing him further against the door, pushing their bodies together as close as he possibly could. It was as if time had stopped right there, propped against the wall, glued to one another. Heat rose from his stomach to his chest as Sander moved one hand up to grab his hair, pulling it as he moved him away from the door together with him, turning the both of them around to slowly walk towards the sink, pressing the boy against it. His lips closed him in, his tongue battling his own as he explored his mouth, deep and passionately, the taste of beer and nicotine taking him over, this all feeling like that one time they practised, only now, things were a lot more real than they had been back then. He moved his hands to Sander's hair, fisting it as he pulled at his silky locks, making the boy groan in response as he whispered his name into his mouth like a lullaby, sending shivers down Robbe's spine as he pressed his fingertips into his back. His hands moved lower, down to the bottom of his spine, his fingers passing the edge of his skinny jeans, feeling his metal ring press into his skin as he pulled him against his hips closer, the feeling being so incredibly hypnotic that Robbe couldn't help but make noises he didn't know he was able to produce. Sander silenced all of his thoughts, his hands travelling across his body only making him want _more,_ not ever wanting him to stop as they stood here, completely consumed by one another. Sander pushed him upwards, onto the sink, allowing him to wrap his legs around his waist, parting the two of them for a split second, as if he searched for reassurance. Robbe didn't want to waste any time on that, as he pulled the boy back in by the hem of his jacket, slotting their lips back on each other as his tongue conquered the depths of his mouth, wanting to be near to him- closer and closer even though they already were the closest they could've been right now. Sander dug his fingers into Robbe's thighs, cupping his legs as they wrapped themselves around his body even firmer, kissing him endlessly as if his life depended on it. Robbe's hands roamed through his hair as the boy let go of his lips to search for his neck, kissing him open-mouthedly down to his collarbone, making Robbe bite down his lower lip from pleasure, never wanting this feeling to stop. Shit, he didn't know if this was the alcohol taking its toll on them, but what he did know, was that he had never felt this alive ever before.

He moved his hips forward, brushing them past Robbe's a bit too much, as the both of them let out a soft moan, instantly finding each other's lips to continue searching each other, almost as if it had been years since their last touch. And maybe it had been. His fingers moved a bit underneath his shirt, his fingertips skimming his warm skin, sending a rush of blood to every part of his body. His fingers moved forward, down to the front of his jeans, pulling him in closer as he tucked them behind his button, making him go completely, utterly _insane._

''Oh, _shit-''_ A voice took them out of it all, as the bathroom door fell opened, Moyo and Jens wanting to walk in but immediately running back to the hallway, shouting a quick ''sorry'' as they snorted, clearly drunk too, walking away again into the distance. Maybe it hadn't been the wisest decision to make out like this in the middle of a public bathroom.

The both of them watched each other, completely flustered, cheeks bright red and lips puffy, as their hair was out of control, still trying to catch their breaths from what had just happened. Sander watched his face, not saying anything as he just observed him in silence, having pushed himself away from him and left him completely on his own, sitting on the bathroom sink. He parted his lips, closing them again, the two of them uncomfortably looking around and at each other as they both didn't know what to say or do. _What the fuck had just happened?_ And why weren't they saying anything about it right now?

''I- I have to go.'' Sander mumbled, cleaning his mouth with the sleeve of his leather jacket, as he walked himself to the exit of the bathroom. 

And that was it. That was all Robbe got that night. Endless gazes, a kiss, a touch, a recognizable and familiar feeling of warmth and safety, until Sander ripped it all away again, leaving him with nothing else other than a rapidly beating heart, confusion, and an emptiness in his chest he so badly needed to be filled up again.

Sander was gone. And Robbe hadn't gotten any clarity at all.

**Saturday, 1:06**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii lovelies!
> 
> it's time for chapter 5 hihi. it took me a day longer to post this one due to personal reasons, excusé-moi.  
> i wanted to post it earlier today, but then stuff happened with the willems' new show that took all of us by surprise.  
> this chapter was a literal whirlwind- on purpose, because as the reader, you're quite literally living in robbe's thoughts. robbe is so confused in this chapter and he just doesn't know what's right for him or how he should feel about the whole situation.
> 
> i want to thank you all for all the comments you've given me on chapter 4. it was insane and honestly mindblowing how supportive you guys were. i literally got emotional about it three times last week haha. writing this story is an escape to me, something i put my all into, and reading your comments, the fact you spend time and effort on them and think my story is worth it enough to do so really means the entire world to me. thank you. this story wouldn't be the same without you and you all really keep me going so much. <333
> 
> please let me know what you thought of this chapter!! leave a comment here or on my tumblr/instagram (sobbefairytales) and i'll always leave a reply. i'm so excited to hear what you thought of it and what you think will happen next. as i say all the time, your comments make my days and they keep me incredibly motivated, and it really is the truth. 
> 
> thank you for taking the time to read, you're all angels.
> 
> lots of love, a. <3


	6. Chapter 6

**February 14th, 2017**

_Robbe had never really liked the idea of Valentine's Day. The fact there was this one specific day to spend with your lover, making it totally useless to the ones without one, had somehow always given him this weird feeling that he wasn't really able to explain. He had never had a valentine before, so he had never known what it was like for the people who did, for the ones who had found their special someone, their ''soulmate'', and what it was like to be loved more than usual this one day of the year, by the one person who appreciated and accepted you more than anyone else did. Robbe had never had that someone before. His mom probably was the only one who came close. But then again, it was quite miserable if she would be the only valentine he was ever able to get in his entire life. There had to be someone for him out there, too, right?_

_A knock on his window left him unsettled, as he grabbed his remote control from his sheets and put the movie he was watching - a romance, of course, to make himself feel less of a love-less loner as he would probably cry himself to sleep afterwards - on pause. He scooched off of his bed, shuffling to his window on his fluffy, yellow socks as he moved away the curtains that kept the night a secret to him, seeing the happy face of his brown haired best friend through the glass. Sander would always do this- sneak up to his window late in the evenings, knowing Robbe's mom wanted him to go to bed early but still wanting to hang out with him so badly despite of that. His mom liked him, though, she'd always say he was the best friend she had always wished Robbe would have as he grew older. She loved how the two of them hung out so much, but little did she know that they spent almost every single day together, doing everything together, every single thing you could possibly think of; sleepovers (even secret ones), movie nights, amateur football matches, shopping as their last and only pair of jeans had eventually ripped completely- they'd even brush their teeth together. There wasn't a thing they did seperately. And apparently, ''everything'' even included being in each other's presence on Valentine's Day._

_''Sander?'' Robbe's eyes grew wide, not having expected the boy to be at his window tonight, feeling his heartbeat intensify as Sander smirked back at this obvious surprise._

_He knocked on the window with his finger, his ring making a clashing sound. ''Open up.''_

_He moved the lock off of the glass, sliding it opened to make room for the boy that easily, greedily worked his way inside- almost as if he had waited in line for a concert all day, finally being allowed to enter the venue. Robbe watched him close the window behind him, tugging off his jacket as he threw it down onto his floor the same way he always would do, treating Robbe's home as if it were his own, and maybe, in some way, it really was like that. He just watched him in awe, still not being sure of what the boy was currently doing here, and what made him want to be on this specific day. ''What are you doing here?''_

_''I wanted to spend my evening with you,'' Sander said, whispering, all to make sure Robbe's mom wouldn't hear. He frowned at him for a bit, noticing Robbe's restraint and the fact he was quite obviously still not understanding why he was standing in his bedroom right now, even though he had already explained he had simply just wanted to. ''Is... that okay?''_

_''Yeah,'' Robbe nodded, trying to ignore the weird feeling in his chest, knowing exactly why it was there, but not wanting or daring to ask Sander the question that was lying on the tip of his tongue at the moment. He didn't want to make this situation weird in any way. He had never wanted to, not ever since he had started to begin to feel this way around him. God, how much he wished he understood why he suddenly felt like this, or what it was about Sander that made him cause all of it. ''Yeah, of course it is.''_

_''Good.'' He smiled, as beautiful as ever, reaching out his hand towards his face as he rumbled his fingers through Robbe's brown curls. ''Hi, curly head.''_

_Robbe felt like his heart was about to sink into his feet, explode, leave his body and fly into space. It twisted and turned, glowing and sparking as the words left Sander's lips, the touch of his fingers still enduring even though his hand wasn't even in his hair anymore. Ever since a few weeks, everything Sander said and everything Sander did... it just became... different to him. More meaningful than usual. It had more impact than usual. It accelerated his heart in ways it had never done before, leaving goosebumps over his neck, arms, legs... everywhere on his body even if all the guy ever did was locking eyes with him. Robbe wasn't sure what it was, but he definitely knew it made him feel many things, things he didn't know the meaning of, things that made him unable to sleep at night, things that, if he did sleep, made him dream about him in an instant, things that left him without the want to eat because his stomach was already filled with... other things. Warm things. Electric things. All he was sure of, was that it drove him absolutely insane, not knowing how to explain it or pin-point what exactly happened to make him change the way he felt about him._

_He swallowed as he smiled back softly, trying to ignore the fireworks going crazy and burning up in his chest. ''H_ _i.''_

_''What were you up to?''_

_''Just... watching a movie, nothing special.'' Sander walked to his bed, grabbing the empty dvd box from Robbe's sheets, as he tapped on the plastic with his fingers, looking back at Robbe over his broad shoulders._

_''Romeo and Juliet?'' He asked, raising an eyebrow. He grinned, licking his lips. ''That's one of my favorites.''_

_Of course it was. Robbe knew it was. He knew exactly which movies Sander liked as he always talked about them, endlessly, deep into the nights they'd lie in bed next to each other. He was so incredibly passionate about them, making Robbe intrigued just by the passionate twinkle in his eyes, being able to hang onto every single word he spoke for hours and hours until the sun started coming up again. Of course Robbe remembered which ones were his favorites. He remembered every single thing about him, every single word he had said to him. All of it. And maybe, on this specific day, not expecting to see him tonight but feeling... whatever it was, whenever he thought about him... watching this movie felt like the right choice, for some reason._

_''Can I join watching?'' Sander asked, sitting himself down on the sheets as he tried to take off his black Converse sneakers in one go. He had always been too lazy to just untie them. It was yet another one of those things that made him Sander, another one of those traits that fascinated him incredibly, to a point that he was practically unable to tear his eyes away. Nobody was like Sander was, there couldn't possibly be._

_And of course he could join. He didn't even have to ask. There was a reason they did everything together already, anyway. ''Sure, I'm already mid-way, though.''_

_''That's okay, I've seen it many times before.'' Sander said, confirming the obvious that Robbe already knew, knowing Romeo and Juliet was a story Sander could write essays about if he ever got the chance to. He remembered him telling him he'd love to recreate it one day, if only the right person to shoot it with ever came along. The thought of that, being his ''right person'', couldn't help but make Robbe shiver, especially on a day like this. The brunet moved himself further onto Robbe's bed, placing himself in a comfortable position, head back against the wall, resting it on his arm, as he moved away the sheets for a second, burying himself underneath and leaving open a corner big enough for Robbe to join and sit down next to him. He reached out his hand, tilting his head to make the curly haired boy follow his way. ''Come here.''_

_Robbe told himself to ignore the way his heart pounded in his chest, still not understanding why it had suddenly started doing that around him. They had lied next to each other an infinite amount of times before, they quite literally grew up with it, so what was different about it now that Robbe suddenly felt this way? What changed between them to make Robbe feel as if his skin was on fire every time he glanced up at him? He swallowed, sitting himself down on the edge, further away from Sander than the brunet had intended to, instantly seeing him frown and lower his hand as he noticed Robbe's restraint that hadn't left quite yet._

_''Is everything okay?'' Robbe didn't answer a word, as he just kept staring at the hands folded up on his lap, resting on his soft joggers, not being sure what to say or what to open up about. He knew exactly why he felt weird about him being here, though, but he just wondered how Sander would feel if he would dare to speak up about it and just... ask. He didn't want it to seem as if he was... jealous. Because he wasn't. Was he? Why would he be? Sander moved himself forward, scooching over to the boy as he remained buried underneath the sheets, grabbing his both hands that still rested on his lap and covering them with his own warm ones._

_''Robbe?'' He asked quietly, brushing his fingers over his palms as if they were his canvas, soothing him in the way he knew it worked and making Robbe shiver from head to toe. He let go of one hand to reach out for his face, putting his index finger beneath his chin to make the boy look up at him. And all Robbe could ever possibly do, was insist. ''Hey, talk to me.''_

_He sighed, shrugging both shoulders. ''Yeah, I'm fine, I just... I guess I didn't expect to see you today.''_

_''Why not?'' Robbe knew he had to open up about it now, that there was no way back now that he had said this. He collected all of his guts, taking in a deep breath, as he found Sander's eyes and felt all emotions inside disappear for a second, the only thing on his mind right now being him. God, it was crazy how much influence he had on him, and he still didn't understand why._

_''Because... didn't that one girl you mentioned text you if you wanted to go on a date with her?''_

_Sander frowned. ''Who? Nina?''_

_''Yeah.''_

_''Yeah, she did.''_

_''Then... shouldn't you be with her right now, instead of with me?''_

_''No,'' Sander let out a scoff, his frown still not having disappeared. He brought both hands back to Robbe's, his fingertips travelling past his skin continuously, drawing all sorts of patterns the way he always did to make Robbe feel comfortable. ''I didn't want to go out with her, I prefered spending my evening together with my best friend instead of someone I barely know.''_

_Robbe shrugged, studying their intertwined hands and the way Sanders fingertips carefully painted his own in awe. ''You could always try to get to know her.''_

_''Yeah, but I don't want to.'' His best friend mumbled, clearly not taking all of this as seriously the same way Robbe did. He took one hand in his both, massaging his veins with his thumbs, as he looked up, finding the boy's vulnerable, sweet as chocolate brown eyes with his own exposed ones, his mood suddenly having changed, screaming he needed reassurance just by the look of his eyes. ''What's wrong, Robbe? Don't you want me to be here?''_

_''No, no, I do,'' He quickly said, trying to sound as determined as he possibly could be, moving both legs onto the bed as he crossed them, his knees resting on top of Sander's as the sheets were the only thing left seperating them from one another. He decided to take the lead, switching their hands around as he grabbed ahold of Sander's, them always having been bigger and stronger than his own, moving his fingers past his and locking their intermediate phalanges together mid-way. ''I just thought... since it's Valentine's and all...''_

_''What? That I can't spend my day with someone I care about?'' Sander raised his eyebrows, grinning and searching his eyes as Robbe looked back at him, not being sure what to say. He squeezed his hands, moving his head lower to penetrate his eyes into Robbe's more convincingly, moving one hand up to tuck a curl of hair behind his ear as he quietly added: ''I'd much rather spend my evening with you than some random girl who doesn't even really want to get to know me.''_

_Fireworks, electricity, his mind going totally blank- all of the above, once again. His touch only made flowers grow in the deepest parts of his body that had always felt so hollow. How did he do that? How did he suddenly make Robbe feel this way after all this time? Why did he make him feel like he wanted to be even closer to him, hold him and never let him go, wanting to be surrounded by him all the time, night and day, wanting to be his... someone. Not just today, but every day._

_He swallowed, feeling sweat break through his forehead as Sander's thumb continued to rest on his cheek, fitting perfectly as if it was made for it. ''Okay.''_

_''Yeah?''_

_''Yeah.''_

_''Good. Now, come here,'' Sander smiled, moving himself back to the head of the bed, never letting go of Robbe's hands as he did so. The brunet moved together with him as he let himself be guided, eventually plopping down next to him on the mattress as Sander let go of his hands to tuck him in underneath the sheets carefully. It felt like he enclosed him with safety, trust- the sheets being the metaphor, yet, the boy sitting next to him so closely being the true reason he always felt this protected. He grabbed the remote from the side, pressing play to continue where Robbe had left it all off, moving himself down a bit to comfortably rest his head on the boy's shoulder, using it as his pillow the same way he always did. Butterflies rushed through Robbe's chest as he felt his warmth dissolve into him, that one specific feeling of security heightening all of his senses. Sander grinned softly as if he knew, brushing his cheek past the fabric of Robbe's sweater, letting out the softest whisper: ''There's no place I'd rather be.''_

**Sunday, 12:11**

**Sunday, 14:02**

****

**Monday, 10:33**

As hard as it still was for Robbe to admit to the obvious- he knew Jens was right. Sander wouldn't have kissed him the way he did if he didn't want Robbe the same way he wanted him. He just still couldn't really fathom it, how they went from not speaking at all, to becoming project partners, to being each other's fake boyfriend and now suddenly both admitting to feelings that might have secretly been there for a long time already. And Robbe truly was such a fucking idiot for ever letting Sander walk away like that. Because again, Jens had a _point-_ after all he did, from breaking their friendship to giving him the feeling he had replaced him with Jens, Sander needed to know whether or not he was serious about this, about _him,_ this time around. Little did he know just how serious he had been back then already. And the first step to all of this, was getting him back as his project partner, making sure they wouldn't loose contact yet again, it being the first initiative, the first _sign_ Sander needed to prove him he was serious about wanting him back, not letting go again this time. 

He walked himself into the art classroom, knowing it was the place where the person he needed to speak to would usually find herself. She was the exact same as Sander- creative to a point that she inspired the people around her just with the look of her eyes, a walking masterpiece and the pieces she created being even more so flabbergasting than the girl herself. No wonder her and Sander became so close. They were practically the same person, the only difference being the bodies that carried their inventive souls. Robbe had been quite jealous of her sometimes, knowing she'd spend time with the boy he so badly wanted to spend time with, growing closer to him in ways he thought only Robbe ever could. But it was his own damn fault. He had no right to be jealous when he was the one who had fucked it all up to begin with.

''Noor?'' He came to a halt behind the black haired girl, burying his hands in his pockets as he somehow started to feel a little nervous, knowing she probably knew Sander a lot better than Robbe did, at this point. Fuck, it wasn't until then that he realized that maybe he had even told her about all that happened in the exact same way Robbe had told Jens. She must've known exactly how much of an asshole he had been in the past of the guy that was now _her_ best friend, instead. _No,_ _Robbe, don't you dare get jealous, you ruined this yourself. Get a fucking grip._

''Hey, Robbe,'' The girl said as she turned herself around, revealing just how extremely good-looking she was, the exact same way Sander always had been, too. It was insane how alike they were, as if they were long lost siblings that found each other through their shared passion for art. Speaking of, the room they were currently filling up with just the two of them was _loaded_ with their passion- all sorts of paintings and drawings spread out over the walls and even on the floor, there barely being any empty spot left for the piece Noor was creating right in front of him. As he gazed around for a bit, taking in the creativity he'd always wished to have, his eyes found a painting close to his right, the name _''Sander''_ written down on it in plain white, the handwriting nearly as gorgeous as the boy behind the name was himself. Robbe swallowed, almost feeling himself turn emotional as he saw just how much Sander's talent had grown over the years, secretly wishing he had been there to experience his evolvement, cursing at himself for fucking up so badly that he had never gotten a chance to be a part of it and see it with his own eyes.

Noor seemed to notice, as she frowned, trying to find Robbe's brown eyes. ''What's up?''

The boy shook his head, quickly releasing his gaze from Sander's painting to focus himself back on Noor, trying to hold back the tears that so badly wanted to roll over his cheeks right now. He _couldn't_ turn emotional. He wasn't allowed to. Not here, not in front of her, not because of something like _this,_ the outcome of what he had once caused himself. He restored himself - barely - and cleared his throat as he reminded himself of what it was he had come here for, finally continuing: ''I... I wanted to ask you something.'' 

''Okay, shoot.''

''The... the project? Would you mind... switching back partners?'' He squinted his eyes, looking up at the girl through his long eyelashes, knowing the question might've been the dumbest thing she had ever heard, coming from the guy she probably knew all about by now. He was such an idiot for ever ditching him the way he did _and_ for giving him back the necklace when he somehow just knew how important that was to him. He wasn't stupid. He could recognize the look on Sander's face as he saw his necklace hanging around his neck that weekend in a split second, knowing he had seen that once before, right when he had first given it to him. ''I know I was the one who wanted to switch, but, eh... I've kind of... changed my mind.''

It was quite the understatement, but he figured he couldn't tell her their make-out session on the sink and the entire night surrounding it had made Robbe realize he wanted things to be different, back to the way they once used to be.

Noor scoffed, just staring at him with a frown between her perfectly shaped eyebrows. ''So you _do_ want to work with Sander, anyway?''

''Yeah.''

''What changed your mind?''

''Him,'' He answered, so fast that the pace surprised himself. But the answer was just that simple. He didn't have to think about it any longer than this. The guy had changed his mind the minute he had stepped himself inside the classroom and the minute he had locked eyes with him for the first time in four years where the connection was finally meant for _them_ again. It wasn't until they kissed for the first time, that Robbe realized just how badly he had turned his life around once again the way he used to all those years ago. And he truly wouldn't have wanted it any other way. ''Sander did.''

''Are you sure you want this?'' Noor sighed, her expression turning bothered and even a bit worried. ''Because, you know, Robbe... Sander was devastated when you told him you wanted to switch. I haven't seen him that broken in a long time.''

Well, _shit._ Of course, Robbe had done it again. He was so fucking stupid for not realizing just how badly he was going to hurt him with the way he decided to end it once and for all. He was so harsh to him, so _cold_ in a way he never had been before. Even when the two of them didn't talk, and even when they passed each other in the hallways as if the other didn't exist anymore, Robbe hadn't acted as distant as he did last week, pretending Sander and his feelings didn't matter to him, even after all they had been through. And on top of it all, he even handed him back the necklace, even though Sander had made it quite clear he wanted him to keep it. Robbe _promised._ And with giving it back, he broke the one real thing that was still left between them. No wonder Sander was broken by it. No wonder Sander didn't believe the whole fake thing had ever meant anything to him. It was as if this was the last part, the final straw of the proof he needed that Robbe didn't care about him anymore. 

Robbe was such a fucking idiot for all of this. For only thinking about himself during the whole thing, for not considering how Sander felt or what made him act the way he did, for ending things the way he did, but most importantly, for finally deciding to speak up to the boy about how he felt a few days after ending things, probably confusing him even more, telling him he wanted him back and that he was done being hurt by him, even though Sander had always been the one that was so broken inside, too. And as if all of that wasn't bad enough already, Robbe had never even really given him a chance to talk about it, either, making him feel the exact same way he had made him feel during the past four years. No wonder the boy walked away. He didn't even think Robbe wanted to listen.

 _''Shit...''_ He groaned, pulling at his brown curls, wishing he could turn it all back and do things differently. ''I didn't mean to hurt him, I just... I saw the Instagram post with Britt and I just cracked, thinking he wanted to hurt me too.''

''But have you asked him?''

''What?''

''Why he ever went back to her?''

''Yeah,'' It was one of the few things Robbe had let him explain. And now that he thought about it, his answer made even more sense to him than it already did. ''He told me she was the only one who has never wanted to leave him.''

''Then isn't it obvious? He needs a confirmation, Robbe. A reason to believe you won't leave this time.'' And Noor was right. Out of all things Robbe owed him, proof that he was going to stay _and_ listen was on top of that list. He needed to show him he cared about him, for real this time, especially now that the boy had tried opening up to him but felt like Robbe didn't care enough about him to do so even further. ''Listen, Robbe, Sander carries a weight on his shoulders that he's never opened up about to anyone. The guy doesn't talk easily, neither does he trust people. You need to prove him that you want this, that you are serious about him this time. Show him that the worries he has about going back to you are wrong.''

 _Going back to you._ The thought only made Robbe shiver. ''So you think he... he wants this, too?''

The girl scoffed, a beautiful smile playing on her lips. ''Robbe, the guy has wanted you back since the second you ever stopped talking. That has never changed.'' Robbe thought he was going to throw up from the amount of butterflies going crazy in his stomach right now. Sander never despised him in the way he thought he did. He had always _wanted him back,_ from the first day to the last, but probably just having been too afraid to own up to it, thinking the brunet never had the same desire. ''He's just afraid all of it will happen again.''

Robbe determinedly shook his head, pulling his back straight. There was no way he was gonna let this happen again. He was gonna show him exactly how badly he wanted to try for him, whatever that took. ''It won't.''

''Then prove that to him. Talk to him, and show him it's different this time.''

**Monday, 16:36**

Out of all things in his life, Robbe had never been more sure about anything than he was about this. He _wanted_ Sander back, even more so after what happened at the party this weekend. He was still angry at him for doing what he did, but after talking to Noor and knowing Sander hadn't meant all of it in the way Robbe thought he did, reminding himself of the things Sander had said to him at the party as well... he knew none of it was meant to hurt him. All of it had been a way for Sander to protect himself, to take a step back because he was too afraid Robbe would hurt him the same way he had done all those years ago. If only Robbe had opened up to him sooner about how all of it made him feel, of how badly he wanted him back, of how much he truly missed him... everything that happened the past week wouldn't have- in fact, maybe Sander would've opened up about the things he said at the party a lot sooner, too. He needed Robbe to listen, he needed Robbe to talk to him and open up to him and show him just how badly he wanted this. It was so obvious, too, because if Robbe hadn't said the things he did, there was no way Sander would've kissed him like that last Saturday. And Jens was _right, again-_ if only Robbe had stopped him, held him back and given him a reason to stay, Sander wouldn't have left. It was just his mind telling him Robbe would leave him again, despite of it all. He had been way too selfish throughout this entire thing, constantly thinking about how he felt himself, not once considering that all that happened the past weeks was all a result of Sander needing the confirmation that Robbe missed him the same way he had never stopped doing himself. Working together on the project together already was a sign, but the way he distanced himself from him after being afraid Jens would always be more important than he was, was yet another verification that Sander needed clarity- he needed Robbe to tell him he was wrong, that he'd try harder for him this time, and that he'd do anything to regain the trust they had once lost. And he was right. Robbe had to open up to him about all of it- of why he once let him go, of why he suddenly ''chose'' Jens, of how he had always felt about him ever since that one moment on his 14th birthday. He needed to know it all, as soon as possible.

He walked up to the lockers in the west-wing's hallway, seeing the beautiful blonde boy stand at his locker, gathering all of his stuff to head home after all classes had finally been dismissed. But he couldn't go home just yet. Robbe needed to tell him something first. He approached him slowly, knowing they hadn't once discussed what had happened at the party and how the both of them felt about it. He didn't want to talk about _that_ now, though. Now, Sander needed to know he wanted him back in the exact way he had apparently always hoped Robbe would.

''Hey.'' He breathed out, coming to a halt next to him.

Sander looked up, his pupils dilating as he registered the curly haired boy, clearly not having expected to see him here, right now. ''Hi.''

''How... how are you?'' Robbe asked, trying to withold the situation from becoming awkward or uncomfortable, not wanting to create such atmosphere when all he came to do was convince the boy of something he really needed to hear. But _fuck,_ he looked so god damn attractive. He could barely maintain his mouth from dropping opened as he stood there in front of him, his leather jacket covering his broad shoulders, the white shirt he wore underneath contrasting incredibly with his tanned skin, his bleached blonde hair soft and fluffy, almost inviting him to hold it, pull it and dig his fingers into it the same way he did on the sink last Saturday. _Shit,_ focus, Robbe. 

''I'm... okay. You?''

''Yeah,'' Robbe swallowed. If only Sander knew what he was thinking of him right now. ''Me too.''

Sander moved his hand to the back of his head, caressing his own hair as he cleared his throat, seemingly not really knowing how to act around him. God, how badly Robbe just wanted to hold an entire speech about how much he loved him and missed him right now, how much he always thought of him the same way Sander did, too, how much he regretted everything that had happened the past four years and how god damn much he just wanted to get consumed by him, being more than enough the exact way he was. He knew he kind of already did, but he just needed to be more clear about how exactly he felt this time. But just as the inner turmoil seemed to get worse, not being sure what to say first, Sander continued: ''Did you, eh... did you already pass everything on to Noor? About the project?''

Robbe pressed his lips together, playing with the sleeves of his brown jacket as he pulled them within his palms, biting on the inside of his cheek. He looked up at the boy through his long eyelashes, trying to look as innocent as he possibly could. He knew how much this had hurt him now, and fuck, the way he wished he could take it all back if he could. He supposed him bringing this up gave him a good opportunity to start fixing this entire mess. ''I... never switched.''

The boy frowned. ''What?''

''I got the chance to switch, but I never did.'' Robbe said, watching the tiled floor as the words fell off of his lips, feeling incredibly guilty for ever coming up with the idea in the first place. He looked back up at the boy, finding his bright green eyes that were filled with surprise. ''Just like you.''

As he shut his locker closed carefully, he leaned against it with his shoulder, continuing to observe Robbe with clear confusion. ''Why not?''

Robbe licked his lips, feeling his heart skip a beat as he decided to take a step closer. He swallowed, looking down at Sander's hands, as he daringly reached out one of his own to hook his pinky around his. He didn't know why he did, all he knew was that he felt like he wanted to, as if he was called to be near to him, feeling the need to show him just how badly he wanted this. And he supposed that ever since that moment in front of the mirror a little longer than a week ago, it had just become their thing, or something like that. He brushed his thumb past the hand he was currently holding, glancing back up to find Sander watching him with a sheepish yet bewildered look, as he quietly said: ''I suppose that reason is quite obvious, don't you think?''

Sander swallowed, looking down at their intertwined hands. ''So, you still want this? Us, together? For... the project, I mean.''

''I never wanted anything else.'' He whispered, locking eyes with the boy in front of him. Silence fell for a while as they just drowned in each other's gazes, feeling their heartbeats accelerate from the words that had just left Robbe's lips. It had been a confession, even though it was a quiet one. Of course Robbe wanted this, even if he had tried to convince himself differently at the start. There was nobody else he'd possibly rather do this with. And he didn't just mean the project. ''Do you?''

The blonde nodded, gazing into Robbe's eyes with a determined expression. ''Yes.''

A hypnotic feeling rushed through his chest from Sander's obvious determination, making him grow weak in the knees as he realized that even after everything they had been through, Sander still wanted him the exact same, nevertheless. Robbe truly had been so stupid for ever doubting him, for ever blaming him, and for never considering he could in fact be feeling the same way he did. ''Then the same goes for me.''

''Okay.''

The boy looked away for a while, just paying attention to their intertwined fingers brushing past each other. Robbe could see him smile a little, the corners of his lips raising the tiniest bit, as he locked their pinkies together even tighter, pulling Robbe's hand closer to his leg. The brunet sighed, not being able to stop himself from thinking about the thought that Sander had wanted to work together with him from the start, and not being able to stop himself from feeling the need to have that thought confirmed, to be sure that everything going around in circles in his mind was actually true. 

''Sander?''

''Hm?'' He never looked up, gaze solely focused on their hands.

''Why didn't you switch? When you got the chance.''

The blonde looked back up, biting down his lower lip as he scoffed softly. He squeezed his hand, brushing his thumb past the veins on the back, as he said: ''I suppose that reason is quite obvious, don't you think?''

Their eyes locked again, like magnets being attracted to each other, suddenly not being able to let go anymore. Sander wanted him back, too. He always had. And all of this- the project, them faking it to prove Britt a point, it had all been a part of it. Not just for Robbe, but for Sander, too.

Robbe felt his legs shake, unable to tear his gaze away, not really knowing what this all meant but being sure that he couldn't wait to find out. They weren't there yet, though, in fact, they were far from it. But this right here definitely was a step into the right direction. They just had to keep this going now, communicate, listen, and most importantly show each other that things were different this time. He nodded, locking his fingers around Sander's more tightly and suddenly wishing he could relive last Saturday all over again as his hoarse voice replied: ''Yeah.''

''Should we... work on it tonight?'' Sander asked, his voice quiet, almost as if he didn't want others to know, as if this was meant for them only.

''Sure, we can do that.''

''Alright, your place, 21:00?'' The boy took a step back, creating a smile on Robbe's face as he slowly took steps back, never letting go of his hand. The funny thing was, that even though the gap between them grew bigger with every step Sander took, they hadn't been _this_ close in a very long time, the distance being smaller than ever before. Robbe knew that this, him asking to meet up tonight and discuss things, wasn't just meant for the project. Instantly, from the look in his eyes, he knew that this was more to him, a way to finally start communicating and taking this all into the right direction- the direction that the both of them wanted to go into so badly. He shivered from the realization that even after everything that happened last week, Sander _still_ wanted this, regardless of how much Robbe had hurt him. God, he owed him so much - honesty, openness, communication - all of it. And he was gonna start giving him that tonight. 

The brunet watched him bite down his lower lip, trying to prevent his smile from growing bigger. As he tried to hold on to his hand for as long as he could, he couldn't help but feel the same struggle, finally letting go. ''See you then.''

**Monday, 21:02**

Robbe's evenings truly never went the way he wanted them to. It hadn't started off that bad at first, even though he had been incredibly nervous for what was about to come later on. He had taken himself a shower, gotten himself all freshened up as he put on some newly washed clothes - them being the same ones he always wore, but still, it felt like he put in some effort nevertheless - even finding himself putting on _fragrance_ which he hadn't worn in about... ever. It was insane how much he was preparing himself for Sander to come over, watching himself in the mirror all evening because he was afraid he'd mess up his look which he usually didn't even give a shit about. He had never cared about how he looked in front of Sander. Yet, today, things somehow were very different. _I suppose that reason is quite obvious, don't you think?_ Well, thtat was quite the understatement. The reason was incredibly obvious; _Sander wanted him back, too._

But then, just as Robbe thought the evening was finally in his favor for once- Milan barged in, practically obligating him to help him with the cake he was baking for his one night stand, being convinced he'd be more than just that after he knew how much of a talented baker he really was. Except, he wasn't. Not if he apparently was so terrible at it himself that he even asked _Robbe_ to help him out, which truly said something. And here he was, an hour later, covered in dough and flower, having completely ruined his hair, clothes _and_ the way he smelled because Milan so desperately needed him to help him making a fucking cheap cake even though he knew Sander was coming by. Robbe really needed to stop helping others just because he didn't want to disappoint them.

Having completely lost track of time, Robbe's heart skipped a beat as he heard the doorbell ring, knowing exactly who was standing on their doorstep right now.

''Milan, could you open the door for me?'' He yelled, trying to rub the dough off of his hands but not being able to in the slightest. Of course, Robbe was standing here with his hands buried in this sticky shit while Milan was in the living room watching a new episode of the Kardashians, minding his own business as if Robbe would take care of it all for him. As he heard the low, familiar voice in the hallway, already sending shivers down his spine just from the sound of it, he sighed, cursing to himself. ''For fuck's sake...''

''He's here, I may have kind of ruined the dough for the cake I was making, so I asked Robbe for help. But... he's not exactly doing well, either.'' Milan said, guiding Sander towards the kitchen and gratefully introducing him to the mess Robbe was himself.

He looked up from the bowl, sending his housemate the fakest smile he'd ever pulled and lifting up a middle finger, completely covered in dough. ''Fuck you, honestly.''

Apparently, Sander didn't mind it all too much, as he leaned himself against the doorframe, crossing his legs as he watched him, both hands buried in his pockets, the biggest grin present on his lips. Milan raised his eyebrows, knowing this was his queue to leave, being very aware that he'd already messed up Robbe's evening way more than he should have done to begin with. ''Let me just grab something from my room.''

As he finally left, leaving the two boys completely on their own, Sander licked his lips, keeping his bottom one stuck beneath his teeth for a little while longer as he observed the brunet boy from head to toe. Robbe could feel his gaze burning on him as he tried to keep himself focused on the dough in his hands, not really being sure what to say to him. The reason of that might've been the fact his heart was currently pounding out of his chest, being more nervous than he had ever been around him before. The blonde let out a soft chuckle, as he pushed himself off of the wall, slowly walking himself closer towards Robbe. And with every single step he took, Robbe's breath hitched further. ''Hey, kitchen princess. Need some help with that?''

''I don't think this can be saved anymore.'' Robbe mumbled, raising the dough out of the bowl and splatting it down back into it.

''Come here,'' Sander giggled, putting a hand on his back as he passed him from behind, coming to a halt next to him and standing so close that Robbe could feel his warmth dissolving into his body. He reached up his hand, tucking one of the brunet's curls behind his ear and revealing his face to him, being fully covered in flower from his forehead all the way to his chin. _God,_ the way he was embarrassed to his core right now. But Sander didn't even seem to notice. In fact, he just carelessly caressed another hand through Robbe's hair, his thumb passing his cheek to brush off some of the flower that was still left onto it. His touch carved into his veins, setting his skin on fire. Robbe wasn't sure if he was still breathing anymore, the room suddenly feeling extremely hot even though it was the midst of winter, his eyes finding Sander's, totally forgetting what he was doing as he got lost in them, drowning gradually, deeper and deeper, all sound around him numbing completely. Like a lifeguard on a mission, Sander cleared his throat, taking the boy out of his dive and bringing him back to the one in the bowl beneath him. He let out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head as he said: ''Right, yeah, this looks disgusting.''

''Thanks, rub it in a little more, why don't you.'' The boy replied quietly, trying to ignore the way his blood still boiled in his veins. He let out an annoyed sigh as he shook his hands, desperately trying to get the dough off. ''I can't even get this shit off of my hands...''

''Let me help.'' Sander instantly grabbed both hands into his, never asking for permission or seeking reassurance, whatsoever, just... doing it, as if they did this everyday. He smiled, never leaving the look of his hands as he brushed his thumbs past his palms, a bit rough, wiping the dough off slowly but surely, gradually- in the exact same pace Robbe's knees conintued to grow weaker by every single touch. He frowned, his green eyes concentrated and entirely focused on the boy's palms as if it was his newest work of art he wanted to take care of very well. ''You need to, like, rub it off...''

Robbe couldn't help but giggle, feeling his fingertips create goosebumps on his arms. ''That tickles.''

The blonde immediately stopped, his hands still locked in his, looking back up into Robbe's eyes. ''Do you want me to stop?''

He swallowed, studying his green, luminous eyes from left to right and taking him in, as he shook his head, his hoarse voice replying: ''No.''

The two boys kept staring at each other, observing both eyes and taking the other in completely, the dough on Robbe's hands suddenly having become way less important than it originally was. In fact, the dough didn't even seem to exist anymore, as their entire world faded away, the only thing remaining being them and their desire for each other. Robbe studied his everything- his eyes, his eyebrows, his nose, the way his strong jawline mended into his cheeks that he so badly wanted to pepper with kisses, standing so close to him that he could smell his bold perfume. _God,_ he was so gone for this guy and there was nothing nobody could ever do about that. Sander looked down, gazing at his lips, as he bended over even closer, filling up the remaining gap between them, the distance that was still left slowly disappearing.

''Right, I'm coming to save you guys from this kitchen disas-'' Right before their lips touched, both boys pulled back, pressing their lips together and searching around to look at anything but each other, uncomfortably shifting on their feet and silently cursing at his housemate for ruining the moment they so badly wanted to happen. Milan's eyes widened, as he raised up both hands, trying to look all innocent, as he said: ''Oh, oops. Didn't mean to interrupt something.''

''It's... it's okay, I'll just go wash my hands.'' Robbe stammered, looking back up at Sander, who had turned himself back against the kitchen counter, apparently never having stopped watching him. The way he leaned onto it, his big hands holding it and showing off his muscles right beneath the sleeves of his shirt, made Robbe want to forget Milan ever interrupted them and pick up right where they left off. But he figured that would've made him seem quite desperate. ''You can wait in my room if you want, I'll be there in a sec.''

As Sander nodded, just continuing to study Robbe the way he had been doing non-stop, Milan giggled, making the brunet blush just as bright red as the apron his housemate was wearing, finally adding: ''I promise I won't disturb anymore.''

_''Milan-!''_

**Monday, 21:22**

Why did Robbe's evenings always have to turn into such a big mess? This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go at all- he was supposed to be sitting in his room with Sander right now, communicating about everything that had happened, making him feel safe and comfortable being this close to him again and proving him that things were different from now on. But here he was, standing inside his bathroom, trying to somewhat restore himself from the baking mess he was, instead of doing what it was he so badly needed and _wanted_ to do tonight. He knew he could still try, the point was just that with Sander, things were somehow always against their will. It made him afraid to a point that maybe the universe didn't want them to be together, not as friends, neither as more. Maybe he was just being a drama queen, Milan called him that quite often for a reason, but still. The feeling in his gut told him that he just didn't deserve any of this. But that didn't mean he wasn't going to try.

As he finally somewhat freed himself from the mix of dough and flower all over his body and clothes, he walked back to his room to find the blonde boy that was already there, sitting on his bed as he leaned both arms on his legs, fingers playing with one another as he waited for Robbe to finally come back and start... whatever they had to start tonight. Which, was quite a lot.

''Hey.'' The boy looked up from his hands as he heard his voice and the sound of the door falling closed, smiling softly as he found his face.

''Hi there, king of baking.''

Robbe rolled his eyes, not being able to prevent a grin as Sander's very present playful mood somehow brought it out of him. It made him feel like he maybe had faith in this, in _him,_ and that he wasn't just giving them a second chance because he missed the feeling of their friendship, but because he really missed _Robbe_ too. ''Shush, I prefer Robin over that one.''

''Oof, it must be _really_ bad then.'' Sander snorted. He restored himself, as he bit down on his lower lip while observing the brunet from up, all the way down his body. His eyes twinkled as he took his time with it, ever-so-smoothly watching him as if he didn't care Robbe noticed, not forgetting a single spot while the seconds ticked away on the clock, finally asking: ''Did you manage to get it off?''

Oh, so _that's_ why he looked at him like that. ''Yeah, thank you for helping.''

The same soft smile from a few minutes ago found its way back onto Sander's face, as he seemed to remember the exact same thing Robbe did. The way their hands met, the way electricity shot down their bodies as they forgot about what they were doing and solely focused on each other while the world surrounding them seemed to fade away. Robbe had never been so fascinated by someone. He somehow made the entire world stop moving by just the simplest gesture. But then again, out of all exceptions in the entire world, Sander was the biggest one of them. He played with the ring around his finger, turning it and twisting it as he licked his lips, staring up into Robbe's eyes through his long eyelashes. ''No worries.''

''I... I know it would've been better if we could've worked on it in the living room, but Zoë has friends over, so...''

''It's okay, we can just... sit on the bed. That's no problem.''

''You sure?''

''Yeah, I mean, it's nothing we haven't done before, right?'' He was right. It wasn't. They had lied in bed together endless times- watching his favorite movies, discussing their future as they played with each other's hands, falling asleep together to the sound of Sander's soothing voice as he kept rambling on about his passions and the thoughts crossing his mind. They even did it not that long ago, on the trip, and even though they hadn't shared about how they really felt back then just yet, they both knew it meant more to them than they had led on in that moment. It had always been more. It had always felt just like it did all those years ago. Even years of being apart could never be able to change that feeling.

''Right.'' Robbe mumbled, watching Sander make himself comfortable on his sheets, noticing that, on the contrary to back when things were the way they so badly wanted them to be right now, he didn't bury himself underneath. Instead, he rested himself on top, completely rumpling his sheets, leaving him with an ache in his chest because he knew he didn't feel comfortable enough just yet to take things _that_ far. He had a fair point, though. It would've been too quick- too big of a step to suddenly do things the way they used to do right from the start. They had to take things slow, step by step, if they wanted to make this work in a pleasant way for either of them.

He slowly walked himself towards the bed, shuffling on his socks and hands tied up in each other, nervously biting down on his lip as he sat himself down next to the boy, trying to find a position that didn't just make him, but also Sander feel comfortable. He crossed his legs, remembering how Sander always used to do the same just so their knees could touch. But it wasn't like that anymore. And even though Sander had somewhat admitted he felt more for him than just being... whatever they were, he couldn't help but remind himself that the guy he so badly wanted to get back in the way he always had him, was _dating_ someone right now, in fact, someone he went back to even though Robbe had tried to keep him away from her. ''Did you and Britt have a nice Valentine's day?''

''I had a nice day,'' Sander shrugged, staring at his hands. ''I don't know about Britt, though.''

Robbe frowned, not understanding his choice of words. ''What do you mean?''

''I wasn't with her.'' Robbe's heart skipped a beat as Sander finally looked up into his eyes, a rush of hope and relief flowing through his body as he realized that maybe... Jens had been right _again._ ''I broke up with her yesterday morning.''

So when Robbe felt insecure to a point that it made him want to cry, feeling alone and misunderstood because Sander didn't just say what he wanted but decided to spend the day with his toxic girlfriend, the boy did everything that was the contrary of his worries. He _hadn't_ been with her. Not even on the day where the entire world expected him to be. He really should be listening to his best friend more often. He knew Sander better than he thought he still did- of course the boy wouldn't be with his girlfriend he tried to get rid of when the real reason behind being with her _wasn't_ because he truly wanted to. The post Sander had made on Valentine's Day suddenly made clear sense to him.

_There's no place I'd rather be._

He meant him. Four years ago, and right now. He had always meant Robbe.

''Wait- _what?_ You broke up with her on _Valentine's day?''_

''I... did.'' Sander made a guilty expression, raising his eyebrows with wide eyes as he seemed to realize that maybe... that hadn't been the wisest decision. But then again, he had no reason or obligation to stay with Britt when there was no reason to do so. In fact, there were hundreds of reasons why he should've left her way sooner, instead. ''Oops?''

Both boys watched each other for a second, as they let out a soft snort, smiling at each other as they both knew that the entire break-up wasn't just meant for Sander. It was meant for _them._

Robbe giggled, his hands playing with his sheets as he looked over his shoulder, finding the boy's twinkling eyes that had never left him. ''Such a heart-breaker, aren't you?''

''I don't know. Am I?''

Silence fell for a second, as Robbe's smile slowly disappeared. ''Why are you asking me?''

Sander shrugged, breaking eye-contact to focus himself on the sheets beneath him instead, mirroring Robbe's actions. ''Just... because.''

And it was in that moment that Robbe knew, _this was it._ This was the point where they finally had to start opening up to each other. No walking away, no hesitations, no sign of doubt this time around. It was time they started communicating and being honest about the way they felt, the way they had been feeling for a long time. And right here, right now, with just the two of them sitting on Robbe's bed, the boy knew that this was the right moment to finally put down his mask and let himself be vulnerable in front of the boy he used to always do that with years ago.

''Why did you break up with her?''

Sander shrugged again, mumbling: ''I guess it didn't feel right to be with her when there's someone else on my mind, instead.''

 _There's someone else on my mind._ It sounded incredibly familiar to his: _I can't fucking stop thinking about you._ Fuck, there it was. _Finally._

''So why didn't you call that someone yesterday?''

''Because I was scared that one was mad at me.''

''Why would they be mad at you?''

''Because... of what I did last week. And because of how much of an asshole I've been to them.''

''Maybe that someone thinks they've treated you badly, too.''

Sander finally looked up from the sheets, staring back into Robbe's brown eyes. His expression turned soft, maybe even a little broken, in the exact same way it had done at the lockers last week. ''Why's that?''

''Just... everything. Letting go of you. Making you feel how you felt. Making you think they chose someone else over you. And for... not being honest sooner about how everything during the past weeks felt for them.''

''How did it feel for them?'' Sander asked, his voice hoarse, knowing exactly how it felt for him, but wanting to hear him say it out loud regardless of that. And he had all the right to.

''It felt... incredible.'' Robbe smiled sheepishly, his eyes besotted of love as he felt the exact same feeling rushing through his chest as he reminded himself of it. He had truly never felt anything quite like it before. Falling in love with Sander was more magical than life's miracles alltogether, silencing all his thoughts and worries and replacing them with him only, and the knowledge that life couldn't possibly become more beautiful than it was with him being the main character in Robbe's story. ''Like, recognizing an old feeling and...''

''Being captured by it again?'' Sander finished his sentence for him, confirming the obvious that he knew so damn well how Robbe felt, simply because... he felt it too.

They both smiled, knowing they both knew, letting out a soft breath as they stared at each other's hands on the sheets, not that far away from each other, almost being a metaphor for the small distance that was still left between them but grew closer and closer with each word they spoke. ''Yeah.''

''I know that feeling.''

Robbe glanced up, finding the boy's face. ''You do?''

''Yeah,'' Sander's hand moved forward, shifting itself towards Robbe's over the soft, white sheets, to finally, carefully lay down his fingertips on the back of his hand. ''I guess I just... missed it.''

''I- I mean, _they,_ missed it, too.'' Robbe whispered, feeling his voice turn hoarse in the middle of his sentence, knowing they were speaking for _them_ without taking that step to make it theirs just yet. But it was about time they did go that far, and Robbe knew it was his job to do so. It was the very least he owed him after everything that happened because of him. ''Sander, about everything I said last week...''

''Did you mean it?''

Sander's interruption left him startled, as he looked up, tearing his gaze away from their intertwined hands. ''What?''

''Everything,'' He sighed, moving his hand further on top of Robbe's, almost as if it was a way to hold onto him, scared that he'd let go of him again. ''I just... I need to know that it'll be different this time.''

''Yes, I did mean it, every damn word.'' Robbe turned his hands around, embracing Sander's with them, dragging them onto his lap as he shifted his body closer towards his, knees resting on top of his spread out legs. Suddenly, he didn't care so much about taking steps too quickly that much anymore. What mattered now, what mattered always, was that Sander believed him and trusted him with the promises he made just for him. ''I need you to know I'm serious. About this, about us. I wasn't aware of the things I did back then, and I hate myself for ever ruining it the way I did...''

''Don't,'' The blonde said, shaking his head, shifting closer, too. ''Don't hate yourself.''

''But I- I didn't want to lose you, or... or replace you. You could never even be replaced. I just- I was just so fucking _stupid...''_

''Hey,'' A tear rolled down Robbe's cheek, not being able to hold it back anymore after everything that had happened, maybe being a bit too vulnerable right in front of him, having let down his guard so much that the feelings he had been able to hold back until now, suddenly weren't able to be held back anymore. Out of all mistakes he had made in his life, losing Sander had to be the worst one. The boy released one hand from his to move it up to his cheek, brushing away the tear with his thumb. ''Calm down, Robbe.''

''I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry,'' The brunet sighed, staring down at his lap, avoiding any kind of eye-contact because he, ironically, really didn't want Sander to see him this way. He didn't want him to think he was trying to play the victim, or that he was trying to make him forgive him by showing his vulnerable side. That wasn't what mattered. The words he said mattered, and the fact Sander trusted him enough to believe them. Another tear rolled down, one by one, as he felt his breath quicken from the scary thought that even now, even here, Sander wouldn't believe anything, simply because he had once been stupid enough to ruin their bond. ''I'm such an idiot. For everything, for making you feel how you felt, for never reaching out, for letting it all go because I was too busy with my own _fucking_ bullshit...''

''Robbe, it's _okay-''_

''No. No, it isn't,'' He was full on sobbing right now, eyes turning red as the tears streamed down his face. ''I'm sorry for making you feel like I never wanted to listen. I _do_ want to listen, so damn much, I just- I can _explain-''_

His sentence was cut off abruptly, as the blonde boy cupped both of his cheeks into his big hands, crashing his lips onto his. He silenced him, drowning his lips into all of the words he still wanted to say, quietly telling him there was no need to continue. And _God,_ there was no way Robbe still could, not even if he tried to. His lips didn't just silence his words- they silenced all of his thoughts in the same way he did just by existing, creating fireworks in his stomach as the butterflies exploded in his chest, unable to think straight any further. His lips washed over him like a wave of warmth, curling his toes, unfurling all of his senses as the taste of him made him lose balance, wanting to melt into him, wanting more and more with every single second that passed.

He slowly moved his lips down, brushing them past his a little longer, finally letting go. He kept their faces close, his still held in his big hands, brushing their noses together to try and soothe him.

 _Fuck,_ Robbe was so head over heels in love with him that he had to remind himself how to _breathe._

''Listen to me,'' Sander's voice was low and hoarse, the effect of their kiss still very present in the sound of it. ''We can't change the past, can we? But we can decide what happens in the future.''

Robbe just stared into his big, luminous eyes, drowning in them the same way he always did, them being so close now that the undeniable feeling almost made him unconscious, his face flurried as he stammered: ''What?''

''What happened, happend, okay? It's... in the past. We cant change it anymore. But we can decide what we want to happen now.''

''What do you want to happen now?'' Robbe whispered.

''Well, firstly, I want you to stop hating yourself,'' Sander brushed their foreheads together, moving their noses from left to right. ''There's no reason for you to do so. It's the complete contrary, actually.''

''But-''

He freed one hand from Robbe's cheek to put his index finger onto his lips, silencing him once again. He raised one eyebrow, a smirk appearing on his face. ''You wanted to listen to me, right?''

Robbe nodded against his forehead, letting out a nervous giggle before restoring himself, turning serious as he knew this question mattered more to Sander than he led on. ''Yes. So damn much.''

His smile grew a bit wider, a puddle of brightness showing up in his green eyes, as he stared down at his lips, licking his own, before finally gazing back up into Robbe's brown ones. ''Then listen when I say this: I believe you when you say you're sorry. Let's just... move on, okay? And do things differenty this time.''

''Okay.''

Curiosity washed over his features, as he scanned Robbe's face for answers, searching for reassurance. ''Yeah?''

Robbe bit down his lower lip, reminding himself of the flavor of his lips, the overpowering flicker of his touch, and the fact they were sitting here like this, still love-stoned from what had just happened, unknowingly drowning into each other's eyes as they mirrored a dumbstruck smile. ''Yeah.''

**Monday, 23:54**

The evening had passed _way_ quicker than Robbe had expected it to. He hadn't been sure how tonight would go, not knowing what they'd talk about or if there would be a point where Sander would just... leave again. But he hadn't. In fact, they hadn't been lying in bed this close ever since four years ago, only a few hours after admitting they missed each other and finally, slightly opening up about how they felt. Sander broke up with Britt, this time even confessing it was for _him,_ not being insecure about her this time, not feeling the need to prove to her he was being honest about being over her. He didn't care. Robbe was the one on his mind, and Britt couldn't change anything about that. And _fuck,_ Robbe couldn't even begin to explain how much that made him feel. They weren't there yet, though. They weren't at the same level they used to be just before it all came crashing down all those years ago. They still hadn't talked about everything that had ever happened, or explained anything to each other that really needed to be explained in the end. But all of this - finally being alone with just the two of them, opening up slightly about the way they felt - they were all little steps into the right direction. He didn't want to push Sander or their relationship that might've just gotten a fresh start. They needed to take this slow and make sure the mistakes they once made - mostly Robbe - weren't gonna happen again this time. And right here, lying next to him in the bed, things felt... good. Familiar. Safe. And that was all that mattered right now. 

As Robbe kept his eyes focused on the laptop resting on his legs, the movie they had chosen for their project still playing mid-way, he slowly felt Sander move next to him, ending up on his shoulder as he let out a soft breath. The brunet looked to his left and bowed forward just a little to be able to see the blonde's face, his eyes being closed, his lips parted- the boy having left to dream land and feeling safe enough to do so on Robbe's shoulder, using it like his pillow in the way he always used to do. It made him shiver from head to toe, the fact that he felt comfortable like this, the fact he felt safe enough to fall asleep near to him, but mostly the fact he was lying like this, resting on his body, close to him in ways they hadn't been in a long time. 

And even though Robbe didn't _want_ to wake him up, being able to watch him forever and ever as he lied here, being more beautiful than all sunsets and stars combined, resting on him, he knew he had to give him the choice whether or not he really wanted to stay here. He wasn't allowed to make that decision for him, especially not now they just tried to start over. It could've been just a simple thing, but Robbe still wanted to communicate about it with him, nevertheless.

''Sander?'' He whispered, moving his index finger to the boy's cheek, softly caressing it past it.

The boy moved his cheek against his shoulder, brushing his skin past the fabric of his shirt, keeping his eyes closed. ''Hm?''

''Hey, wake up,'' Robbe continued, trying to nudge him a little bit with an ache in his chest, seeing the boy lie down on him so _peacefully_ that he couldn't possibly tear his gaze away. God, how much he just wanted to keep him here, hold him all night and feel close to him all over again. Sander's eyes fluttered opened a little bit, still left in a sleeping haze, as the brunet quietly said: ''It's almost midnight, maybe you should... go home?''

Sander shook his head, letting out a soft groan as he moved onto his side, pressing himself further against Robbe. ''Mmnah, I don't want to.''

 _Shit._ His heart pounded out of his chest at this point, hard enough to hear, obvious enough for Sander to notice. He swallowed, feeling blood raise to his cheeks as he stammered: ''Wh- what?''

The boy shrugged, digging his face deeper into Robbe's neck, brushing his nose past his skin. He let out a sigh, as he suddenly wrapped his arm around his waist, intertwining them together as if the past four years had never even happened. He knew Sander got sleep drunk, he always did. But even though he was aware, Robbe couldn't help but think Sander wasn't asleep _that_ far to not notice what he was doing. God, he was so _fucking_ in love with everything about him. His heart skipped a beat, his breath hitching right after as the boy nuzzled his nose into the crook of his neck, letting out a warm breath that mended their bodies together. ''Just... want to stay with you.''

''Are you sure?''

''Hm-m. Very.'' Robbe couldn't help but smile sheepishly, not being able to prevent it from growing even further as he rested his chin against Sander's head, feeling his soft, fluffy hair brush past his lips. He giggled softly, moving the both of them down a little to lie them down on the pillows of his bed, reaching his hands out to grab the sheets and pull them up a bit closer, burying them underneath in the way he thought would've been to quick only a few hours ago. He moved his hand up to lay it down on Sander's shoulder, keeping him safe and close, hoping it was another part of the proof Sander needed to believe Robbe meant every single word he had said. He wasn't gonna leave him this time. Not even in a million years.

''Okay, goodnight, then.''

The boy pressed a featherlight kiss to his neck, tightening his grip around him as he whispered: ''Night, baby.''

**August 20th, 2017**

_Robbe’s birthday had never been any different from today. He started the day with his parents, receiving way too many presents that made him feel like the luckiest kid in the world. He would always watch a movie with them afterwards, not necessarily saying too much but just enjoying their time together as a family. Robbe didn’t have many friends, he never had, but there was one friend who would always show up, no matter what the circumstances were. Sander, his best friend ever since he entered kindergarten, had never missed one birthday, always showing up at the exact same time, twelve o’clock, bringing a present that became more meaningful with each year that passed._

_It was the part of his birthday Robbe always looked forward to the most. Hearing the doorbell ring, just knowing it was Sander, running downstairs in a second to open the door and see the most familiar face right in front of him._

_‘’Hey, curly head. Happy birthday!’’ Sander walked himself in as he stepped over the threshold, hugging Robbe tight as he enclosed him within his arms, them always having been a tad stronger than Robbe's. They'd hug tighter and way more intimate than other friends would, burying their noses into each other's shoulders so deep they almost weren't able to breathe, as they would sometimes stand there wrapped up in each other's arms for so long they'd lost count, but they never made a point of it. It was just the way their friendship worked. They were close, closer than others, even at this age. But they had been through so much, having grown up together, experienced their entire youth together, that it just… happened that way._

_They spent the entire afternoon playing video games and watching movies Robbe knew Sander liked, sitting together on his bed, their legs intertwined and their arms brushing past one another every few minutes as the clock ticked away, quicker than they both wanted it to. It felt safe, as if Robbe felt even more at home when Sander was around. He didn’t exactly know how to describe being with him- all he knew, was that it felt good, somehow even better during the past few months, and that he felt like he could truly be himself every single time he was near. There honestly was no other person Robbe would rather be with, not on the usual days of the week, neither on his one special day of the year._

_Sander was his rock, the one person he could always count on, no matter what it was about. The friend who would go through anything and everything if something had happened to him - even if it concerned the most simple thing -, protect him whenever he thought it was needed, and care for him even when Robbe thought nobody else would. Maybe that’s why the both of them had never really had any other friends. They had always had each other. And that had always been enough._

_And then, after the afternoon had passed and the two boys were tired from playing video games and laughing constantly, almost falling asleep on each other's shoulders as they watched Romeo and Juliet together for the thousandth time, chuckling sleepily as they'd always finish the characters' sentences whilst sitting there all wrapped up in each other (Sander would always do Romeo's, whereas Robbe would do Juliet's, for some odd reason), the brunet finally sat up, grabbing his bag from underneath Robbe’s bed and putting a present into his hands. It was something different every year. More meaningful. More special. Evolving in the same way their friendship did._

_‘’Open it!’’ Sander said, a bright smile covering his face as he studied Robbe’s face and his hands as they explored the wrapping paper, trying to find a way to get it off without ripping it. The twinkle in his eyes moved rapidly, being both excited and nervous for Robbe’s reaction at the exact same time. But he didn’t have to be nervous, there really was no reason to. Whatever it was, Robbe knew he was gonna love it either way. He always would when it came to Sander._

_As he finally got rid of the wrapping paper, he studied the present Sander had given him this time. It was a small black box, a red ribbon tied around it to keep it together. If Robbe didn't know any better, he swore most people only gave stuff like this to each other when they were... more. More than just friends. More than just two people who had grown up next to each other their entire lives. He shook his head quickly, making his brown curls fall down on his forehead, as he reminded himself that Sander didn't feel the same way he had started to feel ever since a few months. Robbe still wasn't sure what the feeling was, or what exactly it meant. But he did know it was different, somehow._

_He moved his fingers past the ribbon, opening up the small box within his slender hands as he revealed what was inside- a golden guardian angel pendant necklace shining bright into his eyes. He swallowed, feeling his heart swell at the sight of it, never having seen something as beautiful as this ever before._

_‘’Sander…’’ Robbe quietly said, astonished by the present he was currently holding within his hands. He felt his eyes starting to water in the back, not being sure what to say._

_‘’Do you like it?’’ His friend asked, observing Robbe’s emotions, trying to find out whether they were positive or negative. But he really had no reason to worry. This must've been the most amazing present Robbe had ever received in his entire life._

_He let out a surprised scoff, looking up from the little box in his hands to find Sander’s expecting gaze. ‘’Like it? San, I absolutely love it.’’_

_Sander sighed relieved, mumbling a soft ‘’okay’’ as he scooched over to Robbe a bit closer. ''Do you want to try it on?''_

_Nodding quickly, the brunet smiled, clearly being both reassured and proud of himself by his friend's reaction. He put one hand underneath Robbe's, cupping it to hold the box steady. The touch only sent shivers down Robbe's spine, making him feel as if he was being lifted up from the bed they were still sitting on, so close to each other that he was able to smell Sander's perfume. His long fingers grabbed ahold of the necklace, taking it out carefully as he opened the chain. Robbe turned himself around, facing his friend with his back and giving him access to put it on, his heart beating out of his chest as he realized just how special this moment was to him. Of course Sander gave him a necklace. Nobody else would ever do the same. Yet, Sander somehow always managed to make Robbe feel like he was worth being treated like nobody else was._

_Sander's fingers shifted the hair in his neck aside, moving the necklace over his head as he locked the chain on the back. ''Why did you choose a guardian angel?'' Robbe asked, trying to ignore the way Sander's touch made him feel, looking down to his chest as he held the pendant within his fingers, smiling down at it as he suddenly felt like a new person with it on. All because of Sander._

_The boy behind him smiled sheepishly, as his fingers travelled past the chain, creating goosebumps all over Robbe's body. He swore he felt his lips brush past his skin, too- but the feeling went by so quickly, he wasn't sure whether his suspicion had been right._

_''Because... we're starting high school in two weeks, and since we're in different classes, I just wanted to make sure you feel protected, even when I'm not around to do so.''_

_Robbe scoffed, his eyes blinking rapidly. As he stayed silent, not being sure what to say or how to put the things he felt into words, Sander seemed to start worrying it was all too much, instantly clearing his throat as he stammered: ''Not... not that I don't think you can't protect yourself. But I- I just... I want you to be safe.''_

_''And I will be, thanks to you.'' Robbe said, turning himself around to face the boy, brushing their knees together as they crossed their legs on top of each other. He grabbed ahold of Sander's hands, resting them in between them as he played with his fingers, trying to comfort him and show him he had nothing to be worried about. ''But it's just high school, San. We'll still see each other during lunch breaks and as we pass each other in the hallways.''_

_''I know,'' Sander mumbled, letting out a soft laugh. ''I somehow just can't shake how much I care about you.''_

_''That's sweet.'' The boy practically massaged his hands now, wanting to prove him that however he felt was okay. They were both feeling something, yet, unable to describe what exactly it was. It was something. It was everything. ''I won't take it off ever again.''_

_Sander looked up, staring into his brown eyes with a very present twinkle, clearly being pleased with the fact Robbe loved it so much and understood how important the meaning behind it was to him. ''You promise?''_

_And in that moment, Robbe suddenly knew. The twinkle in Sander's eyes, the sheepish grin on his face as he observed him from head to toe and glanced back at their intertwined hands, sitting here all closely together on the bed as if the whole world surrounding them didn't matter to them anymore. Seeing Sander like this, as he held his both hands locked within his and gave them a reassuring squeeze every now and then, the pendant of the angel necklace brushing past his chest and protecting him in ways only Sander ever could, made Robbe realize exactly how he was feeling, finally being able to pin-point it and how it had changed during the past few months._

_Robbe was in love with him._

_So much, that it dazzled him and made the entire world around him completely and totally insignificant. He was the only one that mattered. He always would be._

_''I promise.''_

**Tuesday, 7:22**

There was this one quote Robbe liked a lot. _We've all touched people who were so beautiful as beings that we never notice whether they are physically beautiful or if an eternal beauty just lives within them._ Whenever he reminded himself of that quote, he somehow always thought of Sander. And here, in this moment, seeing the boy lie down peacefully next to him on one of his pillows, resting his hand beneath his face as he lied down on his side, facing him, lips parted as he breathed in and out in a steady rhythm, it was one of those moments where it came back to him. Because God, he was so incredibly beautiful. His beauty was like the seasons: ever changing yet somehow always staying the same. And as soon as he believed he finally figured out just how pretty he was, it suddenly snowed in spring, his beauty being everlasting, infinite, showing up even in times where you thought it couldn't. Sander was never not beautiful. He was a walking blessing, from the inside and out, and Robbe just couldn't believe he ever let him go. And out of all things he was sure of in his life, losing him was something he'd never do ever again. Not anymore.

As if the boy knew he was watching him, he slowly blinked his eyes opened, staring into Robbe's sheepish ones, not even being able to tear his gaze away if he tried to. But he didn't want to. He could watch him like this forever. ''Morning.''

Sander smiled, turning onto his back as he brushed his hands past his face, tilting his face back towards him and squinting his eyes. ''Hey.''

''Did you sleep well?'' Robbe asked, staying in the same position to keep observing him, looking ever so pretty in the golden lights of the upcoming sun shining through his curtains. 

''I did,'' His sleeping voice said, taking in the room surrounding him, before finally glancing back into Robbe's eyes. ''I'm sorry for falling asleep here, I didn't mean-''

''That's okay, San,'' Robbe said, quickly interrupting him, not wanting him to apologize for something he never had to be sorry for. ''You know it is.''

They just kept staring into each other's eyes, as Sander suddenly started to smile brightly- wider than he'd seen in a very long time, as he closed his eyes, tiny wrinkles showing up at the edges as he hid his face in his pillow, licking his lips as he looked back up at Robbe. He looked so adorable that Robbe had to maintain himself and keep himself from cupping his cheeks with both hands.

''Why are you smiling like that?'' Robbe asked, his lips parted in a soft, expecting smile, confused by why Sander looked at him this... happily, almost as if he'd done or said something that resulted in this reaction from him. 

The blonde moved his tongue past the inside of his cheek. ''Like what?''

''Like _that.''_

''Just...'' Sander shrugged, keeping his bottom lip locked between his teeth. ''You called me San.''

Oh, so _that_ was why he smiled like that. God, how was he able to create butterflies everywhere inside Robbe's body even when the words he said weren't about him? He let out a soft scoff, nodding his head as he sent the same bright smile back towards him. ''I did.''

''It's been a while since you did that.''

''It's been long enough now.''

Sander blinked a few times, continuing to observe his eyes, as if he tried to process what Robbe's words meant. He silently hoped he started to trust him more, believe him more, even though he had said that everything that had happened was okay. He just needed to be sure of it. Sander deserved to feel wanted in the way he had missed the past four years. 

''Robbe?''

''Hm?''

''Yesterday, when I asked whether you still wanted this? Us? I... didn't just mean the project.''

Robbe moved towards him a tiny tad closer, literally linging onto his lips and every word he said. ''What else did you mean?''

Sander shrugged, pressing his lips together. ''Us, as in like... I don't know, friends?''

 _Friends._ It was quite the understatement when you considered just how... _close_ they had been the past few weeks. Did friends fake a relationship together? Did friends yearn for each other, tempt each other at high school parties and shove each other onto sinks because they couldn't stop thinking of the other, so desperately wanting to be close to them and drown in them, because there couldn't have possibly been any other feeling that was better than the one the other made them feel? Did friends fall asleep together like this, intertwined with one another, using each other's shoulder as a pillow because even the softness of the bed itself didn't live up to the softness their safety made them feel? Did friends kiss each other, want each other, desire each other, in the way they did between them?

''Just friends?'' Robbe asked quietly.

''Maybe.''

He moved a hand towards the middle of the bed, resting it between their pillows, watching Sander observe it as he did so. He shifted up his knee, making it touch Sander's, creating a kind of electricity between them that was unable to be left unnoticed. ''Did last weekend feel like just friends to you?''

''No,'' The blonde answered, swallowing as he moved up his own hand, too, resting it on Robbe's, intertwining their fingers together. The cold metal of his ring against his skin made him shiver all the way down to his spine. ''But it never really has, hasn't it?''

He was right. They had never been ''just friends''. Not the past few weeks, not the past four years, not all of the years they grew up with each other, on the other's side. Yeah, they were friends. But there had always been something more. A lot more. He suddenly rememberd a thought he had once had, back on his 14th birthday when Sander had given him the necklace, not being sure of what it was he felt just yet. It was something. _It was everything._

Robbe licked his lips, moving even closer, a little bit yet again. ''Let's just... take it slow, and see what happens.''

Sander smiled, nodding as he bit down on his lower lip, shifting forward to meet Robbe's forehead, whispering: ''That sounds like a good deal to me.''

Just as the boy wanted to reach out even further, most likely intending to do things Robbe wanted him to so badly, he knew that when he said to take things slow, he really meant taking a step back, communicating more, talking about things that still had to be talked about. They couldn't just... dive into this without discussing things in their past, or act like they never happened. If they wanted this, it had to be healthy, it had to have a good base. He owed him that. They owed each other that. ''But... Sander?''

''Yeah?''

''Are you sure you want this, though? After everything I did...''

''Robbe,'' Sander moved his hand up, brushing it through his brown curls carefully, soothing him in ways words never could. ''I know you're sorry about what happened. I already told you that.''

''I know, but I just... I still want to explain, I didn't _mean_ to replace you, I was just a fucking idiot for never talking to you about all of it. The whole thing with Jens, he was never you, and that was never the intention, either. And then the fucked up thing I did with the necklace-''

''Hey,'' He cupped his cheek, moving forward at first, but backing down a second later, almost as if he'd originally wanted to shut him up using his lips once again, but then restored himself, changing his mind, knowing words were the solution they both needed right now. ''Like I said last night, I know that you meant what you said.''

''But... how? After all I did?''

''Do you feel this?'' Sander grabbed his hand again, pulling it towards his chest and resting it down right above his heart. It was pounding like crazy, so quick, that Robbe thought it'd burst out at some point.

The brunet swallowed, the fact that he had such an influence on Sander being somewhat insane to him. ''Yeah.''

''That's how I know it's right.'' He whispered, shifting closer and brushing their noses together. ''Let's just focus on the here and now, okay? We're in control of now, and I like how things are now, here, with you.''

Robbe smiled sheepishly, just watching him with love-struck eyes. ''I do, too.''

''Good.''

And they just stayed there, all morning long, wrapped up in each other without taking any steps further, until their on-going alarms kept telling them to move out and go to school. It was perfect. It was everything they needed in that moment. Them. Just each other.

**Wednesday, 11:55**

**Wednesday, 16:08**

Taking a look at his watch, Robbe knew he was _way_ too late to meet up with Sander, it not having been his intention but there somehow always being something or someone that got in the way of things he really wanted to do. And of course, Jens held him back at the end of the biology class, asking him to explain an entire fucking chapter they needed to revise, not understanding a single thing and hoping his best friend could save him from his misery. Robbe wouldn't have been Robbe if he had said no, so he stayed, explaining it in ways even the teacher didn't take time for, practically shoving an entire summary underneath his nose and making sure Jens felt better about it, not wanting him to go home with a bad feeling. And on top of that, he didn't want Jens to know he was meeting up with Sander after class, anyway. Not because he wanted to keep secrets from him or because he wasn't sure about Sander, but it was all just so... new. So fresh. He didn't know himself what it was quite yet, him and Sander hadn't even discussed that themselves, so he didn't feel like explaining that to others right now, either. He needed some time to let it settle before he started a conversation like that. Because once he did, Jens most likely wouldn't shut up about the fact Robbe had _finally_ gotten himself more than just a random party hook-up and fallen in love with the guy that once used to be his best friend. He knew he meant well, but he just didn't feel like that right now.

As he walked around the corner to the south-wing's entrance, the spot where Sander had asked him to meet up with him after his class got dismissed, he felt his heart thump in his throat, nervousness rushing through his veins as he wasn't sure what to expect. Yesterday had been... sweet. Lovely. He figured they both knew there was more to it than just being friends again, they just hadn't said it out loud quite yet. And Robbe knew exactly what he felt- he had never been more in love with him than he was now, making his soul crawl out of his hiding place, lighting up the life inside of him like nothing or no one had ever done before. He fell in love with Sander for what he first thought was no reason, yet, it happened to be infinite ones, without ever choosing to, without ever predicting he would. He just... fell. Hard. Uncontrollably. And now that the pages had finally turned, them talking again, and Sander even admitting there was more to this, too- he had never felt more alive.

His eyes finally fell onto the boy, good-looking as ever as he leaned against the graffiti wall, legs crossed and hands buried in the pockets of his tight, dark jeans, as he stood there smoking a cigarette, having waited for Robbe _far_ too long. But he was still here. Regardless of however long it took. Because that's how Sander was, and how he always had been. He had never given up on him.

''Hey, you.'' Robbe smiled, walking up to him slowly as he took in his presence: his dark leather jacket tied around his waist, his beige sweater covering his upper body as the sun lighted up the bright color of his hair, his green eyes protected by a pair of Rayban sunglasses that made him look as if he had walked straight out of a James Bond movie. God, he looked like a _dream,_ the one Robbe kept having every night, the one that felt too incredible to be real. Yet, Sander was just that. A walking miracle, blessing Robbe's life just with his existence. It was ridiculously unfair how he just... looked like that, so _god damn_ attractive that even the sparks of the sun couldn't compete, but _fuck,_ Robbe had never felt more grateful that he got to be a part of _this guy's_ life. Finally, again. After all this time.

''God, finally,'' Sander groaned, moving his sunglasses up into his hair, a few strands of bleached hair hanging down over his forehead as he took one last drag of his cigarette before throwing it away. Shit, Robbe really had to be careful he didn't start drooling right on the spot, _that's_ how gorgeous he looked. It was ridiculous just how out of his league Sander truly was. ''It took you long enough.''

''Sorry, Jens needed my help with something.'' Fuck, of course he mentioned Jens in front of Sander once again. He didn't mean to make it sound like he chose his best friend over him just like he had done all those years ago. He _wanted_ to go see him right when the class got dismissed, but he just had a hard time choosing his battles as he never wanted to disappoint anyone. And now he just made the boy feel like he was never his first choice all over again. _''Shit,_ I didn't mean to... it was just some biology homework, I wasn't choosing-''

Sander quickly interrupted him. ''It's okay, Robbe.''

He looked up through his eyelashes, trying to make himself seem innocent and silently tell the boy he really hadn't meant it in the way it might've come across. He couldn't help but feel like Sander's clear interruptionw wasn't honest, but that he just didn't feel like hearing lies about Jens all over again. ''You know I really meant what I said, right? That I never wanted to replace you with him.''

The blonde nodded as he let out a small hum, avoiding eye-contact. He kicked away a small stone, as he quietly, not so determinedly said: ''I do.''

''Really?''

''Yes, really.''

''But, I still want to _explain-''_

''Why are you standing that far away?'' Robbe frowned as Sander suddenly changed the subject of the conversation, seeing him observe his body from head to toe. It was quite obvious how the topic ''Jens'' wasn't on top of his favorites list. No wonder it wasn't, and maybe Robbe had made that even worse right now. _God damn it._

''I... don't know? How should I be standing?''

The blonde boy grinned slightly, as he almost whispered: ''Closer.''

It was insane how it always just took one look, one touch, one whisper, for Sander to make Robbe forget about everything on his mind, to let him focus solely on him and make all of his worries and troubles irrelevant, all that mattered being him in an instant. He'd seriously follow him blindly, whatever it was he asked him. He swallowed, feeling his chest grow warm as Sander's words settled in his mind, knowing he wanted him near to him, the same way they had been yesterday. ''How much closer?''

''I can't even reach you with my hand, that's how far away you are standing from me.''

Robbe playfully rolled his eyes as he saw Sander reaching out his arm towards him, acting all bitter as he pouted his bottom lip when he wasn't able to hold him just yet. Taking a step forward to be close enough to grab Sander's hand, not being able to resist his innocent face, he said: ''Right, so something like this then-''

His heart skipped ten beats as the blonde boy suddenly enclosed his hand around his, and, instead of just holding it, used it to pull him towards him, making their bodies collide. Robbe landed against his chest, his hands resting down on it being the only thing that still seperated them from each other. Sander licked his lips as he smirked, moving his tongue past the inside of his cheek as he quietly said: ''That's better.''

''Oh.'' Robbe's cheeks were bright pink as he restored himself, moving up on his feet to find himself a comfortable position. His hands continued to rest on Sander's chest, as he settled his legs in between his and felt a wave of safety rush over his entire body from standing _this_ close to him, feeling Sander move his hands down his back and intertwining them just above his spine, keeping him locked in this place, unable to move away. They had done this before when they had to pretend they liked each other. But they weren't pretending now. This was all _real._

''Is this... okay?'' He asked, trying to find Robbe's eyes.

''Yeah, it is.''

One of Sander's hands let go of his back, the other staying in its position to keep the boy close to his chest. The other moved up to Robbe's own, resting in between their bodies, as he cupped one of them, warming it up and holding it close to his heart. Shit, his heart was beating so fast, just like his own, as if they were telling each other to grow even closer, to give in to their desire, to quit taking it slow and just... dive into each other right on the spot. It was insane how much this guy did to him. ''Does this make you nervous?''

''No,'' He swallowed, feeling his heart thump in his chest. Nervous wasn't the right word to call it. Not that he wasn't, of course he was, all of this was still new to him and he couldn't wait to explore it all with the guy that was currently holding him this close. It quite clearly was a rhetorical question. Sander knew the answer. He knew exactly what influence he had on him. But they weren't just nerves. His hands were limp on his chest, palms sweaty, feeling himself getting lightheaded just from the boy's hot breath clashing against his skin. Every time he inhaled, all he smelled was him. Every time he blinked, all he saw was him getting prettier and prettier. More tempting. He was totally, utterly _trapped_ within his embrace, within his influence, within his power. He felt nerves, pleasure, panic, but most of all, he felt _alive._ He never did just as much as he did now. ''It just... makes me feel... _things.''_

''What kind of things?'' Sander asked, feeling his breath dance over his lips.

Robbe groaned, rolling his eyes as he let out a nervous laugh, shifting on his feet within Sander's tight embrace. Did he seriously ask him that? If he started explaining the things he made him feel, they wouldn't even be done by the end of the year. And by the feeling of their hearts racing against their intertwined hands, he was sure Sander was very aware what things were on the list. ''God, do I really have to say that out loud?''

''That depends,'' Sander tilted his head, smirking as he wetted his lips with his tongue. ''You could also show me.''

Robbe swallowed, staring up into his eyes with an innocent look. ''How?''

''Just like we practised,'' He said, moving his head closer, brushing their noses past each other slowly, as if he was mixing colors together on his palette, fascinating Robbe in the way he always did. ''Instead, this time... in the way you really mean it.''

''I already meant it, back then.''

''Good,'' Sander whispered, moving his tongue past the inside of his cheek, placing his forehead against his and bringing his hand back down to wrap them both around Robbe's back, pulling him in even closer. ''I did, too.''

''Sander?'' Robbe asked quietly, as he saw Sander lowering his gaze to his mouth.

''Hm?''

''That post, on Valentine's day? Was it... you know?''

''Yes,'' He replied with a whisper, a warm breath of reassurance that found its way onto Robbe's skin. His hand moved up to his cheek, brushing his thumb past it and hooking his index finger beneath the boy's chin. ''There's no place I'd rather be. There never has been.''

And then he kissed him.

He bent down, searching for his lips, as Robbe reached up and pulled him down to him, in need of his touch, in need of his taste, wanting to dive into him in the same way he did last Saturday. God, how he had missed this, feeling the boy's hands travel all over his back, exploring him in the way he'd always wanted him to. His fingers found Sander's hair, knotting them in, clutching them to each other. He parted his lips further, deepening the kiss as their tongues met, breathing in his jasmine scent that made him lose the ability to function. Sander seemed to notice as he felt the boy weaken underneath his fingertips, melting into him, grabbing the boy's sides as he dug his hands into his skin, pulling their bodies further together, brushing their hips past each other. Neither of them wanted it to be gentle- not after having waited all this time. Waited for it to finally be _real_ all this time. He knew there were things they still needed to discuss, he knew he still wanted to explain and that, for some reason, Sander just wouldn't let him. He knew they hadn't even talked about what _this_ was between them. But here, now, standing pined against the wall, wrapped up in each other's touch and taste, Robbe wouldn't have wanted it any different. All he felt right now, was adrenaline rushing through his veins as Sander dug his hand into his hair, pulling it and making him groan, silently being very grateful they decided to find some place a little distant from the real world. He stood up on his toes, the blonde boy being a head taller than him, as he threw his arms around his neck and held him close, feeling the boy bite down his lower lip and sucking it between his own, chuckling softly as he heard Robbe whine, brushing their noses together. Robbe's hair was a mess as Sander's hands travelled all the way through it, pulling it, mixing it, grabbing it- his other resting on the bottom of his spine as he refused him from distancing, wanting to keep him close forever. And Robbe surrendered, he always would.

A buzz between their legs took them out of their moment, as Sander's phone went off, taking them back to reality, here against the gratffiti wall. The blonde boy groaned, hiding his face into Robbe's neck, leaving butterfly kisses down to where his skin met his sweater, not wanting to let go quite yet.

He let out a sigh, moving back just a little to be able to pull his phone out of his pocket and see what it was that ruined their moment they had both been waiting for so desperately. 

''Shit... I have to go.'' He said, letting out an annoyed exhale, whatever it was he was supposed to do clearly not being on top of his favorite list.

Robbe pouted, his arms still locked around the boy's neck, staring up into his eyes as he put his phone away again. ''But I don't want you to go.''

''I know... me neither. But I have somewhere to be.'' Sander smiled as he saw the boy's disappointed look, pressing their foreheads back together and leaving a soft kiss onto his nose. ''Hey, what's wrong?''

''Nothing...''

Robbe moved back, distancing himself from Sander just a little, but far enough to make the blonde worry about his choice of action. He kept staring down at his hands, playing with his fingernails and avoiding Sander's look, not wanting to say what he was currently worrying about, but somehow also knowing he didn't really have another choice. They had to communicate. The both of them had to.

Sander cupped his cheek, his big hand pulling him back carefully, as he used it to tuck one strand of curly hair behind his ear and reveal his sad, puppy-eyed face to him. ''Robbe, hey, talk to me.''

He finally looked back up, finding his eyes, desperate for reassurance, with a feeling of restraint. ''I just... it's not Britt, is it?''

 _''Britt?''_ Sander's eyes turned wide, eyebrows raised, as he moved his head back in surprise, clearly not having expected Robbe to worry about this. He let out a soft scoff, as he cupped his cheek, brushing his cheek soothingly to silently tell him he had no reason to, whiispering: ''Why on earth would I ever go see her when I have all I want right here?''

Robbe shrugged, feeling insecure regardless of the warmth glowing in his chest. ''You already went back to her once.''

''I know, but that was different.'' He said, penetrating his eyes with his own. He was right. It _was_ different. They hadn't opened up about how they felt. They hadn't discussed things that had to be discussed. They still hadn't talked about everything now, but they both knew that they already were some big steps further than they had been back when Sander made that choice. ''You and I both know it was.''

''That's true,'' Robbe felt the corners of his mouth raise slightly, surrendering to the boy that safely kept him close once again, as he reminded himself of the words he'd just said to him. He moved forward, somehow feeling very rebellious and brushing his lips past Sander's. ''So you want me then, hm?''

Sander let out a laugh, smiling brightly and ever so beautifully, happiness suiting nobody as well as it did to him. He shrugged, licking his lips as he leaned back against the wall, avoiding his lips, knowing so well that he wanted him to kiss him as Robbe kept his lips parted and waited for him to insist, but instead, he just observed Robbe's chest, back up to his mouth, making the brunet open up his eyes again as he moved his thumb past his bottom lip. ''Sorry, this guy I know has a ''taking things slow'' policy.''

Robbe groaned, pouting his lips. ''You're annoying.''

''You're cute.'' Sander grinned, moving forward to press a featherlight kiss onto his mouth, anyway, making Robbe smile gratefully. ''Text me tonight?''

''Will do.''

He pressed another kiss to his forehead, rumbling a hand through his brown locks to eventually release himself from the boy's grip. ''See you, curly head.''

**Wednesday, 18:22**

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**Wednesday, 18:30**

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**Wednesday, 21:21**

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii lovelies! <3
> 
> it's good to be back. i'm so sorry this chapter took me two weeks. you know how much i enjoy writing long chapters, and combined with uni, writing a chapter a week is slowly becoming impossible. i'm probably gonna be taking two weeks now, depending on how much uni work i have to do. i don't want to pressure myself or make this fic less of the way i want it to become because i want it to be done quickly. i want to make you guys happy, give you a reason to smile and have something to look forward to. but even though that means weekly would be better, i don't want to give you a story that's not complete or worked on with as much love as i would when i take the time for it. and next to that, robbe and sander deserve better than me writing their story in a rush, too. i hope that's okay <3
> 
> thank you again, so much, for all the comments and asks you've sent me on chapter 5. it was INSANE. you keep me going so much and reading your messages always makes my days. i cannot even put into words how thankful i am, but please know every single one of you, every single comment i read, makes my heart happy and can make even the worst days turn into complete sunshine. you make writing this and telling this story so incredibly worthwhile. i love you lots. thank you. <3
> 
> please let me know what you think of this one! bc woah, this was a hard one to write. there's so many feelings to discuss. please let me know what you thought, what specific parts you liked and what you think will happen next. i'm so excited to read how it made you feel. i reply to all of your comments and you can always send me an ask on my tumblr (sobbefairytales) as well. lots of love to you all. you keep me so motivated to keep this story going, you have no idea.
> 
> lots of love and stay safe.  
> x, a. <3


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